Sweet Dreams

The title of this blog refers to the content contained within it, though coincidentally it also alludes to the effect it will have on you if you continue reading. Here are a few interesting interview questions I came across and my less interesting answers.

Dream Film Cast:

David Tennant plays a cop with a dark and ambiguous past. Leslie Neilsen plays his partner, a cop with an amusing past. Patrick Stewart is the wise old-guy who has seen it all. Chevy Chase plays Patrick Stewart's stoner brother. Karen Gillan plays Tennant's kooky love interest; while Leslie Neilsen's love interest is played by Mel Brooks dressed as the late Audrey Hepburn. Hugh Laurie appears in a double role as Tennant's American boss who regularly says "Damnit Tennant! You don't play by the book!" and Tennant's English butler who is basically George from Blackadder. Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin play a brooding vampire king and a sexy telepathic waitress but in a bit of stunt casting not the way round you'd expect. The villain of the film is Rik Mayall - the insane head of the New York mafia and his inexplicably hot wife Francine from American Dad. Their posh daughter is played by Mila Kunnis who tries to seduce both Tennant and Neilsen to compromise their operation, but finds her soul through the help of her kindly confused old Butler played by Ronnie Barker with a lisp that's more cute than funny. Johnny Depp has a cameo as a homeless man who makes the audience go "wait, was that....? Nah." While Kings of Leon cameo as themselves in a scene which proves they have a sense of humour but is regarded by critics and fans alike as the worst part of the film. Damien Molony out of off TV's Being Human plays a man with learning difficulties in a subplot that has no impact on the rest of the film but I think Damien Molony deserves some top acting award. The whole thing is narrated by Greg Proops who has smoked a ton of weed and just improv's around the plot.

Dream Rock Band:

On vocals and wordsmithery: Suggs from TV's Madness.

On Guitar and rock n roll anecdotes: Pete Townsend from The Who. With Dave Gilmore from Pink Floyd on weird guitar noises. Assuming he can stop fighting for one minute with the bassist.

On bass: Roger Waters out of Pink Floyd. It may become necessary to disguise both of these people in order to get them to work together without knowing it. Disguise Gilmore as Jed or Ward from Jedward and Waters as Greg Proops who has smoked a lot of weed and just improv's around the plot.

Drummer: Dave Grohl - coz he seems like a nice guy with a sense of humour and he can bang those things pretty loudly.

Song Writers: Alice Cooper, Suggs and Al Yankovic.

Backing and support of: The Horne Section - I just really love this band and their simple funny songs. Proper talented comedy musicians.

Triangle: Justin Beiber, because I feel he should learn a bit of humility.

Dream Lover:

Personalitywise I'm after a Doctor Who companion: Someone loyal, clever (but not as clever as me, or clever in ways I'm not), who tells me I'm brilliant, wants to travel with me, helps me find my human side before I commit another genocide and knows exactly the right questions to ask for me to explain the plot.

The sexy Scottishness of Karen Gillan would have been the obvious answer a few months ago, but new kid on the block Jenna-Louise Coleman is very sexy. Not Scottish though, so I'd be missing out on that beautiful accent. Let's just get Jenna and Karen to fight it out and the winner wins me!

Unless they're left hideously disfigured by the fight in which case I'm marrying Alison Brie and her amazing Disney-princess eyes. Fuck it, I'm just going to marry Alison Brie. Someone tell her this is happening so two beautiful and talented actresses don't end up hurting each other. She's gotta agree to that, she seems so lovely. Then again Katy Perry does love her funny Brit's doesn't she...no Alison Brie it is.

Dream Project:

Anything involving writing comedy I would love to do. If I had the power I would love to be involved in creating and writing for the British version of the Daily Show, which is an American satire show and one of the ways in which their comedy is currently better than ours. A hit sitcom of my own would be nice or any cutting/gluing/colouring-in project would be great, I haven't had one of those since school and I bloody loved them. Always thought about doing a podcast too, I could talk at my laptop for ages about shit and two of my friends could pretend to listen and tell me they liked it and I'd feel special. An Edinburgh show too.

