Yes it turns out Sepp Blatter is totally evil, as anybody who has seen any film ever could have told you. No screen writer ever has written the sentence "our hero Sepp Blatter fights to save the day from the evil Hank Goodheart." Remember in 2010 when we were saying "maybe BP aren't totally to blame for this ocean-destroying oil spill" and then they wheeled out their chairman Karl Henric Svanberg. Be honest, you don't know what Karl Henric Svanberg looks like but you pictured him half in darkness wearing a monocle in one eye, and an eye patch on the other with a scar all the way down to his twirled moustache. Equally when I first read the words Sepp Blatter in the newspaper, I thought "isn't that the bloke in Skyfall who takes out his false teeth and his face collapses?" If only he was that virtuous. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if FIFA was a front for the Suicide Squad. (Maybe we'll get the Justice Premier League to beat them).Amongst other things they are accused of taking bribes for the World Cups to be hosted in Russia and Qatar. I'm not sure how these bribes are any different to the bids that we and Australia put in. Maybe FIFA just need the brown envelopes for something. After all they can't have much budget to spend on stationary, being a non-profit organisation I imagine they don't have much money and what little they do have probably comes from bake sales.
The death toll in the Qatar world cup always brings the mood down. Let's dwell on it.
That's horrific. Look at that compared to the London Olympics, where only the Queen's stuntwoman died. Did you know that when they organise the toilets in West End theatres, they print out that sheet and one picture of a woman and stick them on doors.
That said, I've seen football on the telly, and I'm not sure all those people did die. Some of them probably just went down clasping their faces when the opposition came near in the hope of a day off work (which by the way, they don't get).
Even David Cameron supported a change of FIFA leadership, adding "I hope my favourites, Team GB win the 2016 world cup in China." But for balance Vladimir Putin is supporting Sepp Blatter, which is a little bit like having Katie Hopkins say "he's not that bad is he?" It's like Satan saying "I think snakes get a bad rep." And it's not just Putin who thinks the American's are interfering in things that don't concern them. We British fans don't really like the fact that Americans have got involved. Because soccer and massive tax fraud are as British as fish 'n' chips, afternoon tea and racists singing on the tube. American's don't do football, the NFL is just an opportunity for advertising occasionally interrupted by a bit of football, now you couldn't say that about the Barclays Premier League could you?
Meanwhile FIFA have announced that their next football game will feature women's teams. Leading many fans to complain that "why would we want to play as women?" You know it doesn't really matter right? 1) it's optional. 2) It's all you. It's you pushing the buttons that makes them do stuff. When I play Mariokart as Princess Peach it doesn't mean I spend half the race trying to parallel park. Besides if you want to play as a bunch of girls just select the Man City option at the start of the game.
Anyway, as someone who has always hated football, here are my suggestions for how to improve it, should Sepp Blatter stand down as president rather than running things from a Swiss Prison.
How To Make Football Better
By Dan Vine
- Taking our cue from the more exciting game of cricket, matches will be extended to five days in length. Yes, people will say that cricket is boring as it goes on for five days, but after an hour of cricket I would expect between 50 and 100 points to be scored, in football 90 minutes can go by and it's 0-0, how is that more exciting?
- At the end of transfer deadline day, a fans 'wildcard' player will be added to the team.
- Fantasy league to contain actual fantasy elements eg. unicorn goal keepers
- If the referee determines that a player is faking an injury, the opposing team can inflict the amount of pain equivalent to how they acted.
- If after 90 minutes no one has won, there will be no extra time, the trophy will be shared.
- In accordance with the rules of FIFA the winner stays on and the losing manager has to go and make the tea while the guy who was previously sitting out gets a chance to play.
- In fact managing the national team is a big job, we should go back to the days of having two managers like when we had Sven Gore and Erickson.
- Red button to offer optional vuvuzela noise, especially over any of Gary Neville's analysis
- The Sky Sports Monday Night Football studio to be made less advanced than the set of the USS Enterprise as it ruins the magic for sci-fi fans.
- The term Wives and Girlfriends to be replaced by Wives or Girlfriends to encourage love and monogamy
- The term Wives or Girlfriends to NEVER be abbreviated for fucks sake, not even by Chelsea fans on the Paris underground.
- Referees to be chosen from amongst respected and trustworthy members of the local community, as it has come to my attention that many are wankers and nobody knows who they are.
- Better yet, celebrity referees.
- All referees to be given free prescriptions from opticians
- In order to avoid ugly fights on the pitch which could provide negative role models for young children watching, referees will carry forms so any grievances can be put in writing.
- If Manchester United want to play 5 minutes of extra time, I say we let them. After all, they're getting paid enough, make them work for it.
- Goal line technology to be built into all school jumpers to avoid fights over goals in school playgrounds
- At half time some guys come on the TV in suits and ties, this should be how everyone dresses, you're at work for God's sake. It's like in school, remember you're representing your school when you go on trips so look smart.
- If teams will insist on swapping sides at half time, each half of the pitch should be significantly different. Eg. One half is a desert while the other is a jungle, split it along elements like at the Pokemon stadium
- Footballers to be paid time and a half for all extra time added to the game. It's only fair.
- Match of the Day to focus on what is actually THE Match of the Day. There cannot be more than one Match of the Day.
- An outright ban on Adrian Chiles
- The phrase 'Glory seekers' to be banned as it's stupid. "You only support Arsenal because they're winning," yeah, that's the point of football isn't it? You're supposed to win. Who supports the losers?
- All fans to learn tragic operatic ballads about loss, heartbreak and death to counter claims that we only sing when we're winning.
- What the hell happened to Des Lynam? Someone to look into that.
- Let Kevin Pietersen play, please. He just wants something to do.
- World Cup to be hosted in the lovely temperate conditions of the great footballing nation the North Pole, because Santa has promised me a train set this year.
- Australia to be included in the world cup now that they're in Eurovision
- Baddiel & Skinner to do every world cup song ever. And NO ONE ELSE. I'm looking at you Neil and Christine Hamilton
And on that...note seems the wrong word after that song. Goodbye.
