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You don’t have to worry because I’ve been in scrapes far
worse than this and look at me, I’m not dead am I? I always get out alive!
The people who I am trapped with however…joking you twat!
We’re going to be fine. So the way I see it we’re trapped in a bank vault with
no food, no water, no phones – because someone’s kept going off during the
training drills!
I know that was me, I’m somebody. If I’d been talking about
your phone I’d have said “some nobody’s phone kept going off during the
training drills." Oh now, you’ve interrupted my train of thought. Don’t every
interrupt me again. I was so close to getting us out of here. Now I have to
start thinking of the whole plan again. Where was I?
I know! I know I’m trapped in a bank vault! We can see we’re
both trapped in a bank vault. I didn’t mean geographically where am I, I meant what was I just saying.
Oh, well maybe I did just say that, did I say anything after
I said about being trapped in bank vault.
Well, you are a nobody. And I am Daring Brad, bank breaker
extradornaire. Famous for it. Well sort of famous. You can’t be too famous for
it or they’ll arrest you. But I’m on whatever the equivalent of the Graham
Norton show is for people looking to avoid being seen by the general public.
I don’t know who Jimmy Fallon is but I’m guessing it’s not a
very funny reference. You just let me do the jokes. I’m going to cut your bits
out of this anyway because you’re a nobody. Everybody knows I’m the funniest
one in the crew. I’m the funniest and most handsome.
No that wasn’t an example of how funny I am.
Alright. Tell me one good joke you know.
Who’s There?
Robber Who?
Ok, that was pretty funny, but I’m still not putting you in
my book.
Yeah, I’m writing a book. Because I’m also the most
intelligent, funniest and most handsome one in the group. Shaun’s just called
the ‘brains of the operation’ on the grounds that he’s the one who brings the chalk to the meetings.
Of course you can write a book if you’re a criminal. You
just have to remember to redact certain details. For example I’m going to spell
Shaun’s name the other way to how he spells it.
Well I’m not going to spell your name at all, you’re a
nobody.
Now, how do we get ourselves out of here. I’m very good at
breaking into banks, not so good at breaking out. But we can find a way. Something must have
happened to Alann (with two N’s in case the feds are reading), he’s our
engineer, he was supposed to take out the main power generator and back up.
Let’s face it gold and money are no use to us in getting out. They can buy us
what we like on the outside. Enough gold here for one of those scented candles
that comes in a little glass jar.
But but but, people do leave valuables in bank safety
deposit vaults like this one. Maybe we can find something that isn’t useless
money or useless gold. I've got the codes in this notebook. Here. Quick start opening deposit boxes. How’d we get the codes to
every deposit box in the city bank I hear you ask?
I’m talking to the readers now, you’re supposed to be
getting busy. The codes? Well that’s where Big Steve comes in and, of course, Little
Steve.
I told you kid, I’ll do the jokes, but yes it does indeed
sound like the nickname Big Steve would have for his... Although I would point
out that it is wildly inappropriate given the circumstances.
Big Steve gives the whole operation an air of
respectability. He’s got class. He’s got style. He’s got grace. He’s a winner.
No he’s not a lady. Oh I see. Well it wasn’t a reference to
that song, I’m just no good with words. How would you describe big Steve then?
That’s pretty good. Too bad nobody will hear it nobody. Now
open those god damn safety deposit boxes.
Big Steve has a certain way about him. He’s well spoken.
Well dressed. Nothing but the finest Armani suits. His Pyjama’s even have a
tie. He drives the finest cars, eats at restaurants you have to book in
advance. Rubs shoulders with the right people. Goes to the theatre, for shows
that aren’t adapted from films. In short, Steve has a certain Je ne sais quoi
about him.
You didn’t come up with that. You trying to claim ownership
of the phrase je ne sais quoi now. I bet you don’t even know what it means.
Tell me what it means then.
See told you. Now open those deposit boxes.