Dream Alternative Career:

Well, I don't really have a career at the moment. I'm a writer to pay the bills while I wait for inspiration for my next big waiting job. Ideally, a writer of comedy. As a child I wanted to be a window cleaner for a bit, but I think that dream is now dead. There was once a window cleaner when I was five who seemed happy and I thought he must have had a good life. But when I was six I saw Canary Wharf and thought fuck that shit. Scared me off far too young. Since then it's been comedy writer all the way. I'm kinda singularly focussed in career terms actually. That might encourage some people to chase that option vigorously but...seems like harder work than pint pouring doesn't it?

Dream Holiday:

 

Been on it all ready. It's the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. If they could transport that to somewhere where the weather is less fucked in August it'd be spot on. I could quite happily spend the whole month there and would love to bankrupt myself achieving that dream one day, seeing show after show for a whole month. Plus late night drinking in a city where all the girls sound like Karen Gillan! What's not too like? Plus I've bumped into all my favourite people in bars in Edinburgh: Paul Merton, Suggs, Marcus Brigstocke, Thom Debaere, Ben Goldsmith and Simon Amstell.

Dream Home:

That place the old Pope's moved into looks pretty sweet doesn't it? Big old mansions and stately homes on a modest budget are what I'm after, what have you got?

Actually, there's a house between Welwyn North and Welwyn Garden City station and you can see the huge garden from the viaduct. The river runs through both their back and front garden. There are bridges and a little island and all sorts. Nosey people like me would look down on me and Alison Brie sunbathing though so maybe not. Nile's apartment in Frasier is beautifully pretentious. But then if I feel uncomfortable about people looking down on us from the passing trains the studio audience might be a drag. What I want is big house or swanky flat, a reasonable walk from Tesco, a pub, CEX, Costa, a theatre, and one of those adult soft play areas with the big ball pits that grown-ups can go in. If it's in the Mediterranean too that would be a bonus.

Dream Cuisine:

Indian.

Move on, nothing to debate here.

Dream Day Out:

Stay in bed most of the morning. I find the notion of being awake before Channel 4 has finished it's early morning Frasier repeats detestable. In fact since the introduction of 4+1 I sleep a lot more each day. If I am up watch Frasier.

Meet my friends at Joes Cafe in Cheltenham for a massive Belly Buster breakfast. Eat and read the papers there, everyone laughs at my satirical remarks about the headlines (hey, it's my fantasy, doesn't have to be credible).

Breakfast done, head to the shops for a spot of elevenses: crisps, chocolate, a big bottle of Vimto each.

Then helicopter ride to London. The pilot lets me sit in the co-pilot's seat and fly for a bit, until I angrily chase a pigeon for five minutes and nearly crash, then he turns my controls off but doesn't tell me so I still think I'm flying it.

1PM: Lunch at either the Ritz or the pasty shop at Kings Cross. We'll do a vote on the day, but know that I'd personally prefer Kings Cross.

1:30: Go to Golden Nugget Casino in Leicester Square. Win a fortune on Punto Banco so we can afford the rest of the day's activity. Celebrate by throwing chips up into the air and have them falling around us in slow motion like I've seen them do in films. Have cocktails brought to the table on a little tray so people think we must be someone important. Like the young people who do T4 or wanker bankers or something.

Hit up Oxford Street, all the boys go to HMV and buy awesome box-sets with our Punto Banco winnings, and buy some of that delicious vodka I got from Selfridges once. Get thrown out for complaining aggressively that they don't sell fridges. If they do, complain more forcefully. Then head straight to the pub. The girls can go clothes shopping in all the swanky London fashion stores, Primark, PDSA that sort of place - to be honest I don't know much about fashion, they can go where they like so long as it buys us more time in the pub.

Meet up with the girls again. Have a few more drinks.

Visit a museum or art gallery containing works of outstanding beauty. Enjoy the total silence as people weep at the sheer majesty of the exhibits. Shout 'bollocks' loudly and leave.

Punch Piers Morgan in the face and walk away. As he clutches his face in pain, return and punch him in the scrotum. We all do this, we form a queue.

Go to Fortnum and Masons and buy something needlessly extravagant. An expensive coat each or something. Our casino win covers it all. Spend about £60 on posh Fortnum chocolates and scoff them all on the way to the Soho Theatre to see an afternoon show or two if we can squeeze them in, which we can because it's my dream.

Evening drawers near. Time for a curry and some pints. Then it's off to the Comedy Store for a show: Paul Merton, Stewart Lee, David Mitchell, Stephen Fry, and the recently revived Morecambe and Wise perform.

