Top 10 Places To Visit After You Die

I was watching the channel Really - as in 'Really? They really made these shows?' - on Paranormal Thursday recently. For those of your who have not had the joy of watching Paranormal Thursday it's a raft of very similar shows:
Most Haunted
Ghost Adventures
Ghost Diaries
When Ghosts Attack
Most Haunted USA
Ghost Adventures UK
Most Haunted UK
Most Haunted International
Ghost Adventures International
Help! My Parents are Ghosts
My house is Haunted
Haunted Homes Under The Hammer
My Creepy Abandoned Red Neck Farm is Haunted

All of these essentially boil down to two formats. Either some night vision footage where presenters scream and shout of the excitement and horror of seeing 'orbs.'

For the uninitiated orbs are these tiny circles of light. One thing they're not is ghosts. No film was ever made about the spotting of orbs. It's certainly not the most haunted it's possible to be. Paranormal Activity wouldn't be as scary if the girl was just filming reflections off her glasses for two hours. (That said, it would be more scary if they'd remembered to CGI in the monster instead of just having people being pulled about at random). At most orbs prove the existence of the Mysterons.
The other format is slightly mad women who live in the outback and heard a strange noise at night recounting their gripping story. They simultaneously tell us that it was the most psychologically scarring experience of their lives, while program makers force them to participate in accurate recreations.
And of course it's all very American. A genuine quote "I dint never believe in no ghosts before this, just the lord God almighty!" She may as well have added "Uncle Sam Guns."

All this got me worrying about these poor people and the crap they have to put up with every day, so I thought about what I could do to help. I decided I could redress a balance in the world by posting

 The Top 10 Places To Visit AFTER You Die

 

1. The Most Haunted Pub In Britain

 

 

 

Many pubs now have ladies nights, or singles nights or gay nights to make it easier to meet like minded people in this busy modern world. So why don't we organise a night at Britain's Most Haunted pub to meet other ghosts, swap stories, catch up on the latest ghost gossip and randomly move a few pint glasses around. Plus it seems you guys love a bit of nightlife as you never come out during the day.

The only problem with this is there is some debate about what actually is the most haunted pub in Britain, but I've done some googling and narrowed it down to about 30% of pubs in Britain which claim to be the most haunted.

In fact, the pub I work in has claimed to be haunted, because it's next to the railway tracks and after a rail crash, the bodies were stored in the cellar before being transported to the hospital. I question this story, as health & safety wont let us keep any food with the beer as it makes it go bad so I question the landlord who went "yeah, sure mate, just dump them with all the booze."

 

2. The Morgue

People are always doing drugs to achieve that out of body experience, well now you can experience that without the need to stick anything in your arm, which is good because your arm is now just a cloud of ether. Play amateur sleuth as you uncover evidence that condemns the sister you wrote out of your will, or remove the bits of orange from your teeth and massage the rope marks out of your neck if you died in embarrassing circumstances.

There's something for every dead person at the morgue, if you're a ghost there's closure or there's the simple pleasures like brains and blood if you're a vampire or zombie, and nobody except the hospital administrators will mind you taking it.

 

3. This Place

Because who'd notice.

Yeah, there's an election on and I felt this post lacked satire.

It still does.

 

4. Literally Anywhere Other Than The Place You Died.

 

We are all familiar with that big problem for estate agents: that your eyes look to the left when you're lying.

But there's also the problem of not being able to find a buyer because you can still see the chalk outline on the kitchen floor or it's built on an Indian burial plot. I've never been horrifically murdered in my home - although the responses I get when I post a light hearted joke on social media accounts, suggest its a growing possibility - but if I had, I think I'd move. The spirits are always disturbed and usually move things about and smash things up. Move out! Get away! Of course you're going go be miserable if you hang around the same place. Start a new life (insensitive term, I'm sorry), you'll find you're happier in a new location, one where you weren't horribly murdered. Plus you're driving down house prices which the Daily Telegraph tells me is the worst thing ever in the world!

