I Don't Like Transformers

I have been meaning to do a blog post about my thoughts and feelings on Brexit and the possibility of a second referendum for a long while now, but as it seems to be still such a divisive issue I've instead opted to tell you about a 2017 trip to the cinema...

You see my generic and fictional mate Dave got on the What'sApp group chat and posted "Does anyone want to go to the cinema tonight?" Gotta say I was well up for it. My equally generic mate Tom was up for it, Dick less so, Harry really hates the cinema, Tim not a fan but felt it was better than just lazing in front of the TV all night thinking about how his Polish girlfriend has left him, Doc up for it, Barry never text back. Terry meanwhile did not want to go to the cinema at all. So just about, most of us decided we'd go to the cinema.

Dave immediately left the What'sApp group and made Terry the admin.

Few minutes later Terry texts the group chat again. "Ok guys, I've got tickets to Transformers: The Last Knight at 6:30."

Woah woah woah! I know I was up for going to the cinema but now I have to see Transformers, that's fucking mental!

"You have to respect the will of the What's App Dan!"

Harry is fuming. He doesn't even like films and now he's got a ticket for fucking Transformers. Tim is fine with it. He says the film is shit but anything is better than that whore of a Polish girlfriend who dumped him. Barry's like "well if I knew it was Transformers I would have text back 'no' and then we wouldn't have gone" No one cares Barry, you had your chance! Tom's still up for it, but oddly Dick is coming around to it as he's heard Anthony Hopkins is in this one so it's got to be good right? (Spoiler: its really not)

Guys, settle down. This group chat is getting out of control. Terry! What the hell do you think you're doing? There's so many good films out at the moment, why did you pick Transformers?

In this very simple of circumstances you'd think deciding to go to the cinema is one question, but if people say yes, you should find a list of the films on and then ask what film people want to see.

And here's the thing...what Tom? Yeah I know the ticket prices are stupid and popcorn is a rip off...well we've got the tickets now because you said you wanted to come to the cinema. You knew the price of popcorn before you texted back 'yes' that information was readily available, there's no point in complaining about it now.

Ooh, new message from Tim: "If we're going to the cinema tonight, I guess we're not going to Mick and Larry's joint birthday party tonight." No chance. We don't mind Mick but we don't really like Larry tbh. "Oh, ok, it's just Tam, who is organising the party, says we still have to pay for our share of the cost of the stripper because at the time we agreed to all put money in, we hadn't decided to go to the cinema instead...is that unfair?"

"Look we're going to see Transformers: The Last Knight at 6:30 ok!" texts Terry.

That's really soon Terry, doesn't give us much time to get in and eat after work. Why did you just arbitrarily decide to get the earliest showing? Surely we should have decided on the film before you just randomly set a time to go.

"6:30 is fine, there's plenty of time. By the way, is everyone happy with me as Admin of this group? I think we should spend at least an hour deciding if you're all still happy with me as Admin."

Christ Terry we don't have time for this! You're wasting time that could be spent getting a refund and tickets to a better movie.

Turns out most of us don't want Terry to run the group but we now have to run for the bus because he's pissed about with his stupid popularity contest this whole time. "Ok guys," he texts, "I'm going to make Patrick an admin on the group too."

Not racist, homophobic Pat! He's racist and homophobic and only has like 2 friends!

"None the less, I need him to give me a lift to the cinema tonight, so he's a group admin. Also is there a money tree/cash point en route guys as I owe him £100 for petrol?"

I thought you were skint! Mate you should have just cut across that wheat field out the back of your house, you'd be at the cinema in minutes.

"Oh Dan, you're so naughty."

I have to say Terry, I really think we should have been told you were going to see Transformers when you asked about the cinema and let us choose the films.

Here's the thing Terry, if there's no good films out, it might have been better for us all to stay at home watching a repeat of Mock The Week thinking about Tim's ex-girlfriend.

"You have to respect the will of the What's App Dan, we wanted to go the cinema!"

Yeah, I do, and even if I didn't want to go to the cinema, I would say "hey it'll be a nice night out, I'll get behind it, if there's a half decent film on offer, but if it's Michael how-can-I-fuck-up-ninja-turtles Bay the cost is too damn high. None of us voted for Transformers. Deciding to go somewhere and deciding what you do when you get there are two different things Thers---Terry!" Asking a follow up question doesn't ignore the first question or insult the people who asked it, it just gets us closer to choosing a film that everyone is happy with. I don't understand how you've managed to make asking the What's App group "Is everyone happy with the film I've chosen?" sound like it would be an insult to the What's App group members.

It's not a best of three situation. We accept that going to the cinema is what most people want to do. But I really wish we could all have chosen a film together. Wonder Woman and Baby Driver were both out that week, and I just realised the first series of GLOW came out that week too, something I didn't know at the time Dave asked the original question because it turns out as time moves on we learn more things, so I really should have stayed in.

I should say in all of this Jerry was on my side, but since his argument seemed to basically be "Well, we let all of our granddad's in the group and it was them who chose to go to the cinema and not to be nasty but they'll probably be dead before the end of the trailers," I thought, wow Jerry is a real cunt and I don't want him on my side.

Has anyone seen Dave by the way?