This Christmas

His hand shook as he reached for the doorbell. Was it nerves? Was it the weed? Was it a mixture of both? No sooner had he pushed the button, the door opened.

“Were you expecting me?” he asked as the door flew open.

“I sort of suspected you might come to the door when I heard the bang from the living room,” said the home owner.

The caller wondered if this was a reference to the BMW he had just crashed through the man’s living room wall or some other bang. He decided to play it casual by leaning on a wheelie bin.

“Well,” said the home owner, who we’ll call Lance because if you read ahead you’ll see he introduces himself later, “have you got nothing to say about the BMW that just crashed into my living room with a very loud bang?”

Shit. He’d been rumbled. He’d hoped to avoid discussing the whole messy business. He was sure he could reverse out of the whole without causing any more structural damage. He continued to play it casual.

“Don’t you mean a very loud Wham?” he asked.

“What?”

“Don’t you mean a very loud Wham?” he asked.

“Oh my God, are you George Michaels?” asked Lance.

“Yes,” said George, for it was he, “I am George Michael.” It was always nice to be recognised by a fan as they usually let you off for a hundred quid and some tickets to your show, if it was very bad you had to perform your old stuff at the show, this might have been one of those times.

“Well? What do you have to say about the hole in my wall? You could have killed someone!”

“I forgot the first rule of driving….”

He paused. Lance paused. They both paused. George Michael imagined he asked “What’s the first rule of driving George Michael?” because that’s what he wanted him to say to make the joke seem spontaneous.

“Wake up before you go go.”

He paused.

Two minutes later, He’d explained the joke to him but he still hadn’t asked for an autograph. Must be a Spandau Ballet fan, dick.

“Look, I’ll pay for the wall, and the replacement of any broken furniture,” said George Michael.

“And the dead cat?”

“Why did you have a dead cat?”

“I didn’t. I had an alive cat sleeping by the radiator.”

“I’m friends with Damien Hurst, you’ll never even notice the difference. Anyway it’s not just you who’s had a hard time you know, I had to crawl to Freedom!” He paused. “I did a song called Freedom. It’s funny. Can I come in though, I have a rather delicate matter to discuss?”

Lance eventually relented and bought George Michael a cup of coffee to try and sober him up. “I asked for a kebab,” said George Michael, but smiled and thanked Lance remembering that he needed something from this Lance. “What’s your name?” asked George.

“Lance.”

“Lance, I need to ask you if you know a man called Michael?”

“Maybe, what’s it to you?”

“Michael George?” It didn’t get any funnier with the passing of a year.

“Yeah.”

“And I understand from Michael George that you spent boxing day together last year?” asked George Michael.

“We spent a lot of days together. He’s my boyfriend,” said Lance.

“Yeah, now this is awkward, but did he give you a gift?”

“He gave me his heart.”

“Weeeelll, the thing is, it wasn’t really his to give. You see, he works for the company that do my PR, that’s why no embarrassing stories about me ever get into the press, and about this time last year, I was in the gents, he was in the gents, I was drunk, shit happens. I know now that it wasn’t the real thing but I kinda…for Christmas…you’re going to laugh…” Lance’s face was anything but laughing. In the moments when his face was lit up by the orange glow of the hazard lights he looked quite angry. George hoped that the scowl was just a reaction to the scent of his dead cat’s innards rather than any malice towards the UKs favourite 80s pop star* (*second favourite according to an ITV poll, fuck Tony Hadley). “Well I gave him my heart, long story short.”

Lance punched George around his well-groomed beautiful features.

“Yes, I agree it was an inappropriate gift,” said George calmly, “but easy to get hold of at the last minute when you realise you haven’t given your Secret Santa anything.”

“You’re a piece of shit!” exclaimed Lance.

When George Michael had finished recounting the stories of his various appearances on Comic Relief, he came back to the question he had intended to ask originally. “My heart. I need it back.”

“Why? You shouldn’t have given it away.”

“I know, it was,” ashamed he almost whispered the last word, “Careless.”

“Well why do you want it back, you’ll only lose it again, or clog it up with kebab fat,” shouted Lance.

“Oh ye of little…faith,” said George. No laugh. One more try. “Faith!” This really was easier when it was fans, who just wanted your sex.

“I want to give it to someone special.”

“Are you saying my boyfriend isn’t special? Who could be more special than Michael George?” He was bitter, sarcastic, “Who is this special person? Your father figure?”

George Michael’s face lit up, “now you’re getting it. Bygones be bygones, I’ll be on my way. Signed photo?”

Lance gave him a black eye.

George rubbed his eye and got up off the floor, “This was supposed to save me from tears!”

Lance bit George hard through his ear and drew blood. George backed off, and kept his distance and tried not to make eye contact with Lance.

“So,” said Lance, “this is your heart then.” He took the heart from a shelf, it still had a note on it which read I Love you, I meant it. He held it above the fire and George watched it start to burn and the malicious grin spreading across Lance’s face, as he held it above the flames.

“Wait?” said Lance, “I’ve got a better idea.”

Lance hooked George Michael to the back of the door and left him hanging there like a yo-yo. George Michael reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. “Andrew,” he said, if you’ll take as read the procedures of unlocking and dialling, “I need help. I’ve been kidnapped again! No this isn’t like that time I couldn’t find my way out of David Hasselhoff’s house. But listen Andrew, he’s not a fan! I repeat he is not a fan of Wham!...I know right!...So you need to be a man undercover. Save me, Andrew Ridgely, you’re my only hope.”

Andrew Ridgley arrived, a man undercover and tore Lance apart. “Where did your heart go?” asked Andrew. They both nodded in recognition.

“He put it on ebay. It’s now part of some middle aged woman’s collage.”

FIFA. A Blog of Two Halves.

Sepp Blatter hasn't quite got the accent right, but in all other respects he's the best Rupert Murdoch tribute act I've ever seen. His "How would I know what's going on in the organisation? I'm just a lowly CEO" routine is better than the original.

