It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog so I figure I should, but I don’t really have anything to talk about. So er....lovely weather for the time of year innit?
Oh yeah, it’s summer. Not quite sure how it happened but it’s been summer this week. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s something to do with changing to British Summer Time last Sunday. Everyone changing their clocks forward an hour so that between 1 and 2am didn’t exist. This fucking around with time can only end badly. We’re not Timelords! We can’t just go altering time because we don’t want to go to work in the dark. I’ve seen Back To The Future what if people start fading away? Think of all the babies that should have been born during that hour who now wont be born! Think what if, during that hour, someone had come up with the solution to world peace, but we just deleted that whole hour. Think, most importantly, of the poor bastard who had a meeting at work at 9am and hadn’t got much sleep! Well, I couldn’t go to bed before 1am because – despite it happening once every six months – no one is ever quite sure if theirphone changes automatically and by the time I’d confirmed that it did, it was all ready 2am.
So it’s summer now and the park behind my house is full of people chilling and playing games, while I sit in my room writing blogs and cursing the eejit builder who put the bathroom window that overlooks the park in the actual bloody shower. There’s always the downstairs shower, but it’s impossible to stand up straight in that tiny room, last time I used it (because some work men were retiling and playing bloody Radio 2 in the good one) I wacked my head repeatedly on the ceiling and had to bend over meaning my arse was poking out of the shower curtain – in prisons I believe that’s known as a target.
Cheltenham: Twinned with Ibiza, Miami beach and Put-a-fucking-shirt-on-on-sea.
I do try and get out and about when I can though if it’s sunny. I go to the park and play football, well stand around by the side of the pitch while the bigger boys play football. I’m not a fan of exercise, I always like there to be odd numbers at a football game because it means I get to sit down. I just like sitting around in the sun to be honest. Most of the time I read a book or wait for any girls who came out (who all got picked for the football teams before me) to start playing Frisbee – I am so Will from the Inbetweeners it’s horrible.
It’s not all good though. The thing is the Sun is a bit like a guy who does really terrible farts all day even when it goes away its effects still linger. It’s night, there’s not even any sun, but yet I’m still getting an interrupted night of sleep and waking up all sticky – and not in the good way. It’s easy to warm yourself up in the winter, but it’s so hard to cool yourself down in the summer. There are rules about the minimum temperature at which you can work, but no maximum, that’s sick!
The people I feel most sorry for are the weather forecasters. These days what with climate change, the weather seems to go between the extremes of really cold winters and really hot summers with not much inbetween weather. As a result the weatherman kinda has his thunder stolen (pun intended, though I am still a bit ashamed) by the newsreader. A lot of the time the news these days is reporting that it is the hottest/coldest day since records began. Every damn year! Are you sure they’re not just mislaying all these records? Or using a magnifying glass as a paper weight? “The records are on fire!! Well at least we know it’s hot, someone tell the news.”
When Huw Edwards hands over to the weatherman, the weatherman must so badly want to say, “You bastard! You utter wanker! I wanted to report on the snow! Weather is my job! You don’t hear me banging on about Syria do you!?! Yeah, it’s snowing. What’s the point of me saying that now, after you’ve interviewed all the dickwads stuck at the airport! ‘Oh it’s terrible...one little bit of snow and the country grinds to a...it’s not like this at the north pole, they’re prepared for snow.’ You imbecile!! Of course they are, they’re bloody made of it!! ‘Oh no, it’s terrible, we’re stranded abroad!’ Yeah ON HOLIDAY, being stranded at the top of Everest or the north pole is fair enough...I’m just saying it doesn’t count as ‘stranded’ if there’s a pool, you know what I mean Huw? Anyway since Huw has already told you what the weather is like, here’s some pictures you sent in. That’s right we’re actually showing pictures you sent in! We’re calling this part of the news but it’s clearly little more than Springwatch and The One Show combined and condensed down to a minute and a half. Look here’s a car with some snow on it sent in by Ben in Harrogate, and here’s a field covered in snow, sent in by the same person who will send a picture of the same field with a vaguely seasonal bird in it come the spring. This photo of a lady lying in the snow was sent in by Lucy in South Hampton making a snow angel, and this photo of a lady lying in the snow was sent in by Detective constable Thomas Bramble who says if anybody saw anything it would be most helpful, she’s been dead for quite some time now. SEE! Don’t like it when I do the news do you Huw! So before you go showing any of those video reports in the summer where the camera man focuses on a lady in a bikini for as long as he can get away with it. I want to show those pictures! Anyway, in Scotland there will be terrible storms and so...Huw? Did you steal my thunder symbol? I’ll be back at around midnight with that special weather report where I tell you what the weather is like in Switzerland for a reason no one at the BBC is sure of. I think they just put it on to keep me at work longer than I need to be on pointless tasks.”
I imagine that’s the kind of thing they want to say, it’s all in the subtext of that awful forced laugh they do in response to the newsreaders banter. It’s thanks to an outburst like this that Carol from BBC breakfast was banned from the studio and now has to stand in the coldest or hottest place they can find.
By the way, here's a blog from about a year ago about British Summer Time: http://danvine.tumblr.com/post/3593755865/only-a-matter-of-time