Book into a hotel for the night and get thrown out four minutes later for throwing the TV out the window because I've always wanted to do that. It's one of the big old fashioned TVs too, not a flat one.

Climb to the top of the Shard, discarding clothes on the way up till we just have swimming costumes on, because from the top of the Shard there is a slide like the one in the Barclay’s advert that twists and turns all round London and lands us in Buckingham Palace. Get ready to go out. Boys whack out an episode on one of our box sets and crack open the drinks. Girls continue getting ready. Pre-drinks in the Queen's drawing room with our luxury Selfridge’s vodka. Ring Of Fire, Polish Poker, and Gravy Train (TM) get us all nicely wasted.

Head out to a cocktail bar. Find £20 on the floor, we don't need it because of our Punto Banco millions but it's always nice to find one.

Cocktails and drunken antics. Hop between roofs to get to the clubs. End up in the biggest club in the world with a VIP pass and free drinks. Most of us end up in the room playing cheesy music, but whenever we leave the room we come back with an amazing tale of what happened to us or who we bumped into in another room. At one point we get the whole room to do the wanking-off-the-elephant dance in perfect time.

At the end of the night, we leave the club and the wind blows our expensive Fortnum and Mason's coats dramatically, as the club explodes behind us. None of us flinch. Luke captures the moment perfectly on his camera and it looks like a movie poster. We all get given big canvass copies of it for our walls and use it as our cover photos on Facebook.

We jump on a roller coaster like in the other Barclays advert (this day is in no way sponsored by Barclays, though their money would be gladly accepted to make it come true) and it takes us to Turkish Delight in Cheltenham for kebabs.

Leaving Turkish we bump into the cast of Community and I propose to Alison Brie. Everything fades to black before she answers, because who doesn't love an ambiguous ending?

The whole day is narrated by a very high Greg Proops.

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DW50: 1963-1966: William Hartnell's Era.

"It all started off as a mild curiosity in a junk yard, but it's turned out to be quite a great spirit of adventure."

People often ponder whether The Doctor could be played by a woman, with responses ranging from the perfectly reasonable “I worry that the dynamic and character at the heart of the series would be changed too much by that,” to the eminently stupid “No. No. That would be the worst thing ever! I’m never watching again. Bring back David Tennant!” I believe the Doctor cannot be played by a woman for one simple reason: As of November the Doctor will be 50 years old so if he was a woman the BBC would definitely fire him. (Actually he’s closer to 1,250 years old, but hey, I’d lie about my age to snog Karen and Jenna too.) I have a blog, and have seen an episode of Doctor Who so I am forced by the laws of the internet to do a look back at those last 50 years.

Doctor Who started, late, in 1963. President John F. Kennedy, whose cruel parents named him after the airport he was conceived in, was killed the day before, appropriately enough by his future self (for evidence, see the first episode of Red Dwarf series 7 and tell me of a more convincing conspiracy theory), and so the news over ran. So Doctor Who had a presidential assassination to follow, which is a tough gig, but almost 50 years later I would have to watch the end of every episode of Don’t Scare The Hare which is infinitely more distressing than repeated footage of a man being shot in the head and I still enjoyed Doctor Who afterwards. (If you don’t remember Don’t Scare The Hare you are one of the lucky ones. It was a quiz show where contestants must avoid scaring a giant robotic hare…Anticipating your next question: I don’t know. Nobody does.)

So slightly later than scheduled some black and white weirdness and some strange noises heralded the arrival of a new TV sensation. The original Doctor Who theme tune is the most effectively strange and alien sound the show has produced. Unlike todays, overcrowded theme tune with so much noise going on, it’s quiet, simple, and electronic in a way that gives it an eerily unnatural tone. This is a horrible cliché in the world of Doctor Who blogging, but it’s never really been as good as the original. It’s just plain weird, as all of the sixties seem to people my age. When it was mentioned in the news that some of Doctor Who was dreamed up on LSD, I found it very hard to believe nobody had mentioned that before. Many of the special effects team seemed to be on LSD in the 1960s with glorious results, while in the 1980s much of the costume department also seemed to be on LSD with…results. Let’s just leave it at that. Even the images – strange swirls like clouds flying past (you know what I’m just gonna put a link to a YouTube video in this) – are a bit like something I imagine you might see on acid. The basicness of it helps it feel more alien. In some ways it’s not as exciting as the brightly coloured time-tunnel with the names of actors whooshing through it of the Russell T Davies era, or the asteroids flying at you left right and centre in the Paul McGann movie, or the EVERYTHING happening that Moffat debuted at Christmas. But it is exciting. It’s exciting because it’s creepy, it’s even a little bit unsettling. Simple and yet strange, not just a possible title for my autobiography, also something Doctor Who does very well.

