Manifesto 2015

Here's my manifesto should you wish to elect me.

• Britain to leave the EU, and become part of Australia in the hope that we get a tan
• Scotland will not be given their independence, but they will be given a new big TV, access to the car at weekends and a later bed time.
• Political leaders debates on television to be played by the rules of 15 to 1
• I would cut down the Trident Nuclear Death system from four submarines to three because if there are more than three the name trident makes no sense
• BBC Three to move online. All programs to be cut down to clips that are not long enough to wank to, and encourage you to pay to watch the full video which nobody will
• People who say 'nobody will watch TV online' to be laughed at
• Channel 4 to be renamed Channel 104
• Selfie Sticks to be outlawed. A new system will be developed to replace them, which will involve people asking other people to take photos of them. Pilot scheme to be attempted to see if this works.
• England will make all the balls for all future sports world cups so that at crucial moments of the game the England captain can pick up the ball and announce we're going home, because we're losing.
• The British Economy will be bought back into the black because every town in the UK will have a mandatory swear jar
• In order to discourage the smoking of cigarettes, they will be sold in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket and there will be plain packaging apart from a photo of Andre Reui to make them unappealing to kids.
• All news stories that are just what someone has said on Twitter to be declared 'not news' and reporting will be banned. Reporting Katie Hopkins tweets will be an arrestable offence
• All things to be broken down into those which are caused by immigrants and those that are caused by kids playing Grand Theft Auto

• Sex Education to focus more on technique
• Daniel Craig is on his final warning, if he cries in the next Bond film he will be fired
• A British version of the Avengers will be set up to fight crime. It will be comprised of British heroes: David Beckham, Bennedict Cumberbatch, Dermot O'Leary, Ed Sheeran, Emma Watson and Doctor Who.
• We will teach the three R's in schools, Reading, Riting and Rspelling
• We pledge to make Britain love Elvis Presley again. Tony Blair said his priorities could be summed up in 3 words "education, education, education." David Cameron said his priorities could be summed up in 3 letters NHS. Ours can be summed up in 3 sounds "uh-huh-huh"
• We would put pressure on the American government to end their cartoon series before they get any worse
• The Victoria cross will be given to anyone who gives up alcohol for a month or goes on a diet and joins a gym
• The phrase 'Benefits Scrounger' to be replaced by 'Person on benefits'
• Pensioners will be paid bonuses for each comment they post on their grand children's university photos
• Help-To-Buy scheme that helps people make first step on the property ladder, to be expanded to enable people to afford cinema food
• We pledge a referendum before the end of the year over the issue of whether Kanye can headline Glastonbury

• In light of prison overcrowding, prisoners will compete in a sing off to determine who gets to stay and who gets booted out of prison
• In order to cut down illegal immigration to the UK, a huge Total Wipeout course will be built in the English Channel
• Pay day loans can be repaid without interest as long as a pint is purchased to say thank you to the provider
• Bankers Bonuses to be paid in book tokens
• The Royal Family to be given the same wealth and respect as the Americans give the Kardashians
• We believe that the campaign to end page 3 is flawed as there is very often serious news on page 4 which would also have to go.
• Ministry of defence to be renamed ministry of attack in order to scare other countries. Ministry of midfield to be closed down as nobody really knows what they do
• We would treble tuition fees to £27000 a year but we are willing to compromise at a level of 57p a year.
• We would fight obesity by taking the beer tax off the beer and putting it on the beer belly.
• We support Apprentice Ships and would seek to move all Alan Suagr's assets offshore
• We would put a 40% tax on tax avoidance schemes
• The nuclear codes would be changed to Password1 to bring it inline with my Facebook and stop me forgetting it
• We feel that people are bored with the bedroom tax now, so we'll experiment with the shower tax, the kitchen tax and the disabled toilet at your work tax.
• We are the only party offering an in/out/in/out referendum on the hockey kockey