 



Yes it turns out Sepp Blatter is totally evil, as anybody who has seen any film ever could have told you. No screen writer ever has written the sentence "our hero Sepp Blatter fights to save the day from the evil Hank Goodheart." Remember in 2010 when we were saying "maybe BP aren't totally to blame for this ocean-destroying oil spill" and then they wheeled out their chairman Karl Henric Svanberg. Be honest, you don't know what Karl Henric Svanberg looks like but you pictured him half in darkness wearing a monocle in one eye, and an eye patch on the other with a scar all the way down to his twirled moustache. Equally when I first read the words Sepp Blatter in the newspaper, I thought "isn't that the bloke in Skyfall who takes out his false teeth and his face collapses?" If only he was that virtuous. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if FIFA was a front for the Suicide Squad. (Maybe we'll get the Justice Premier League to beat them).

Amongst other things they are accused of taking bribes for the World Cups to be hosted in Russia and Qatar. I'm not sure how these bribes are any different to the bids that we and Australia put in. Maybe FIFA just need the brown envelopes for something. After all they can't have much budget to spend on stationary, being a non-profit organisation I imagine they don't have much money and what little they do have probably comes from bake sales.

The death toll in the Qatar world cup always brings the mood down. Let's dwell on it.

 

That's horrific. Look at that compared to the London Olympics, where only the Queen's stuntwoman died. Did you know that when they organise the toilets in West End theatres, they print out that sheet and one picture of a woman and stick them on doors.

That said, I've seen football on the telly, and I'm not sure all those people did die. Some of them probably just went down clasping their faces when the opposition came near in the hope of a day off work (which by the way, they don't get).

 

Even David Cameron supported a change of FIFA leadership, adding "I hope my favourites, Team GB win the 2016 world cup in China." But for balance Vladimir Putin is supporting Sepp Blatter, which is a little bit like having Katie Hopkins say "he's not that bad is he?" It's like Satan saying "I think snakes get a bad rep." And it's not just Putin who thinks the American's are interfering in things that don't concern them. We British fans don't really like the fact that Americans have got involved. Because soccer and massive tax fraud are as British as fish 'n' chips, afternoon tea and racists singing on the tube. American's don't do football, the NFL is just an opportunity for advertising occasionally interrupted by a bit of football, now you couldn't say that about the Barclays Premier League could you?



Meanwhile FIFA have announced that their next football game will feature women's teams. Leading many fans to complain that "why would we want to play as women?" You know it doesn't really matter right? 1) it's optional. 2) It's all you. It's you pushing the buttons that makes them do stuff. When I play Mariokart as Princess Peach it doesn't mean I spend half the race trying to parallel park. Besides if you want to play as a bunch of girls just select the Man City option at the start of the game.

Anyway, as someone who has always hated football, here are my suggestions for how to improve it, should Sepp Blatter stand down as president rather than running things from a Swiss Prison.

How To Make Football Better

By Dan Vine

• Taking our cue from the more exciting game of cricket, matches will be extended to five days in length. Yes, people will say that cricket is boring as it goes on for five days, but after an hour of cricket I would expect between 50 and 100 points to be scored, in football 90 minutes can go by and it's 0-0, how is that more exciting?
• At the end of transfer deadline day, a fans 'wildcard' player will be added to the team.
• Fantasy league to contain actual fantasy elements eg. unicorn goal keepers
• If the referee determines that a player is faking an injury, the opposing team can inflict the amount of pain equivalent to how they acted.
• If after 90 minutes no one has won, there will be no extra time, the trophy will be shared.

• In accordance with the rules of FIFA the winner stays on and the losing manager has to go and make the tea while the guy who was previously sitting out gets a chance to play.
• In fact managing the national team is a big job, we should go back to the days of having two managers like when we had Sven Gore and Erickson.
• Red button to offer optional vuvuzela noise, especially over any of Gary Neville's analysis
• The Sky Sports Monday Night Football studio to be made less advanced than the set of the USS Enterprise as it ruins the magic for sci-fi fans.
• The term Wives and Girlfriends to be replaced by Wives or Girlfriends to encourage love and monogamy
• The term Wives or Girlfriends to NEVER be abbreviated for fucks sake, not even by Chelsea fans on the Paris underground.
• Referees to be chosen from amongst respected and trustworthy members of the local community, as it has come to my attention that many are wankers and nobody knows who they are.
• Better yet, celebrity referees.
• All referees to be given free prescriptions from opticians
• In order to avoid ugly fights on the pitch which could provide negative role models for young children watching, referees will carry forms so any grievances can be put in writing.
• If Manchester United want to play 5 minutes of extra time, I say we let them. After all, they're getting paid enough, make them work for it.
• Goal line technology to be built into all school jumpers to avoid fights over goals in school playgrounds
• At half time some guys come on the TV in suits and ties, this should be how everyone dresses, you're at work for God's sake. It's like in school, remember you're representing your school when you go on trips so look smart.
• If teams will insist on swapping sides at half time, each half of the pitch should be significantly different. Eg. One half is a desert while the other is a jungle, split it along elements like at the Pokemon stadium
• Footballers to be paid time and a half for all extra time added to the game. It's only fair.
• Match of the Day to focus on what is actually THE Match of the Day. There cannot be more than one Match of the Day.
• An outright ban on Adrian Chiles

• The phrase 'Glory seekers' to be banned as it's stupid. "You only support Arsenal because they're winning," yeah, that's the point of football isn't it? You're supposed to win. Who supports the losers?
• All fans to learn tragic operatic ballads about loss, heartbreak and death to counter claims that we only sing when we're winning.
• What the hell happened to Des Lynam? Someone to look into that.
• Let Kevin Pietersen play, please. He just wants something to do.
• World Cup to be hosted in the lovely temperate conditions of the great footballing nation the North Pole, because Santa has promised me a train set this year.
• Australia to be included in the world cup now that they're in Eurovision
• Baddiel & Skinner to do every world cup song ever. And NO ONE ELSE. I'm looking at you Neil and Christine Hamilton

And on that...note seems the wrong word after that song. Goodbye.

