Halloween Special

Before we start, I must tell you now not to read this blog. I don't want to come across all Marge Simpson at the start of a Treehouse of Horror episode of the simpsons where she comes out at the start and goes "this is going to be really scary," obviously it's going to be scary, it's a halloween special, and they have to put that there for the kids, even tho as kids we loved the scary episodes even more and as grown ups we all think the simpsons isn't really a kids program anyway. BUT NO! I'm serious. I've never been more serious about anything in my life (apart from a comment I left on a website that gave Asylum of the Daleks a bad review.). The story that I will impart to you over the coming blog is very very very scary indeed. and it's all the more scary because it's all true! Yes, look, I am well aware that all halloween and ghost stories start like that but...Id say read the evidence for yourself, but you don...--

let me put it like this:

A girl called Hannah read this blog, she assumed it was some sort of joke or amusing parody of a ghost story. 3 days later she was dead. An incident with a flat burning bought about by ghostly interference.

A guy called Alex read this blog. He found the whole thing laughable. He wasn't laughing 24 hours later when he was dead.
Nobody can laugh when they're dead and I haven't made that up to scare you on halloween, science has proven it.

The scientist I asked to look over this thought it seemed highly scientificly impossible and said anybody who believed it was a complete numbnuts (his words not mine). Well he didn't look so clever when EXACTLY 24 hours later (give or take an hour) he stood on a plug....

BAREFOOT.

Arthur read this blog, he ignored it's message proclaiming "well I'll believe it when I see it." He certainly saw it when 24 hours later he was blinded.

Malcolm went to look into how his friend Jon had died and stumbled across this blog. "It can't really be cursed" thought he, but he wasn't thinking that 24 hours later when the newsagents had sold out of the paper he usually bought...

So do stop reading now, for the tale I am about to impart is not for the faint hearted and you ignore it at your cost.

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It was halloween and it is thundering outside. Dan, a boy, was at home on his own and is sat at his computer and is trying to write a blog.

it's night.

he cant think of whatt to write about, when suddenly and slowly he thinks about
those old chain-letters that you see some  times on the interweb and that used to pop up on My

Space from time to time. He always enjoyd parodying them back in the day/ Maybee Dan would look
for 1 of them to mock the grama of now, he thought.

Suddenly a chat window appeared on his screen.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.

This was most odd thought Dan, four he did not know anybody with that many x's in her name.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Want to no some thing fun!

She asked and/or exclaimed. Must bee 1 of those porno pop-ups about girls looking for sex in his area now. Dan herd these contained viruses so didn't click on them, on the basis that if there in the area hed run in2 them in Tecsos sooner or later.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I have no eyes.
Boy: How ironic is the mad spelling of your name then?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Huh!
Boy: Grammar joke! dw.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: wear was i?
Boy: "No eyes."
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: O i get it now. no i didn't mean that...I me....
Boy: Obvz. bad tayst jk sozzy. start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Se...o i see wat ur doin. fukk yu this is imprtnt.
Boy: Sorry.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I hav no eyes & i am dead.

Dan was begginning to doubt her nickname (SeXi) but beggening to understand her nickname for him (sexy).

Boy: Oh right, soz abt that.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: do u wnt 2 kno how i died.
Boy: ideally not.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well...its a long story
Boy: in that case ***8**dan closed the window****

he leanned backk in his chair and returned to thinking about his blogs. wuld he rite a parody of one of thse chain letters? or not? wuld peepl still get them? he hopped they wud. those things were lyk super scary. mayb he wouldn't. just then a conversation window popped up.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: yu cant silence me lyk that.
Boy: Aaaaaaaahhhh! (too make it clear, he said that rather than typed it) **he fell off his chair in horror** (again, he did it, not typed it).
Boy: **falls off chair in horror** he typed byway of explanasion

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx then patiently explained that you must signout of chat rather than just closing the window.
Boy: Oh fanx. ***he signed out of chat and closed the window**
Just then their was a knock at the door. Boy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! (see above) ***he fell of his chair***
Boy: I really need to fukking fix that bak weel.
There was the same loud knock at the door. he went down the stairs and opened the door and Saw a young girl standing there, he didn't recognize.

