The Pervert in the Petrol Station

Please read, and pass on. Ok, that's what I'll do. And I'll even add some thoughts of my own, that's how seriously I'm taking it.

An important message from the Police - please pass this along to all the women you know.....Capital P? There now follows a message from Sting, listen up.

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 FLEET SERVICES!!! I've literally never seen an official police report that starts with "This actually happened" I think that's taken as read when it's in a police report. It's almost like you're trying too hard to convince me it's true because it probably isn't. I'll read on.

It was early evening, and a young girl stopped to get petrol. That's about the usual amount of detail you'd keep on a crime victim. She filled her tank she thought driving army vehicles would keep her safe, how wrong she was! hahaa! and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her, 'Don't pay for your petrol yet......walk around the store for a while, and act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. Up-selling. A man just got into the back of your car. I've called the police, and they're on their way'. 'Looking at you, I doubt you could have a boyfriend or anything, so I just rang the cops straight away.'

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang, and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go. According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here, originating from London. The scary part of this is, because the guy didn't have a weapon on him, So far this is the only thing that isn't scary. Turns out he was unarmed, arrested and helped the police with their inquiries with no fuss. Shit-scary. the police could only charge him with trespassing....I'm now lawyer, but I'm pretty sure 'attempted rape,' 'intent to kidnap' and 'organised gang crime' are still frowned upon by the courts.

He's back on the street and free to try again. Something similar to this happened at the Tesco garage on Cardiff Road in Newport recently, but luckily the cashier saw the man get into her car. Please be aware of what's going on around you, and warn your family and friends.

LADIES, you or one of your family or friends could be the next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not discard this message; it is very important that everyone knows what is happening. Please be careful when leaving your vehicle, and make sure it is ALWAYS LOCKED to prevent this from happening to you.

FROM THE MET POLICE
In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews, I I, the Met Police, think it is important to read the following info for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please take the time to read these pointers. There may be just one or two you hadn't thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Dial 999? Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. Genuinely quite interesting. Although Tae Kwon Do is a bit cheeky claiming the credit for human evolution.  If you are close enough to use it, do! Do NOT get closer just for the sake of using it. Should add that here, because if you believe some of this stuff, you might just be dumb enough to do that. I mean this is genuinely good advice tbf.

2. Dial 999? if a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you..... He is probably more interested in your handbag than you, Oh well done Sherlock. "Can I have your handbag?" "What is it you really want here?" and he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Still good advice. Although, "go fetch it" might piss him off a bit.

3. Dial 999? if you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Dial 999? Kick out the back tail lights, and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Other road users who see this will call 999 when they've stopped laughing. This is good advice and probably something you hadn't thought of, I guess coz you're not paranoid.

4. Dial 999 Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc In case you were confused as to when women might use a car, some examples., and just sit (doing their cheque book do people still use cheque books? And what are you doing in a cheque book when not writing out a cheque to pay for something? It's not like Sudoku, something to do to kill time. Stupid women or making a list Shopping's done. What next. Guess I'll make a shopping list). DON'T DO THIS! As I've pointed out it's silly. Apply some make up, adjust the chair and find that Olly Murs CD you like, it's probably in the door on the passenger side. A predator could be watching you you guys know that's just a movie right? and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. How do you leave with the doors locked? Oh I see.

5. Dial 999? A few notes about getting into your car in car park: And getting out again without showing the paps your pants
a) Dial 999? Be aware: look around you, look into your car, look at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat. And anything else that means you spend as much time outside your car as possible. Remember a killer is far more likely to be inside your car than in an open space. Warning! This may result in some overzealous petrol station attendant calling the police because it looks like you're checking over a car to steal. Also there's no advice on what to do if you find someone there. Maybe you could dial something?
b) Dial 999? If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attacker’s surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. Remember vans are evil. Don't leave yourself exposed. Crawl slowly and with difficulty across from the passenger side. The criminals almost certainly won’t think to get out and go around the car. REMEMBER: Use caution. If you accidentally sit on the gear stick trying to manoeuvre across you may accidentally be raped by your car. Might e-mail the police; ask if they need someone to proof read their warnings about attacker's. And maybe find out if they have any statistics we could use to back up their fear mongering.
c) Dial 999? Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) Certainly is better to be paranoid than dead. And you should not be afraid to look like an idiot. And remember when going back to the shop, walk backwards and don't take your eyes off the man you've just pretty much walked up to, (better to look like a mad woman than a dead woman).

6. Dial 999? ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone, and the perfect crime spot.* This post accepts no responsibility for women who become trapped in broken down lifts, either alone or with killers.

7. Dial 999? if the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT BE A VITAL ORGAN. "Well he shot me in the leg and caught up with me, but as I was being raped I thought how lucky I was to have my spleen intact." It's probably not bad advice, half the time he won’t even shoot you, but I just don't find anything terribly reassuring about the phrase "it most likely will not be a vital organ."