Resignstion

So in 2008, myself and my friend Owen Edwards formed a coalition to write Tony Blair's final speech to the House of Commons, his own version of My Way (Not to be confused with the 1991 Spitting Image sketch where Thatcher sung her resignation, it's hard to say who ripped off who), anyway, it's been 7 years which in cinema terms means it's time for a remake.

So while Nick Clegg accepts the inevitable, Ed Milliband cancels that trip to the Scottish highlands and Nigel Forage drowns his sorrows, here are those resignation speeches in full:

Nick Clegg

And now the end is here,
and so I face the final curtain,
My friend (singular), I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case on a liberal friendly Channel 4 comedy program,
I gave Cameron refills,
I offered milk and also sugar,
and more, much more than this, I bought the biscuits.

Regrets, I've had a few,
But then again, fewer than I probably should have,
I did what I had to do and saw the Inside of number 10, which was really cool for me,
I planned each charted course, then lost the plans and improvised it,
And more, much more than this, I had an office.

Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I put myself ahead of you,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I made sure I was not about,
I faced it all with a grumpier face than that internet cat and looked after my ass.

I've cried, I've cried and cried,
I've had my fill, my share of losing,
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing,
To think I did all that,
And may I say not in a shy way,
"Oh ha ha ha ha ha, you never saw that coming when everyone agreed with Nick"

For what is a man, whose back has he got?
If not his own, then he has naught chance of sitting on the front bench,
To say the things he truly feels, might have been a good idea,
The record shows, I gave Dave blows and got done his way.

[not insturmental in anything, solo]

Yes, it was Dave's Way.


Ed Milliband

Ed chose to carve his parody song into the side of Mount Rushmore while adding his own head.

Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spat it out,
I faced it all, I stood some distance from a beggar and more, much more than this, I gave 32p.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They see me debating,
The economy,
I know they all thinking
I don't know what I'm doing,

Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white 'n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white 'n' nerdy!

I wanna roll with,
The Scottish,
But the Daily Mail think they're too pale and ginger
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

I wanna stand for,
the poorer,
But it's apparent I'm too rich and powerful
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

I wanna give to,
The homeless,
But from a distance and only a 10p
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

They see me roll in,
my pink bus,
I know in my heart they think I'm dim 'n' sexist
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

I wanna hang with a hen night,
And now they all let me coz I am a dildo
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

I wanna job with,
my brother,
But so far he's too busy to take my calls,
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

I wanna forget,
that bacon,
But sadly it's still really funny
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
I'm just too white 'n' nerdy
Really, really white 'n' nerdy

Hell yeah!

Nigel Forage

Show me the way to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed,
I started drinking about 10am,
And punched a darky in the head.
Everywhere I roam,
Over land or sea or foam,
You can always here Mike Read singing his song,
Oh foreigners please go home.

They went with busses into battle, they looked young.
Straight of limb, crazy of eyes, rapidly greying
They looked sad at the end against votes counted,
Forage fell with his face to the floor.

They shall now grow old, as we that are left get taxed to death.
Appearances on This Week shall not weary them, nor the One Show spots condemn.
At the going down of the column and the questions of Richard Osman,
We will struggle to remember them.

They will be not laughed at by Have I Got News For You again,
They sit no more on league tables of yougov,
They have not a lot of Labour or Lib Dems,
They sleep on the back benches

Top 10 Places To Visit After You Die

I was watching the channel Really - as in 'Really? They really made these shows?' - on Paranormal Thursday recently. For those of your who have not had the joy of watching Paranormal Thursday it's a raft of very similar shows:
Most Haunted
Ghost Adventures
Ghost Diaries
When Ghosts Attack
Most Haunted USA
Ghost Adventures UK
Most Haunted UK
Most Haunted International
Ghost Adventures International
Help! My Parents are Ghosts
My house is Haunted
Haunted Homes Under The Hammer
My Creepy Abandoned Red Neck Farm is Haunted

All of these essentially boil down to two formats. Either some night vision footage where presenters scream and shout of the excitement and horror of seeing 'orbs.'

For the uninitiated orbs are these tiny circles of light. One thing they're not is ghosts. No film was ever made about the spotting of orbs. It's certainly not the most haunted it's possible to be. Paranormal Activity wouldn't be as scary if the girl was just filming reflections off her glasses for two hours. (That said, it would be more scary if they'd remembered to CGI in the monster instead of just having people being pulled about at random). At most orbs prove the existence of the Mysterons.
The other format is slightly mad women who live in the outback and heard a strange noise at night recounting their gripping story. They simultaneously tell us that it was the most psychologically scarring experience of their lives, while program makers force them to participate in accurate recreations.
And of course it's all very American. A genuine quote "I dint never believe in no ghosts before this, just the lord God almighty!" She may as well have added "Uncle Sam Guns."

All this got me worrying about these poor people and the crap they have to put up with every day, so I thought about what I could do to help. I decided I could redress a balance in the world by posting

 The Top 10 Places To Visit AFTER You Die

 

1. The Most Haunted Pub In Britain

 

 

 

Many pubs now have ladies nights, or singles nights or gay nights to make it easier to meet like minded people in this busy modern world. So why don't we organise a night at Britain's Most Haunted pub to meet other ghosts, swap stories, catch up on the latest ghost gossip and randomly move a few pint glasses around. Plus it seems you guys love a bit of nightlife as you never come out during the day.

The only problem with this is there is some debate about what actually is the most haunted pub in Britain, but I've done some googling and narrowed it down to about 30% of pubs in Britain which claim to be the most haunted.

In fact, the pub I work in has claimed to be haunted, because it's next to the railway tracks and after a rail crash, the bodies were stored in the cellar before being transported to the hospital. I question this story, as health & safety wont let us keep any food with the beer as it makes it go bad so I question the landlord who went "yeah, sure mate, just dump them with all the booze."

 

2. The Morgue

People are always doing drugs to achieve that out of body experience, well now you can experience that without the need to stick anything in your arm, which is good because your arm is now just a cloud of ether. Play amateur sleuth as you uncover evidence that condemns the sister you wrote out of your will, or remove the bits of orange from your teeth and massage the rope marks out of your neck if you died in embarrassing circumstances.