"YOU IGNORED ME ON THE INTERNET AND NOW IM GOING TO FUKKING

RAPE YOU YOU MOTHER FUKKER!" she exclaimed by way of introduckshion.
"What? But you mean that your..."
"yes..." she explained herself.
Lamenating the loss of innocence in childrens fancy dress costumes these days, dan handed over some sweets. "I fink all the smarties are gone," he apologised. "if yu want a tip stick to the usual 'trick or treat' opening line from now on."
"I THOUGHT THE RAPE LINE WAS PUNCHIER!"
"nO. pEOPLE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE BY THE TRACKSUIT, THE MEDALLION AND THE SACK OF CHILDRENS LETTERS FROM THE 70s" said Dan wisely.
Thanks Mr. said the sweet stealing girl (to clairify: she was stealing sweets, she was neither sweet nor a theif) NICE COSTUME she added.
dAN slamed the door in2 her face and she walked on to the next house. How dare she call his onesie a halloween costume? he was just chillin. she was barely even looking at him any way. idk wat the world is cumming to, fort dan.
He went back up to his room 2 mak a start on his chain-leter parody blog. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! he screamed and sat on his chair in order to fall off it.

wat he saw on the screen was truly disturbing.
.......................................
...............................................
..............................
.......................
....................

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
...................................



...........

He made a MENTAL note to change his screensaver from "My Pictures" to "windows default" and delete all evidence of that mental night out.

.............

He sat in his chair and touched the mouse to re-move the screensaver. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *He fell off his chair*

Putting a book under the back weel of his seat 2 balance, it, he returend 2 the horrror on the screen. The conversation window was open again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You can't stop me just lyk tht.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Theirs no way yu can stp me
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cann always talk too you.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hullo?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You their?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: .................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ...................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ......................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Cinema Times, Taken 2, November 3rd.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sorry, ment to type that into google. mybad.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ..........................
Boy: Sorry, had to answer to the door. Trick & treaters.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I know.
Boy: Howd u no?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I watched you.
Boy: Hu? He checks his webcam and threw a sock over it**
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I can always see you.
Boy: Oh sheeeet! Th...wait a minute...didn't you say you had no eyes.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well, I guess i did, but wat i mean is...
Boy: how u seein me then. im not available in fucking brail.
Boy: though im happy for you to have a quick rub if it helps you identi...no wait...eewww...
Boy: how necro is it if you're all ready having a convo with them first? Do you have photo of yourself?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cnt tak a photo. I'm dead!
Boy: Right, but you can use Facebook. There's wi-fi in hell is there?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Listen yu stoopid litto shit. I have no eyes. I'm dead. I was killed by my bf who was meant to luv me. he killed me nd hid my body under the floorbords of my house. then i killed him. now I'm contacting you from beyond the grave. Stop picking holes and be afraid. Be very afraid. 4 i gonna kill you. are you home alone tonight daniel?
Boy: Er....no.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: r u home alone if yu dont count yur cat as a person?
Boy: Er...yes. But hes' got lots of personality and hes' almost like a person.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then y dont i come over and kill yu tonite.
Boy: Er....traffic? its very cold outside. and the telly is good.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: The TV is shit these days and yu kno it.
Boy: Fair point.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Right, I'm coming over.

Dan got up and ran away from the computer.
Boy: excuse me a minute, got to run away from the computer a second. he typed.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sure thing.

I got up and ran around the house locking all the doors and windows until he was certain that nobody could possibly get in. A ghoulish face appeared at the window in the front door. "Just take them and fukk off!" Dan shouted as he through sweets threw the catflap before boarding it up...er...with some wood...that I keep by the cat door for just such an emergency as this.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Feel all safe now.
Boy: Yes thanks.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Remember aaaaaaages ago wen i aksed 'wear was i?' well.... i didnt mean it like

that. i meant wear was i wen i died!
Boy: Where?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: my house
Boy: Well thats cleared that up, thanks. if theres nothing else, i was sort of trying to right an blog.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then u moved in to my house. iv always been here. and u just locked urself in w/me. lmfao. u cnt.
Boy: then why are you using facebook to contact me?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: dont know. just feels better really. you can really express urself better sometimes when your not face-2-face w/someone ya kno watt i mean?
Boy: Cool.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: anyway, point is, i died here 25 years ago and now i am back to kill u.
Boy: WTFukk did i do? Thats hardly fair.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Is it fair that i had to die?
Boy: You are quite annoying, tbh.

Dan felt the book under the wheelless foot of his chair be kicked out and fell back off my chair.
Boy: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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since u read this blog, yu now hav to tell at least 10 of ur friends abt it or Dan and/or SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx will cum in the night (childish) and kill u 2.*

*to clarify, yu will be killed, not the popular smug irish band. i dnt kno if it will be SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx or myself that kills yu, im not sure of the ettiquette here. im new too this u see, ive only just died on halloween 2012 and then i had to write all this up so i dnt kno the rules. i kno ur thinkin, "but i dont live in dans house, surely that was the point there" bt....er....its complicated. stop aksing questions abt my logic. right, thats it, im coming to kill u. jst tell ur friends now and hav a happy halloween or ill kill u.

actually, hav a fukking shit scary halloween and whatever u do, dnt turn around right now.

