We have Magic FM on at work at the moment. We need something that can fade into the background and everyone can agree on so Magic FM, like most of commercial radio to be fair, fits the bill. You can be certain what you hear wont be too controversial because it's the same songs that were on at that time yesterday only with slightly different topical DJs comments in between. Today he said "its' the wettest January since 1870, if you can believe that." *looks out the window, remembers all the news has been banging on about since the Queen's, Pope's and Archbishop's Christmas messages* yeah I actually can believe that.
It's good background stuff though, the most modern and controversial they get is the soundtrack to Despicable Me 2. Now that is a good song. Gotta love Pharrell. Was anyone else slightly disappointed that Peter Capaldi's costume didn't include that hat?There are traffic and travel updates every 20 minutes as well, which is nice because you know the customers got home from the pub safe when you don't hear anything on the news.
The actual news is also a good in the pub because it gets an animated conversation started around the bar, usually one about paedophiles or flooding at the moment. Does anybody else wonder, if God sent the floods because of gay marriage what the heck's gonna happen when he finds out what Ken Barlow got up to? I'm building an ark from the blueprints they discovered, according to the news, just in case.
Yesterday they told us that: if you want to get a catchy song out of your head you should hum another song "like 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' or the national anthem" and that will get the first song out of your head.That was on the news. The actual news for the 31st January 2014 was that. The actual fucking news. I could have told them that. We were told "scientists have found that" as if that immediately makes it news! It wasn't some experiment, they just happened to notice it in the course of their day! They could equally have reported that "chef's have discovered that," of "antiques dealers have discovered" or "convicted housebreakers have discovered" we've all bloody discovered! Scientists are slow on this one. And even if we didn't know it already: STILL NOT NEWS! How greatly is the world being improved by that? The reason I've never had a great novel published isn't solely coz I've got an awful song stuck in my head and if it was replacing it with 'The Final Countdown' would not fix that!
We need to find something to replace the adverts too. In one ad break on Magic FM we went through adverts reminding you to write your will, an advert offering services to help you through a divorce (legal services, not a hooker) and an incredibly dodgey advert from the NSPCC called 'The Underwear Rule' which advises you on how to warn your kids about paedophiles. I'm sure when I was a kid, I was told "don't talk to strangers" and "don't accept sweets", although I ignored both rules, how do you make friends if you don't talk to strangers? And more importantly, sweets! If you say no to sweets, you're a fool! Worry about your weight when you're older. This new advert though has a mother asking her child what the underwear rule is and a kid tells his mother it's that "the parts of my body that are in my underwear are private" someone should have told prince Harry, "and if anyone tries to touch me there, I should tell you."
"Very good," says the mother.
"Can I have a prize for remembering? I want a giraffe," says the child.
If I got given a pet tiger whenever I got touched up, I'd be walking down the street shouting paedophile at everyone who passed. You can't offer a prize for having your junk handled by the bloke from Corrie in the park, kids will be asking people to fondle them.
There's also an RSPCA advert now advising parents not to give giraffes as a present in any circumstances.
Back to the music. They do these sections of '40 minutes of uninterrupted hits.' Apparently 'uninterrupted' by anything apart from adverts and DJs talking, but you never read the small print do you?
I say 'hits,' the other day they played another one of Rick Astley's songs. Yeah, you heard right, there's another Rick Astley song! It's called 'Givin' Up On Love,' does that mean in your famous song you were lying to us Rick? Suddenly the world seemed like a harsher, colder, less cheesy place.
So I guess you can't simultaneously hold her hand and buy her flowers, but you can still do one at a time can't you? Oh no, coz some idiot went and threw his other hand on a blade for her. You ever consider using a blade to cook for her? You are such a show off Bruno. Get the knife, chop some onions, make her a nice meal, she's yours. Don't go "hey, look what I can do. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Aren't I tough? Marry me."
Well at least you're still able to go on long romantic walks with her, well if you hadn't jumped in front of a train for her that time. It's not like in cartoons Bruno, you wont just fall off the front of the train at Kings Cross, you're gonna get fucked up and delay everyone's journey. It's one thing to do it out of depression, doing it to impress a girl who wants flowers and hand holding is frankly, selfish, stupid and not as effective as getting on a train and taking her for a day out.
Will you ever learn? Not now you've taken that bullet through the brain for her you wont. And again, who is shooting at your girlfriend Bruno? I think if assassins are after you that's really the kind of thing that you should bring up early on in a relationship. Given how callous she seems to be about using her dates as a human shield in these situations, I don't think you need to worry about whether holding her hand and buying her flowers would have saved the relationship, she sounds like a bitch.
"Coz my heart breaks a little when I hear your name, it all just sounds like uh, uh, uh."
"uh, uh, uh"? Have you forgotten her name Bruno? Not gonna lie, this is a terrible relationship you are both far better off out of it.
For balance, in case I've been too mean to Bruno Mars and coz we should end on a positive note, his video with Mr Spock is very very good. Goodbye internet.
If that's stuck in your head now, just think of 'The Final Countdown.'