There's something for every dead person at the morgue, if you're a ghost there's closure or there's the simple pleasures like brains and blood if you're a vampire or zombie, and nobody except the hospital administrators will mind you taking it.

 

3. This Place

Because who'd notice.

Yeah, there's an election on and I felt this post lacked satire.

It still does.

 

4. Literally Anywhere Other Than The Place You Died.

 

We are all familiar with that big problem for estate agents: that your eyes look to the left when you're lying.

But there's also the problem of not being able to find a buyer because you can still see the chalk outline on the kitchen floor or it's built on an Indian burial plot. I've never been horrifically murdered in my home - although the responses I get when I post a light hearted joke on social media accounts, suggest its a growing possibility - but if I had, I think I'd move. The spirits are always disturbed and usually move things about and smash things up. Move out! Get away! Of course you're going go be miserable if you hang around the same place. Start a new life (insensitive term, I'm sorry), you'll find you're happier in a new location, one where you weren't horribly murdered. Plus you're driving down house prices which the Daily Telegraph tells me is the worst thing ever in the world!

Another thing you hear is "I could smell those cigarettes he used to smoke!" Stop that too! It's already killed you once! Some people never learn. Packets of fags should come with the warning 'Caution: This smell will freak out your kids when you're gone.'

And while I'm at it, stop visiting your graves! The 00s are over guys! Goth's aren't cool anymore.

 

5. Counselling

 

Again, how often do you dead guys go around yellin' "LEAVE THIS PLACE!" and begin smashing things up when some new person dares to move into your house. You need to talk through that anger with someone. Learn to let go of that anger, like you let go of your life or your friend's hand. Being a ghost can be the coolest experience, it has to be because of the effect you have on a room, but think of the fun you can have: walking into places through walls (you wouldn't have to pay silly prices for the cinema again), you can fly, you can probably teleport, and you carry your head under your arm which can lead to all sorts of japes. On top of that, it's only a matter of time before they start bringing out novels where a dull girl has to decide whether she loves a ghost or a zombie, you'll be trendy (albeit a younger, cooler version of you with none of the consequences usually associated with being dead). So just get some help with your anger and look on the bright side of death.

And Vampires, they can help you too! Hypnosis! It can help you give up that blood addiction. I don't know why you keep drinking blood. Do you think it will help your stupid pale complexion? It wont. Give it up. You'll learn to love salads and water. And people will like you more as a result.

Zombies, ok, psychology probably wont help you as you're already basically completely brainless, unthinking morons now, have you considered homeopathy and alternative medicine? You're pretty much their target market. And it might help you get better if you have a tiny bit of amygdala in a pint of water.

 

6. Get Into The Opera, and go see The Meistersinger Von Nürnberg the four and a half hour opera

Because life's too short for that shit. But now...

Plus phantoms love the opera.

 

7. Paris. But definitely not Garfunkel's Restaurant

This is one for the vampires. You know the British way to eat steak, "I want it very very well done please, is there a button for burnt? No blood. No Flavour." In France they know how to cook a proper rare steak. If you ask for it rare, you might have to chase the bloody cow around a field first.

I'm sure France aren't the only country who know how to make a decent steak, but they are the closest, and I would advise taking a night trip on the Eurostar, so you can be back the following day to sleep in soil from your own country, as customs can be very fussy about bringing soil into other countries. As if our filthy British soil is going to make a mess of their nice clean dirt.

A trip to France has to be better than murdering virgins right? As fun as I'm sure that is.

But Dan, I hear the two of you still reading cry, why have you singled out Garfunkles? It would be weird not to say. Specifically because they refused to cook a steak for me under medium because of 'health and safety.' Now I don't believe this is 'elf and safety gone mad! (It sounds like 'elf, hahahahaha, Richard Littlejohn readers will get why that's hilarious. Please explain it to me). I believe it's either a case of the chef not knowing how to do it, or the meat being a bit off. In which case it's probably fine for zombies. Yeah, zombies go to Garfunkles. I wouldn't want to be responsible for anywhere being left unhaunted.

 

8. The Scene of a Recent Disaster

Team up! Who said all superheroes had to be living? You guys are like a deceased Avengers! Ghosts: Get in there, teach the new ghosts how to teleport and stuff and show those remaining alive that its not the end. You need that blood clearing up? Never fear this Vamps brought his straw! You lost an Arm? Here, just tear one out of this zombie, its a bit rotten but better than crushed under a pile of rubble. Oh did you cut your finger? Here, unravel a bit of this mummy.

9. The Letters Page of the Daily Telegraph

You guys were alive in the old days, the very old days! So you are ideally placed to tell the world how much better it all was. This is an idea to fill the time of both ghosts and vampires, but I feel it's especially important for Vampires, because you hear about ghost writers all the time. Lets redress the balance.

Oh but, by the way, stop writing those shitty e-mails threatening to turn up in my room if I don't pass them on to 10 people. Jesus, you already gave it a clickbait title, like that's not going to get enough attention. My point is, it's a negative whiny tone about how someone ignored your Facebook message and you died, it doesn't help the image of Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies and Mummies as a bit evil. There's a reason the friendly ghost was worthy of a film. It's seen as rare by the living!

10. G-A-Y

 

Because isn't that where you always go when you can't get into Heaven.

 

Boom! LOL!

Manifesto 2015

Here's my manifesto should you wish to elect me.

