Would you go to the toilet on your brand new £160 iPhone?
That’s what Apple wants you to do. Their new edition of the
iPhone, the 6P, will be released in October – in time for the iPhone 7’s
release in December – and will include a new app that allows you to urinate
using your phone or tablet.
Unrinosity experts at Apple say, in a press release, that
they hope to bring “the removal of bodily waste fluids kicking and streaming
into the twenty-first century.”
The new iPhone – which Apple CEO Paul McIntosh describes as the
“fastest most efficient iPhone yet” in a deliberate attack on companies who
produce slower and less functional phones each time – will cost £160 and the
app is available to download for the iPhone 5.9999(recurring) for £1.99,
however McIntosh says “The app is free to use as long as you have Wi-Fi coverage, so
you can be certain that you will not, literally, be pissing your money away if
you buy our latest iPhone.”
Waste would be transported, in energy form, through the Wi-Fi
or 5G connections where it can be recycled to make Strongbow Cider. McIntosh added
that “This is the stuff of science fiction made accessible to today’s market,”
and cited the often criticised episode of Star
Trek: The Next Generation where Commander Riker is caught short on an alien
world and uses his communicator to avoid having to relieve himself in some
bushes which would have invoked the death penalty.
Wallace Cummingham, chairman of the all-party parliamentary
committee for public conveniences, called a meeting to discuss the idea and
issued a statement to journalists outside the Gents at Westminster station. “We
have spent a lot of time in the chamber today pondering the issue. We believe
the iPhone represents, continues to represent and has always represented a direct
attack on Britain’s public lavatories. While multi-millionaires like Paul McIntosh wipe their arse – forgive my French – with the millions of dollars generated by
their iPhones and iPads and iPatches, people are turning away from the 30p conveniences
at our train stations, meaning the train lines are hit and forced to make
cutbacks. Primary London Connections, who operate commuter trains into London
from the surrounding towns in Hertfordshire, can no longer afford to buy the
air fresheners needed to remove the smell of piss – pardon my French – from their
trains. I believe, based on the evidence I’ve seen, that this is a direct
result of commuter's refusal to pay 30p when they need to make use of the
facilities.”
When his points were put to Mr McIntosh, McIntosh responded
that, “Actually we have seen an increase in the amount of time people spend in
the toilet since the invention of the iPhone. Business meetings, arrangements
to go out for the night, the lining up of candy in the correct order to be
crushed can all now be carried out in the comfort of one’s toilet.”
“Oh please!! –Pardon my French,” Mr Cummingham responded. He
has argued consistently that the iPhone has been an attack on the public
lavatory industry since its invention in 2007. The release of the iPhone 1 with
its smooth screen, provided the perfect flat shiny surfect to inhale cocaine from and took away many consumers who would previously have visited public lavatories. “Many of many fellow politicians have seen this evidence and could vouch for it”, he said libellously and in
direct quotes to protect the writer of any news articles. "And many of my fellow MPs have stopped visiting public toilets all together since the invention of Grindr! - Pardon my French and raging homophobia," said the Conservative Peer.
Perhaps Mr Cummingham and the iPhone detractors will be
comforted by the fact that, due to decency laws, in order to use the iPee app,
users will have to go into a toilet before they remove their penis or lady
parts.
The iPhone 6P will not yet allow consumers to do a number 2 - due to it being incredibly impractical to find a simple keypad on most
smartphones numbers 1 and 3-9 will be quite hard to find too. “Defecation is
something we’re all working on,” said Paul McIntosh, “but the problem we have encountered
is how do you call your friends and poo at the same time with the same device?
We have found many people like to do both simultaneously now. We really need to find somewhere we can sit for a good long time and have a really good think about these things.”
Other changes to the new iPhone will include the removal of
the camera on the front after a prototype for the 6P was given to New York
Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner and an accident with the camera mode and iPee
app put his bid in Carlossal Danger. There will also, despite rumours, not be an iPhone 6P-Mini released just a month later as Mr McIntosh put it: “We feel the iPee app may not work if a man should find himself in a situation where he was trying to use it but caught sight of a man with a bigger iPhone urinating next to him.”
“Look,” he added as a final comment to his critics like
Wallace Cummingham, “It’s not a vendetta. We just want to make life better for
everyone, especially ourselves. It’s not an attack on the public toilets of
Britain,” he laughed, “I’m sure we’ve also put some of those iconic British
phone boxes of yours out of commission too!”
Mr Cummingham had no comment to make. Since 2007, telephone
boxes had been merged into his department for public conveniences.