A Rapey Blast From The Past

Gonna post a new blog tomorrow about Halloween, but while going through the hard-drive on my old pre-uni laptop I can across some proper old blogs from my myspace days. This is, as far as a I recall, the first one of these that I did. One of those chain letter things. My comments are in red. (I've made some minor changes to fix my own grammar and update some references).

One night these five girls were having a sleepover when they heard



chaos at the end of her street.



they went down to find out what was happening.



they learned that a woman was



raped and the man was on the loose.



so they quickly run home very sensible! Girls if this happens to you always leave the place you're safely inside and run home



and bolt everything down. There was no need to bolt stuff down, the rapist wont nick anything, just lock the doors, don't start bolting stuff down.



everything settles down for a while



then they started hearing weird noises



coming from outside.



they let their minds go wild well not that wild really, I mean they are told a rapist is on the loose on their street and hear a noise outside and think it's a rapist, that's not that wild. If they thought it was Mitt Romney singing the hits of T-Rex, that would be wild.



so they got scared and hid inside a closet. Good sized closet to hide 5 girls, obviously a nice house



the man was really outside so not really letting their minds go that wild and



found a window that had a broken bolt. Well why didn't they check this when they bolted everything down!?When rapists are concerned take basic safety precautions and check things and report any broken locks.



he crept in quietly.



the girls were scared crapless.



he walked into the room



and opened the closet,

"Nice sized closet" he said looking at the five of them.

the girls screamed and ran in separate directions. My God! This closet really is massive! It has separate directions! I'm assuming the girls didn't run towards the door coz that's where the man was so that would be stupid. So there are six separate exists in total! Also incidentally when you say “the girls ran home” do they all live together? In which case why the heck were they going to a sleepover somewhere else?



four of the girls went downstairs and



locked the cellar door, Good idea, leave yourselves no method of escape and leave one of your friends stranded with a rapist! Always a good move. "Sorry mate but this is a cellar, its not as big as a wardrobe that we could all fit into.” Are there really 5 other exits from the closet? That seems unlikely. That four of the six doors would lead to the same place too just seems a bit…you know what I’m saying. How many doors does one wardrobe need?

that was right above the bathroom. Right ABOVE the bathroom! So they have the room with the closet, then below that they have a cellar then they have a bathroom below that! Any more underground floors? Btw, below the bathroom is where they keep the Batmobile and below that is the Hammersmith and City line, and below that is the girls’ kitchen.



He caught the fifth girl



and took her into the bathroom, if the cellar is above the bathroom, why did he not catch the other girls on the way passed.



raped her,



and skinned her alive. Bit harsh! He left the person raped in the street alive to tell her story to the 5 girls, this is not fairness.



her friends heard her die that night Well they would



but couldnt do anything about it. Well they could have let her come into the cellar with them where they were safe or reported it to the police as soon as they discovered there was a rapist on the loose but apart from those very obvious things there’s nothing they could do about it.



they listened to her scratching the door to get out.



in the morning when he had fled,



the remaining went into the bathroom.



There engraved into the wall was her message:



"how could you have let me die" That's holding a grudge! Having been skinned alive you get some sort of cutting implement and engrave a strongly-worded letter of complaint on the wall, rather than roll around the floor in agony at not having any skin and being in the kind of pain its just unnatural to be alive after



they looked up to get the tears out of their eyes



and saw her flesh dangling from the knife that skinned her.



If you dont repost this (pass the story on) Thanks I know what repost this means



the man will skin you alive too, but if I repost it he knows I know the story, If I keep quiet he'll have no reason to skin me alive, 



because they havent caught him yet.



And the girl will make sure you will die, She's hardly in a position to make sure of anything really.



so she can pass on the tale. Again not really in a position to pass it on.



Fact: A girl died in 1933 by a homicidal murderer. Well that proves it then. All the facts add up. Well one of the facts adds up. Well is possibly a coincidence. Also the “because they haven’t caught him yet” bit: if you’re saying this happened in 1933 the “yet” bit displays a frankly unrealistic element of optimism.

He buried her in the ground when she was still alive. Sorry, where's this bit from and what relevance does it have to the above tale? I thought she was dripping from the ceiling and writing on walls and shit in the story. Was all that just irrelevant warm up? Like “haha just kidding, but seriously there was this horrific murder.”

The murderer chanted "Toma soto balca" as he buried her.

Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl.  Couldn't have used some asterixes to blank it out and save us some trouble could you?

In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. I don't care I'll be asleep

She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. Well that's unfair, I didn't do it!

If you send this on, she will not bother you. Well she's bothered me already with this frankly threatening e-mail

Your kindness will be rewarded Oh yes! It had better be

Sadly the person who wrote this was attacked by the girl and as a result went

Mad, his madness caused him to leave

Big gaps halfway through sentences like a

Tit.