• Britain to leave the EU, and become part of Australia in the hope that we get a tan
• Scotland will not be given their independence, but they will be given a new big TV, access to the car at weekends and a later bed time.
• Political leaders debates on television to be played by the rules of 15 to 1
• I would cut down the Trident Nuclear Death system from four submarines to three because if there are more than three the name trident makes no sense
• BBC Three to move online. All programs to be cut down to clips that are not long enough to wank to, and encourage you to pay to watch the full video which nobody will
• People who say 'nobody will watch TV online' to be laughed at
• Channel 4 to be renamed Channel 104
• Selfie Sticks to be outlawed. A new system will be developed to replace them, which will involve people asking other people to take photos of them. Pilot scheme to be attempted to see if this works.
• England will make all the balls for all future sports world cups so that at crucial moments of the game the England captain can pick up the ball and announce we're going home, because we're losing.
• The British Economy will be bought back into the black because every town in the UK will have a mandatory swear jar
• In order to discourage the smoking of cigarettes, they will be sold in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket and there will be plain packaging apart from a photo of Andre Reui to make them unappealing to kids.
• All news stories that are just what someone has said on Twitter to be declared 'not news' and reporting will be banned. Reporting Katie Hopkins tweets will be an arrestable offence
• All things to be broken down into those which are caused by immigrants and those that are caused by kids playing Grand Theft Auto

• Sex Education to focus more on technique
• Daniel Craig is on his final warning, if he cries in the next Bond film he will be fired
• A British version of the Avengers will be set up to fight crime. It will be comprised of British heroes: David Beckham, Bennedict Cumberbatch, Dermot O'Leary, Ed Sheeran, Emma Watson and Doctor Who.
• We will teach the three R's in schools, Reading, Riting and Rspelling
• We pledge to make Britain love Elvis Presley again. Tony Blair said his priorities could be summed up in 3 words "education, education, education." David Cameron said his priorities could be summed up in 3 letters NHS. Ours can be summed up in 3 sounds "uh-huh-huh"
• We would put pressure on the American government to end their cartoon series before they get any worse
• The Victoria cross will be given to anyone who gives up alcohol for a month or goes on a diet and joins a gym
• The phrase 'Benefits Scrounger' to be replaced by 'Person on benefits'
• Pensioners will be paid bonuses for each comment they post on their grand children's university photos
• Help-To-Buy scheme that helps people make first step on the property ladder, to be expanded to enable people to afford cinema food
• We pledge a referendum before the end of the year over the issue of whether Kanye can headline Glastonbury

• In light of prison overcrowding, prisoners will compete in a sing off to determine who gets to stay and who gets booted out of prison
• In order to cut down illegal immigration to the UK, a huge Total Wipeout course will be built in the English Channel
• Pay day loans can be repaid without interest as long as a pint is purchased to say thank you to the provider
• Bankers Bonuses to be paid in book tokens
• The Royal Family to be given the same wealth and respect as the Americans give the Kardashians
• We believe that the campaign to end page 3 is flawed as there is very often serious news on page 4 which would also have to go.
• Ministry of defence to be renamed ministry of attack in order to scare other countries. Ministry of midfield to be closed down as nobody really knows what they do
• We would treble tuition fees to £27000 a year but we are willing to compromise at a level of 57p a year.
• We would fight obesity by taking the beer tax off the beer and putting it on the beer belly.
• We support Apprentice Ships and would seek to move all Alan Suagr's assets offshore
• We would put a 40% tax on tax avoidance schemes
• The nuclear codes would be changed to Password1 to bring it inline with my Facebook and stop me forgetting it
• We feel that people are bored with the bedroom tax now, so we'll experiment with the shower tax, the kitchen tax and the disabled toilet at your work tax.
• We are the only party offering an in/out/in/out referendum on the hockey kockey

Vineys 2015

It's awards season!

You can tell because all the film trailers you see on TV are about people talking with few explosions.

Because apparently the people given the job of choosing the Oscars don't really go to the movies the rest of the year round and are likely to forget anything that came out pre-December.

With that in mind it's time for the highly anticipated* Dan Vine Awards Blog.

*The one person I told about this said "oh, are you still doing that?"

I want to just mention a notable exemption from my awards. I will not be mentioning the film Boyhood despite it being up for many awards. Famously Richard Linklater filmed the movie over the course of 12 years. As someone who also puts things off till the last minute at work, I don't think that should be rewarded.

Film of the Year

Nominees - The Imitation Game Benedict Cumberbatch plays war hero Alan Turing who built a machine that saved hundreds of lives, despite everyone saying "it can't be done Benedict. You're being weird Benedict." But then politics, secrets and his homosexuality make things a bit morally, ethically and emotionally complicated. It's a war film with no shooting or Americans turning up to claim the credit and worth seeing

Lucy Scarlett Johnason (here after referred to as Scarlett Johnson because of autocorrect) stars as a woman who doesn't think too much, she only uses about 10% of her brain. Then a bag of Ritalin or something similar explodes in her guts and the newly focussed Scarlet Johanson begins to use 100% of her brain. At first this is small things like learning how to use Skype, but before long she can control the laws of physics. In a final showdown that shows off the amazing direction and stunning visuals of the film, Lucy sees all of the past and future and evolves into the next stage of human evolution by becoming a USB memory stick. 

The Grand Budapest Hotel Typical Wes Anderson, quirky design and direction. Ralph Finnes (Harry Potter's old enemy and James Bond's new boss, so don't let them tell you criminals can't turn their life around with a second chance) stars as Monsieur Gustav H. a hotel concierge accused of a murder he did not commit. It's his first major comedy role since the brilliant In Bruges where he played a gangster who turns up in the last half an hour of the film and steals the thing from the main leads. This film is often almost as dark as that but has lightness and subtlety aplenty too. It was only narrowly beaten to the top spot, but it's probably happy enough with it's 11 BAFTA nominations so it doesn't care.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies I'll be honest, I did not like The Lord of the Rings. I know that anybody still reading is just doing so in the hope I apologise for that statement. But the cast for the Hobbit was too good to miss, and An Unexpected Journey got me hooked, The Desolation of Smaug sealed the deal. Both had brilliant CGI and loads of brilliant make up and practical effects, and some great character work. One of Peter Jackson's skills is giving every character a back story and rounded personality. This film is a great conclusion to the trilogy and the whole middle earth series (does anyone believe there wont be more though?), but kept off the top spot by not being as good as films 1 and 2. It fell into a few problems I had with Lord of the Rings (still not sorry). Chiefly what I didn't like was that it was a battle of 5 armies. In hindsight I should have seen that coming, but I have to say, I kinda switch off half an hour into any film with big CGI armies having a fight. Its 300 dwarves vs 300 elves vs 300 eagles vs 300 orcs vs 300 men. It's a visually brilliant fight, but I really struggle to feel anything for elf #241 when he's killed by orc #124. I just fail to give a shit at that level. And the one Hobbit caught in the middle of it, presumably the most interesting character, is tragically underused. Plus Evangaline Lily says at one point "If this is love, I do not wish it," which wins the award for worst movie line of the year, previous winners include the slightly better "Show me more of this Earth thing you call kissing." All that said, the film is saved by a stella cast and a small dog that stares into the camera.