8. Dial 999? As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Well, that’s my new favourite sentence ever! I laughed so hard Pepsi came out of my nose, along with everything else I've eaten today. Was this written in the 1950s? "You women are always trying to be nice and pleasant to people and making them tea. Well don't. It'll end up getting your raped or killed you silly billy." Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, Yeah, but he had a dark side too. Remember women, good-looking men are as evil as the ugly ones. Good looking men, ugly men, all men really. Every man you see is out to murder you, don't you ever forget that (if I'm ever wrongly accused of murder, that bit it totally getting read out in court) who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women, ALWAYS. Not just for his murders. He got so many free drinks and queue jumps too. The prick. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" As human beings we feel an urge to help those with disabilities. Stop it. It may get you raped or killed. into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. I mean, yeah he did those things, but that doesn't mean the "met police" or "sado who wrote this stuff" have to warn a whole gender that being nice will get them killed.

9. Another safety point: Dial 999?
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last I said "what luck! I'm halfway through writing something staggeringly relevant", and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. "hmmm..." she thought, "That's odd." The police, who refer to themselves in the third person, because they forgot this is meant to be them writing, told her, 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. "hi guys, me again. You know when I said, it was a baby crying by the door, it's actually more like the sound of a baby crying by the window." The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way. Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' It could be a killer baby. He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes, thinking that someone dropped off a baby. "Hmmm, someone’s dropped off a baby, let me check my amazon history I'm sure I didn't order that. That's odd." He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls from women saying that they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. But had decided each time that it wasn't important to investigate or even verify that it was true.

I'd like to break at this point for a little play I like to call, the Baby Killers:

JOHN: "It's no fucking use Baz. I just can't get the hang of lock picking!"
BARRY: "Well, just break the door down John."
JOHN: "Owww. My fucking shoulder. This is stupid Baz. I was really looking forward to raping and murdering her too. I guess I'll just go home to the wife. But the baby will keep me up half the night....John, I've just had an idea, do you still have that tape recorder."

I'm working on a sequel where John invents a tape recorder that can crawl between the door and the window. I think I could take it to the fringe.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. Most likely, they'll think I'm some creep sending them stuff about attempted rape
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. !!!!  Send this to any woman you know who may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it, and it's better safe than sorry. I did just read that in there didn't I? A candle is not dimmed by the lighting of another candle.

"Linda, we have this rape gang case and we want to put out some advice on how young women can protect themselves."
"Finally! A chance to use my poetry A Level."
"Well, this is official police advice so we really just want the basic 'stay safe, because people be crazies' and 'don't be sympathetic to people' stuff."
"Can I at least use my candle metaphor?"
"If you must."
"And can I use the word 'crazies' in an official police document."
"Oh I guess. Just don't forget to mention dialling 999."
"I won’t."

TO ALL CAR OWNERS AND CAR DRIVERS: PLEASE READ

Warning!!!! Be aware of new car-jacking scheme ..You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift or put into reverse. That's not carjacking, that's just driving. You look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space, and you notice apiece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift the gear stick back into park or neutral, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper, or whatever it is that is obstructing your view. It probably was the paper.
When you reach the back of your car that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, Using their magic. Make them disappear again using the spells you learnt in defence against the dark arseholes jump into your car and takeoff!! Your engine was running, you would have left your purse in the car, and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. Because multiple car jackers wouldn't have a problem running you down, but would be too scared to attack you before this point.
BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN LONDON , MANCHESTER , AND MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!! "After successful trials in London and Manchester we have decided to expand our criminal activities into other areas," said a spokesman.

Just drive away, and remove the paper later! Don't worry, an obstructed view is far less dangerous than simply removing the leaflet left their by the owner of that new cafe in town and the lawyer will agree when you back into a pensioner, a good lawyer will get you off with just trespassing. It is stuck to your window, I know, you said that. If it wasn't on the window, what would be the problem? and be thankful that you read this email. I am. It's cheered me up, although I imagine it would make some people needlessly afraid to leave the house. Still better to be terrified of everyone and everything than dead. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, friends yes. Family, no, I used the word 'fuck' and my mum doesn't know I know that word especially to women! Not to women, it'll scare the shit out of them. A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys! Who does? Who's got me keys? Fuck!

Well, we've all had some fun with rape here today, but what have we learnt?

I'm not saying, don't take any of this advice, I'm just saying most of the stories contained in this are obviously bullshit and the ones that aren't, are in pretty poor taste. Just trust that the police would probably go to the papers and local authorities with a problem like this rather than suggest you repost them. Despite their bright colours and funny hats, the police aren't that attention seeking.

CREDITS (where they're due): Thanks to Zeta, Lee and Ben who joked about this with me last night and contributed all the funniest bits of this blog. Also to the people who reposted this so I saw it in the first place - I don't want to discourage you from posting more of them, because they really are terribly funny. Thanks guys.