But to the first episode itself: An Unearthly Child. Also called 100,000 B.C. by people who are wrong. Ok, I know there’s a lot of debate who-fans, but if it says An Unearthly Child on the DVD box, then that’s what it’s called. Sorted. Debate over. Simple. So, right, it’s a new sci-fi show. It’s Doctor Who, what are we expecting? Well in 1963 we were at least expecting a doctor who we would certainly be curious about. And it delivered on that promise with a character played by William Hartnell. Hartnell was 55 years old when he first started playing the Doctor, but to look at him you would think he was in his sixties at least. That’s partly down to his wonderful acting and partly, latterly, down to his illness and fumbling of lines (more on those later). If William Hartnell had been any other Doctor than number 1, his performance would have been the most ground-breaking and felt the most different of any Doctor. It’s William Hartnell’s performance that makes me understand why the writers thought to experiment with making Colin Baker’s Doctor unlikeable – I’ll cover that in blog 6, don’t you worry.

Basically The Doctor, in his first incarnation, is the anti-hero more than the hero. He has three companions in this first series. His second and third companions Ian and Barbara are both schoolteachers at the school where his first companion, his granddaughter Susan, is being taught having been exiled from their home world, Gallifrey, for reasons yet to be made clear. Ian and Barbara become companions, because the Doctor kidnaps them. They come looking for Susan, who they have concerns about, and stumble into the TARDIS and the Doctor decides he can’t let them go and tell the world about aliens and time-machines and so whisks them off to 100,000 BC. Later in the story, when they’re forced to run away, Ian and Barbara stop to save a wounded caveman so The Doctor picks up a stone with the intention of hitting the caveman about the bonce, killing him and leaving them free to run away. And he would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for Ian stopping him. What a prick! It’s hard to imagine any other Doctor being that callous. I can’t see Matt Smith doing it, or David Tennant doing it without an episode of crying, self-reflection, guilt and self-loathing following it until he does something stupid and realises he goes too far sometimes. Still by episodes 12 and 13, the companions would be threatening to stab each other with scissors and The Doctor who be putting drugs in their tea – it was a very different world back then. Ian is the hero of the series and The Doctor is played as, if not a bad guy, certainly a ruthless one. Watching those early episodes as a fan, it’s hard to make sense of some of the Doctor’s actions. He’s clearly the brains of the operation but he’s just a bit of a knob too. He’s rude. He deliberately gets Ian’s name wrong like he would later do with Mickey. In his own words nine bodies later “I was trying to be old and grumpy and important, like you do when you’re young.” I like to think that these are the Doctor’s first adventures, the ones that turn him into a hero. Sure, the reason he stole the TARDIS might have been pretty brave and heroic and it says that he’s visited places before 1960s Earth, but these could be the first times he’s got involved. Actually, quite a few of the first Doctor’s adventures deal with him not helping to save the world, just getting caught up in some story. Actually a lot of first Doctor adventures are basically about saving himself and his companions and having a bit of fun with history along the way. And there is real character development in this incarnation of the Doctor, by the time he comes to regenerate he’s a very different man. He transforms over the years from cantankerous old sod to Grandfatherly nice-guy who gets a bit confused as often as he gets cross.