And the Winner is...Guardians of the Galaxy Marvel do science fiction comedy. It's winning status was pretty much assured before we even went to see it, but everyone thought it might be a flop. The comics are not as well known as The Avenger's heroes, and also are not frankly heroes. It's a great new take on some interesting characters. The take on Peter Quill/Starlord is brilliant. In the comics he is an actual hero and the fact his name is Starlord is not a joke, which is just stupid. He honestly calls himself Starlord any nobody ever laughs at that. Starlord! In fact he's more sanctimonious than Captain America. I imagine that is where the Guardians trilogy is heading and some things from this film set it up to go that way, but in the very first comic book he goes out and becomes a hero after learning that revenge is bad in a story more heavy handed in it's moral than all 79 original series Star Trek episodes. This film by contrast is fun and genuinely laugh out loud throughout. Kudos to the writer who decided to change the tone and the casting director who cast Andy from Parks and Rec.  It captures all the fun and imagination of Star Wars with none of the consequences, and a little bit of Red Dwarf thrown in there too.

Best Edinburgh Show

Nominees - Post Show 2014 was a good year for improvised shows at Edinburgh. This one has a brilliant concept. While you're queuing for the show, a member of theatre staff comes out and tells you that you're late, and they'll usher you into the auditorium but you have to be quiet as the play is in progress. You walk in during the last scene of a four hour play, and as soon as the audience sit down the play ends and they open it up to the audience for questions. Make sure you are up for joining in if you ever go to see this play. They story of the play is made up based on the questions you ask.

What Does The Title Matter Anyway? Due to legal issues this show is nothing like Whose Line Is It Anyway? It's hosted by Clive Anderson (Whose Line Is It Anyway?) and features Greg Proops (Whose Line Is It Anyway?) and other regulars from the hit show Whose Line Is It Anyway? alongside new performers from this year's fringe. They play games from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Alex Edelman: Millennial Alex won Best Newcomer at some awards that actually matter and he deserves it. A very young and talented stand-up, he does what could be considered the usual story telling and observations, but he's a young Millennial American (or possibly Canadian, or possibly just trendy, I'm going on the accent) which gives him a unique and new voice and a very clever and interesting voice too. Worth looking out for this guy. He's partly nominated so that I can prove I was there at the start.

The Horne Section: Milk The Tenderness Oh, to think two years previously, the only reason I bought tickets to 'The Horne Section' was that Simon Amstell was a guest. That night is honestly the most excited I've been in a theatre. That's largely because of an unannounced guest appearance from Suggs, but also because, The Horne Section are just so damn good. I often bang on about loving satire and stand up about big issues in small theatres, but fun, silly songs honestly bring me so much joy. Especially as the song Manly Man (not about the pub crawl of the same name) was dedicated to me, and I found myself on stage with Alex Horne.

Austentatious An Improvised Jane Austen novel. I'm not a fan of all that Jane Austen girly bookish nonsense, but that doesn't matter this is hilarious. Using only a title pulled at random from a bag of audience suggestions, a team of improvisers create a new Jane Austen story. I'm sure there are jokes that will be better if you do know your Austen, but as I already couldn't breathe from laughing too hard, it would be dangerous for my health to read any Jane Austen. I saw this show twice and saw various members of the cast in their own separate shows and at a late night Sketch Transfer Deadline Day thing, in which acts swap members with other acts, where I also saw...

The Beta Males A sketch group with loads of brilliant and surreal sketches. Songs, parody, general silliness, with running gags and one or two running stories throughout their sketches. I mean, it's genuinely hard to tell if it's one or two stories, it's complicated but really funny.

And The Winner Is... Alex Horne: Monsieur Butterfly Alex Horne tells an amusing story about a time he saw a squirrel in his kitchen and attempted to catch it. As he's telling the story he uses props on stage to build the scene. This leads to deeper thoughts to do with his life and life in general. And slowly what he's building takes shape. He talks about how everything is connected and, as the title suggests, the Butterfly Effect comes up. That suggests one thing leads to another and another and another in a long chain that led to an attempt to catch a squirrel, and that's when you finally realise he's building a huge game of Mousetrap! Quality stand up and amateur craftsmanship, what more could I want? As he says "Even if you weren't enjoying this show, I don't think you'd leave before seeing the end." I was lucky enough to see this twice, the first time as a work-in-progress show in London when the Mousetrap didn't work. That was still hilarious and great to see but never has an audience more wanted to see something succeed spectacularly and, to be fair, in Edinburgh he did.

Best Sitcom

Nominees - Community (NBC) There are two surprising things about Community Series 5, one is that it happened at all, the other is that it was good. After an awful fourth season they bought back the writer they'd fired and, despite losing cast members before and during this series, came back to form. Community starts with stories and builds jokes around them which makes for compelling and funny viewing and it makes it genuinely unpredictable, and not in a How I Met Your Mother kind of way where it forgets it's supposed to be making jokes and just starts killing people to make the trending topics.

The Detectorists (BBC4) Makenzie Crooke (The Office) and Toby Jones (everything British) play a couple of metal detector enthusiasts struggling with life, love and the Antiquisearchers! Will they uncover treasure? Will they find a body? Will they know any answers on University Challenge? Will they even be friends or detectorists by the end of it? A genuinely warm and uplifting comedy (and I usually only use that to describe rubbish shows, but this is great).