Big Steve is our in. He hangs around with the richest people
in town. Gets to know them. Gets to know their wives, very well. Gets invited
to their houses and their parties. Big Steve is like the advanced guard.
Wherever we are going to do the next hit, he’s in town six months before,
schmoozing. Big Steve picks the marks. Learns which banks they keep their
valuables in and picks the bank we are going to target. But how do we get the
codes for the safety deposit boxes? I hear you ask. That’s where Little Steve
comes in. Little Steve or Steve Jnr is enrolled in the local school. Little
Steve has been to so many of the UKs prestigious private schools that he is
probably the real brains of our operations. What this guy doesn’t know about the
years 3 to 8 national curriculum is probably not written in Latin. He
infiltrates the school and makes friends. His years moving from one private
school to another every six months have made him very adept at fitting in and
making new friends with private school kids. Not so much with anyone else.
Personally I want to smack the little git every time I see him. Imagine not
turning up to a meeting because you’ve got fucking polo practice. But shortly
after arriving he hands out invitations to a birthday party he’s throwing at
the town’s finest restaurant. Someplace that sells Oysters and Lobsters and
Scallops and says ‘bruschetta’ when they mean ‘on toast.’ He takes these
invites and gives them to the oldest or favourite child of everyone who his
dad, Big Steve, has identified as a potential mark. Then after what he
laughingly calls a party, he declares “oh such fun, we must do this again
Velmoronica! Tell me when is your birthday.” And he memorises all of the
birthdays of all of the kids whose parents own these deposit boxes and that is
invariably the code we need to get into them. Found anything useful yet?
You don’t mean that the minister of defence owns one of
these boxes?
Why would someone else lock photos of the Defence minister in a vault.
Oh wow! These are…yeah, take them. The Sun will give us a
lot of money for these. Christ. Whoever owns these must be the most powerful
man in the country. I imagine whoever took them probably drinks to forget. But
they won’t help us get out of here. Keep looking.
Of course Little Steve very nearly ended up behind bars in
juvenile prison himself. Luckily they only caught Ricky. You see where Big
Steve was the brains of the operation, Ricky was never sure if he was the arse
or the elbow of the operation. One day he came up with a hairbrained scheme to
win the lottery. See at the time the lottery was being hosted by Eamon Holmes. So
in comes Ricky with a little idea. A very little idea. He sends Little Steve to
the school where Eamon Holmes’ children go. He reckons see that most people who
do the lottery pick the birthdays of their nearest and dearest and since Eamon
Holmes picks the numbers on the show, if he can find out Eamon Holmes’ kids’
birthdays, he can predict what numbers are going to come up. So three months
Ricky and Little Steve put into this project. And Ricky wants to win big so he
spends £100 on lottery tickets all with the same six numbers – “that’s not how
it works mate” was becoming something of a catchphrase for the rest of us – and
of course, lost on all of them. He went out that night to drown his sorrows and
ended up heading to ITV South Bank studios in quite a state with the plan to
drown Eamon Holmes instead. He made it all the way to the studio too! Accidentally
exposed himself to Denise Robertson during a commercial break and was arrested
while Phil and Holly tried to calm her down.
Found anything?!
You wont believe the stuff that some people leave in safety
deposit boxes. Look, this one guy just has all the instruction manuals to
everything in his house in case he needs them. A collection of Pokemon cards.
Here we’ll take these. These’ll be worth a few bob on ebay. The addresses of
all the heads of government in the world and what appears to be a list of
codenames. Might just leave that one alone. What’s in this one? What do you
suppose these numbers are?
Someone’s locked up all their PIN numbers on a bit of paper
including the number for this safety deposit box. A first edition Jane
Austin…five pound note. Wait a minute? Wasn’t she on the tenner? Some dodgy
people about.
Ok, look, we’ve got to start seriously thinking about
getting out of here. Give me that list. Now somewhere in any bank safety
deposit box vault, the bank manager will have a box. If we can find that maybe
there’ll be some thing in there that we can use…