Another thing you hear is "I could smell those cigarettes he used to smoke!" Stop that too! It's already killed you once! Some people never learn. Packets of fags should come with the warning 'Caution: This smell will freak out your kids when you're gone.'

And while I'm at it, stop visiting your graves! The 00s are over guys! Goth's aren't cool anymore.

 

5. Counselling

 

Again, how often do you dead guys go around yellin' "LEAVE THIS PLACE!" and begin smashing things up when some new person dares to move into your house. You need to talk through that anger with someone. Learn to let go of that anger, like you let go of your life or your friend's hand. Being a ghost can be the coolest experience, it has to be because of the effect you have on a room, but think of the fun you can have: walking into places through walls (you wouldn't have to pay silly prices for the cinema again), you can fly, you can probably teleport, and you carry your head under your arm which can lead to all sorts of japes. On top of that, it's only a matter of time before they start bringing out novels where a dull girl has to decide whether she loves a ghost or a zombie, you'll be trendy (albeit a younger, cooler version of you with none of the consequences usually associated with being dead). So just get some help with your anger and look on the bright side of death.

And Vampires, they can help you too! Hypnosis! It can help you give up that blood addiction. I don't know why you keep drinking blood. Do you think it will help your stupid pale complexion? It wont. Give it up. You'll learn to love salads and water. And people will like you more as a result.

Zombies, ok, psychology probably wont help you as you're already basically completely brainless, unthinking morons now, have you considered homeopathy and alternative medicine? You're pretty much their target market. And it might help you get better if you have a tiny bit of amygdala in a pint of water.

 

6. Get Into The Opera, and go see The Meistersinger Von Nürnberg the four and a half hour opera

Because life's too short for that shit. But now...

Plus phantoms love the opera.

 

7. Paris. But definitely not Garfunkel's Restaurant

This is one for the vampires. You know the British way to eat steak, "I want it very very well done please, is there a button for burnt? No blood. No Flavour." In France they know how to cook a proper rare steak. If you ask for it rare, you might have to chase the bloody cow around a field first.

I'm sure France aren't the only country who know how to make a decent steak, but they are the closest, and I would advise taking a night trip on the Eurostar, so you can be back the following day to sleep in soil from your own country, as customs can be very fussy about bringing soil into other countries. As if our filthy British soil is going to make a mess of their nice clean dirt.

A trip to France has to be better than murdering virgins right? As fun as I'm sure that is.

But Dan, I hear the two of you still reading cry, why have you singled out Garfunkles? It would be weird not to say. Specifically because they refused to cook a steak for me under medium because of 'health and safety.' Now I don't believe this is 'elf and safety gone mad! (It sounds like 'elf, hahahahaha, Richard Littlejohn readers will get why that's hilarious. Please explain it to me). I believe it's either a case of the chef not knowing how to do it, or the meat being a bit off. In which case it's probably fine for zombies. Yeah, zombies go to Garfunkles. I wouldn't want to be responsible for anywhere being left unhaunted.

 

8. The Scene of a Recent Disaster

Team up! Who said all superheroes had to be living? You guys are like a deceased Avengers! Ghosts: Get in there, teach the new ghosts how to teleport and stuff and show those remaining alive that its not the end. You need that blood clearing up? Never fear this Vamps brought his straw! You lost an Arm? Here, just tear one out of this zombie, its a bit rotten but better than crushed under a pile of rubble. Oh did you cut your finger? Here, unravel a bit of this mummy.

9. The Letters Page of the Daily Telegraph

You guys were alive in the old days, the very old days! So you are ideally placed to tell the world how much better it all was. This is an idea to fill the time of both ghosts and vampires, but I feel it's especially important for Vampires, because you hear about ghost writers all the time. Lets redress the balance.

Oh but, by the way, stop writing those shitty e-mails threatening to turn up in my room if I don't pass them on to 10 people. Jesus, you already gave it a clickbait title, like that's not going to get enough attention. My point is, it's a negative whiny tone about how someone ignored your Facebook message and you died, it doesn't help the image of Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies and Mummies as a bit evil. There's a reason the friendly ghost was worthy of a film. It's seen as rare by the living!