The Trip To Italy (BBC2) Staring Steve Coogan as Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon as Rob Brydon and Roni Ancona as a random secretary. Steve and Rob are travelling abroad to Italy on a road trip. They have an obsession with Byron and Alanis Morriessette and each other. Like the first series this delves into the insecurities of the stars, but perhaps has more loud jokey moments than the first series and less quiet ones. Nonetheless it's brilliant and you can't knock a show for having more funny bits.

And the Winner is...Inside Number 9 (BBC2) From the creators of The League of Gentlemen (well the ones who weren't lucky enough to be Mark Gatiss) and Psychoville comes a new comedy anthology of stories. Each episode has a new set of characters in a new situation, all linked by the fact they take place in house number 9 or room number 9. To be honest that's only so they have a title for the show. So six episodes. One inside a wardrobe during a game of sardines, how has no comedy done that before? It's a great idea. Trap a load of characters together and let some secrets come out. Another episode is a silent comedy, with genuine reasons why the characters can't speak. The gag when the door-to-door salesman turns up and how they maintain the silence is the cleverest but the gag with the dog is silly and therefore my favourite bit. Another episode follows a man who befriends a tramp and helps him get back on his feet while his own life falls apart. A legal battle over a balloon containing the last breath of a popstar. A bloody revenge tragedy that takes place in a dressing room back stage at Macbeth (and does Macbeth's story in 30 minutes) and a babysitter in a freezing haunted house, who should not disturb Andres under any circumstances in a tense horror spoof. Watch this, you're bound to like one of them. Series 2 is coming soon.

Best Live Show (Non-Edinburgh)

Nominees - Madness: The Madhead Tour (O2, 20th Dec) Another solid night of skanking. I'm sure I lose weight at our annual Madness gig. The only downside this year was that they were supported by Scouting For Girls, who write two lines per song and then repeat them for five minutes. Yes, yes, I understand that she's lovely. Fortunately their set was elevated by missing it and having a lovely meal instead, and catching up with my Madness fan friends who I don't see too often.

The Best Of The Comedy Store (The Underbelly on the Southbank, 11th May) This is another gig made brilliant by a lovely meal before hand. I highly recommend Strada on the Southbank. Their outside seating area is outside the restaurant but INSIDE the Southbank centre, it's confusing but absolutely lovely and we almost missed the show because me and Leigh were getting to know each other. That said, I am glad we didn't miss the show. For Edinburgh goers it's a bit surreal, wandering around an Edinburgh venue on London's Southbank. The acts on that night were comedy store favourite John Mahoney, psychotic grumpy man Andrew Lawrence and Asian-Marcus-Brigstocke Romesh Ranganathan.

The Final Revelation of Sherlock Holmes (The Pleasance Islington, 21st Feb) Another theatre trip with great food. I was worried by an empty Indian restaurant on a Friday night with Christmas decorations still up in February, but I was hungry and it was brilliant. The play itself: Sherlock Holmes is dying and it's not Moriarty who is to blame, as his life fades he has one last mystery to solve. Why?

Richard II  (Barbican, 7th January) It's David Tennant vs Barry from Four Lions in a Shakespeare masterpiece. I'm moving on because I don't want to bang on too much, not because I don't understand it. What?! I did!

Rich Hall's Hoedown (Hertford Theatre, 26th May) Insightful stand-up and songs and an autographed CD for me at the end.

Alex Horne: Monsieur Butterfly Work-In-Progress (The Invisible Dot. 5th May) I've covered this elsewhere when it went right, but it was great to see it go wrong too

Stewart Lee: A Room With A Stew (Soho Theatre, 20th June) A very early stages, work-in-progress show. It was about 85% old material with 15% stuff he was trying out thrown in, but repeated Stewart Lee material is still welcome and it was interesting to see the master at work.

Paul Merton's Impro Chums (Hawthorne Theatre, 13th October) Paul Merton in my local theatre. I believe in supporting the arts locally, which I mostly do by not going to see it but occasionally meaning to, so as the local theatre in Welwyn Garden City were playing host to legend Paul Merton and his never disappointing chums, I had to go.

Jersey Boys (Picardilly Theatre, 7th August) Here's a pub quiz tip, if you're in a pub quiz and you know the name of a song but not who it's by; it's probably by Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. It's a juke box musical, telling the interesting back story of a band I didn't realise I was interested in until I saw it. Brilliant performances from all the leads. Few dodgy accents from the supporting cast, but the singing voices...wow.

And the Winner is...Ghost Stories (Arts Theatre, 27th March) Written by Andy Nyman who wrote Derren Brown's material for years and Jeremy Dyson the other other one from League of Gentlemen. This is a horror comedy that asks you not to reveal it's secrets, so this blog is a waste of time. All I can say is the black painted theatre with police tape hang all round it is wonderfully done and creepy, and makes you feel part of it, so much so that you will shit yourself in terror and wet yourself with laughter. Eat and drink after is what I'm saying.

Best Rubbish TV Program: I Wanna Marry Harry (ITV2) This is a guilty pleasure. Dumb American women are flown to Downton Abbey where a comedy butler introduces them to some prick pretending to be Prince Harry. He must date them and choose his favourite who he then spends the rest of his life with assuming she's ok with being lied to and manipulated for the last 10 weeks. It's shocking but addictive. ITV2 also had a show called Release the Hounds where contestants had to run away from man-eating dogs, which meant when Prince Harry sends people home the phrase "Next: Release the Hounds" appears.

Disappointment of the Year: Neville's Island Adrian Edmondson. Robert Webb. Miles Jupp. Neil Morrisey. How could this play possibly go wrong? By being the most contrived, overly explained, predictable play ever written is how. The cast are so brilliant and the show so bad it was crushing.

Best Actor

Nominees Benedict Cumberbatch (The Imitation Game) For making a film with all the feels of war and none of the blood. And then later for destroying a whole village by breathing fire on it. Well to be fair, Stephen Fry lived there and he gave Benedict second place in an acting competition (He also didn't win the BAFTA so maybe Fry has a personal vendetta?)

Chris Pratt (Guardians of the Galaxy) For making me more excited about Jurrassic Park than I am about Star Wars

Jenna Coleman (Doctor Who) For making Clara less annoying while making it even more about her

Olivia Coleman (Broadchurch) For just about everything, but especially for the scene last week (series 2 episode 6) where she tells her son off. Proper scary


And The Winner Is...Peter Capaldi (Doctor Who) Well it had to be! Because it's me. For making the Doctor scary and interesting, and because everytime they try and make him unlikeable I like it more.

Best Comedian

Nominees Paul Merton He's had a busy life and his autobiography could easily be a trilogy but it's a great rush through his life. His improvisation is still as sharp as ever

Lee Simpson Someone acknowledge that this guy is brilliant. One of the impro chums, but can completely upstage Paul Merton sometimes.

Sean Lock 8 Out of 10 Cats wouldn't be the same without his dead-pan wit. I also watched 15 Stories High again for the first time in years, and never appreciated quite how amazing it is first time around.

Cariad Lloyd One of the members of Austentacious, but she popped up in things we saw all over the fringe including What Does The Title Matter Anyway? She's made a BBC iPlayer pilot so she's one to watch out for. Brilliant improviser.

Tom Stade I like him from Live At The Apollo, but my girlfriend loves him so I went to see him live for the first time this year (My guide to romance: "Here's a present, it's tickets to something I really wanna see"), and he is really funny and regrettably handsome. His Boots Number 7 routine made me laugh so much.

Stewart Lee From Comedy Vehicle to Alternative Comedy Experience to Work-In-Progress shows to being a widely circulated anti-UKIP meme to his regular columns in the broadsheets to What Would Judas Do? (which is old but I only listened to this year) he is good isn't he?

Stephen Fry He bought comic relief to scenes of devastation in The Hobbit, had a ruddy good argument with God on Irish telly, hosted QI of course and wrote another genuinely interesting autobiography.

And the winner is...Alex Horne Did I mention Mousetrap? He has officially become my favourite comedian of 2014...ever! He is the best ever.

Best Comedy Panel Show

Nominees~Have I Got News For You (BBC1) Because it's always a classic. 2014 didn't see any stand out guest hosts like previous years. There was no Brian Blessed or Boris Johnson. On the other hand there was no Ann Widdicombe either. The show had a solid year.

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue (BBC Radio 4) It had a mixed year. There was bad press over their jokes about the shows made-up scorer "the lovely Samantha" and her various activities that all sound like sexual innuendos "It's always good to feel her electrician's tester calls regularly." Following the Dapper Laughs controversy these innuendos got a lot of media attention as debate raged about whether or not they were offensive to all fictional women. On the positive side, they had a lot of guests on for the first time who were very good, even if you had to worry when only one of the regular cast of veteran comedians in their 70s or 80s turns up for the December shows in the harsh winter.

The News Quiz (BBC Radio 4) Like Have I Got News For You, but on the wireless, and with Sandi Toksvig and Jeremy Hardy. I went to a recording of this show in 2014 and it had another strong year.

QI Isn't this show just consistently good? Yes.

Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (Dave) This show is simply Alan Davies and 4 guests sitting around a desk having a chat. The format works well and Alan Davies has a fact about each of his guests to move things along when the conversation dries up. Plus it's Dave so if the conversation gets boring they can just cut to a 10 minute ad break like they do.

And the Winner is...8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (Channel 4) It seemed like an entertaining one off to celebrate Channel 4, but surprisingly is into it's ninth series now, while the regular 8 Out of 10 Cats is, actually I don't know, or don't care. Cat's do Countdown has the prime time slot on Friday night, while the regular show is on late Monday nights, I think. I think it's a bit like the 'Just A Minute' effect ie. the game is simple but capable of loads of variations because of the guests. It's great that Joe Wilkinson has platform for his comedy which doesn't require the viewer to sit through 'Him and Her' too.

Best Entertainment Show

Nominees Charlie Brookers Weekly Wipe/2014 Wipe (BBC2) Nice to have a bit of satire on the box, his review of the week/year is always enlightened and interesting and Reasons To Be Fearful has been stuck in my head since I first saw it, well done Blockheads.

The Last Leg/The Last Leg Of The Year (Channel 4) Adam Hills only needs to tell someone to stop being a dick to become king of the internet. He's very funny and the concept is a relaxed review of the week.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central) American satire! It's so much more glamorous over there. This show is on every day and so I've sort of taken it for granted when listing my favourite shows, but since it's title will need adjusting soon, just time to acknowledge that this is on every day and consistently funny.

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle (BBC2) The UKIPS were a popular target this series, but this again has the unique live-club feel we have come to expect from Stewart Lee. His downbeat, angry observations are brilliant.



The Alternative Comedy Experience (Comedy Central) The comedians a bit too odd to be on BBC1 stand up. The behind-the-scenes chat is cool too. Only sad part is this show could be so much longer. It feels like we never see a complete set and what we do see it wonderful.

Monty Python: One Down, Five to Go (GOLD) Wasn't terribly impressed by most of this year's sketch comedy, but these old timers proved why they're good enough to sell out the O2. Whether they did it for the money, the love of it, or spite or to be honest, reading all their interviews, whether they even liked it, I don't care, it was funny. And when they corpsed in the sweetshop sketch, they seemed to be enjoying it.

John Finnemore's Souvenir Program (BBC Radio 4) I'm sorry for not mentioning Cabin Pressure in the Best Sitcom category. It's good but I had other priorities. This sketch show though is like Mitchell & Webb's best material and the "since you asked for a tale..." sketches that end each episode are worth the wait.

And the Winner Is...Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (HBO) John Oliver. Why did we let him go? After regular appearances being wasted on Mock The Week, he gained no real fame in the UK, but got offered a job as a writer/correspondent on The Daily Show. In 2013 he spent two months filling in for Jon Stewart as host and now he's got his own show. And it's brilliant. Essentially the same format but on HBO so he can say fuck without being bleeped. It actually surpassed The Daily Show though. It's weekly nature means they can delve deeper into the stories that matter and it takes on big targets. Dictators, FIFA, Fox News and everyone evil, will fear this show.