10. G-A-Y

 

Because isn't that where you always go when you can't get into Heaven.

 

Boom! LOL!

Manifesto 2015

Here's my manifesto should you wish to elect me.

• Britain to leave the EU, and become part of Australia in the hope that we get a tan
• Scotland will not be given their independence, but they will be given a new big TV, access to the car at weekends and a later bed time.
• Political leaders debates on television to be played by the rules of 15 to 1
• I would cut down the Trident Nuclear Death system from four submarines to three because if there are more than three the name trident makes no sense
• BBC Three to move online. All programs to be cut down to clips that are not long enough to wank to, and encourage you to pay to watch the full video which nobody will
• People who say 'nobody will watch TV online' to be laughed at
• Channel 4 to be renamed Channel 104
• Selfie Sticks to be outlawed. A new system will be developed to replace them, which will involve people asking other people to take photos of them. Pilot scheme to be attempted to see if this works.
• England will make all the balls for all future sports world cups so that at crucial moments of the game the England captain can pick up the ball and announce we're going home, because we're losing.
• The British Economy will be bought back into the black because every town in the UK will have a mandatory swear jar
• In order to discourage the smoking of cigarettes, they will be sold in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket and there will be plain packaging apart from a photo of Andre Reui to make them unappealing to kids.
• All news stories that are just what someone has said on Twitter to be declared 'not news' and reporting will be banned. Reporting Katie Hopkins tweets will be an arrestable offence
• All things to be broken down into those which are caused by immigrants and those that are caused by kids playing Grand Theft Auto

• Sex Education to focus more on technique
• Daniel Craig is on his final warning, if he cries in the next Bond film he will be fired
• A British version of the Avengers will be set up to fight crime. It will be comprised of British heroes: David Beckham, Bennedict Cumberbatch, Dermot O'Leary, Ed Sheeran, Emma Watson and Doctor Who.
• We will teach the three R's in schools, Reading, Riting and Rspelling
• We pledge to make Britain love Elvis Presley again. Tony Blair said his priorities could be summed up in 3 words "education, education, education." David Cameron said his priorities could be summed up in 3 letters NHS. Ours can be summed up in 3 sounds "uh-huh-huh"
• We would put pressure on the American government to end their cartoon series before they get any worse
• The Victoria cross will be given to anyone who gives up alcohol for a month or goes on a diet and joins a gym
• The phrase 'Benefits Scrounger' to be replaced by 'Person on benefits'
• Pensioners will be paid bonuses for each comment they post on their grand children's university photos
• Help-To-Buy scheme that helps people make first step on the property ladder, to be expanded to enable people to afford cinema food
• We pledge a referendum before the end of the year over the issue of whether Kanye can headline Glastonbury

• In light of prison overcrowding, prisoners will compete in a sing off to determine who gets to stay and who gets booted out of prison
• In order to cut down illegal immigration to the UK, a huge Total Wipeout course will be built in the English Channel
• Pay day loans can be repaid without interest as long as a pint is purchased to say thank you to the provider
• Bankers Bonuses to be paid in book tokens
• The Royal Family to be given the same wealth and respect as the Americans give the Kardashians
• We believe that the campaign to end page 3 is flawed as there is very often serious news on page 4 which would also have to go.
• Ministry of defence to be renamed ministry of attack in order to scare other countries. Ministry of midfield to be closed down as nobody really knows what they do
• We would treble tuition fees to £27000 a year but we are willing to compromise at a level of 57p a year.
• We would fight obesity by taking the beer tax off the beer and putting it on the beer belly.
• We support Apprentice Ships and would seek to move all Alan Suagr's assets offshore
• We would put a 40% tax on tax avoidance schemes
• The nuclear codes would be changed to Password1 to bring it inline with my Facebook and stop me forgetting it
• We feel that people are bored with the bedroom tax now, so we'll experiment with the shower tax, the kitchen tax and the disabled toilet at your work tax.
• We are the only party offering an in/out/in/out referendum on the hockey kockey