So that’s the Doctor, his key character traits are being cross, making odd “mmmhmmm” noises and getting Ian’s name wrong to annoy him. Chesterfield, being my favourite example. But what else would we expect from the first episode of a new sci-fi show. Well, it was billed as an adventure in all of time and space, so I guess we’d be expecting an adventure in time and space. WRONG! Ok, not that unusual in Doctor Who aliens often invade present day Earth. WRONG! Aside from The Doctor and Susan, there are no aliens in Doctor Who until episode 5 which to its credit gives us three! One is an unconvincing fossilised robot, one we only see a hand of and the third we only see a skink plunger of, but 5 episodes in and the aliens start turning up, not a bad pace. Downton is on its third season now, and I haven’t seen so much as a funny light in the sky yet. In fact, episode 1 features no characters apart from The Doctor and his four companions (I should say for the benefit on NEW-Who fans, that in those days episodes were 20minutes long and most stories were 4-6 parters, but the length varied.) and a few extras (a whistling policeman and some jeering students). The whole thing is only two scenes and a handful of brief flashbacks: One of Ian and Barbara looking for Susan in a junkyard and finding a police box, a detail that turns out to be surprisingly relevant when they go inside the police box and discover – you’ll never guess what – it’s bigger on the inside. The second half of the episode revolves around the Doctor deciding what to do with these intruders, in the end he takes them back in time and they spend episodes 2-4 being kidnapped by, threatened by, worshipped by and running away from cavemen, though not necessarily in that order. It’s one of a type of adventure the show hasn’t done since the 60s (except Black Orchid) a purely historical story where The Doctor gets involved in historical events. The Romans being another good example in which Ian and Barbara are sold into slavery and the Doctor is mistaken for a musician and forced to perform at Nero’s court which he promptly accidentally burns down. It’s pure farce, but a lot of fun. Or The Gunfighters where the Doctor needs a dentist and so visits the Wild West (tbf, it’s probably the closest to my house you’d find an NHS dentist these days) where his dentist turns out to be a gunslinger leading the Doctor and co to the gunfight at the OK Corral via a tortuous musical number. This is a direct result of somebody boring deciding that the show had to be educational and not just a load of bug-eyed monsters. Luckily Terry Nation ignored that man and having escaped the cavemen The Doctor finds himself in a seven parter battling The Daleks who would return in the second series and launch the Dalekmania craze.

By the way, what the first five episodes lack in aliens they more than make up for in episode titles:
1) An Unearthly Child
2) The Cave Of Skulls (as creepy as it sounds. Good props guys in those days…gave their lives so their skulls could decorate this set)
3) The Forest Of Fear
4) The Firemaker
All of which, I hope make you realise that purely historical episodes could be bloody exciting too. Episode 5 is called The Dead Planet by the way.

Ok, so the pacing and effects were maybe not the same as today, (it’s hard to see Steven Moffat turning Asylum Of The Daleks into a 12-part story like Daleks’ Master Plan though I could well imagine him sticking in a Christmas special that makes no sense halfway through.) but the excellent Babelcolour on YouTube was set a challenge to make a dramatic exciting trailer for the first Doctor like he had with the more action-packed seventh Doctor’s era. Here’s the result, I think it proves that Doctor Who has always been pretty darn exhilarating:

Time was called for the first Doctor in 1966. Hartnell’s health was deteriorating (he had arteriosclerosis and struggled to learn his lines) and so at the end of the second story of the fourth series, The Tenth Planet, the first doctor became the second doctor. You make sense of that last sentence, I’m busy! At the end of the episode he collapsed in the TARDIS saying that “This old body of mine’s wearing a bit thin,” not the most heroic death. David Tennant’s guess at his last line: “Oh I’m a bit knackered” on Celebrity Mastermind is not far off.

Doctor Who began with some of its most innovative and inventive stories. Purely historical stories mixed with sci-fi adventures. It was all a great adventure back in those days, but there were emotional bits too. I’ll mention one in a minute. Companions left the Doctor; by the end of series 2 none of his original companions were left. It introduced the Daleks and the Cybermen and made both very credible and terrifying villains on a 60s budget and used it’s multi-part stories to tell complex tales, up to 12 parts long. But then the Doc was feeling old and tired and so the torch had to be passed on.

Hartnellisms – The Best of the Outtakes That Didn’t Get Taken Out

The Doctor speculates that maybe the pills left outside the TARDIS were “Anti-radiation gloves…drugs.” Though to be fair, he had taken a massive dose of radiation poisoning in a Dalek prison at the time, you try and remember your lines under that stress. That would be an “impossibissibility”

“I’m not a mountain goat and I prefer walking to any day…I hate climbing.”

“If you had your shoes on boy you could have lent her hers.”

If this all seems a bit terrible, he’s sorry but “I can’t improve at this very moment…..I can’t prove at this moment…”

“The Daleks will stop at anything to prevent us!” Very reasonable of them.

And my favourite: “You’ll end up a couple of burnt cinders flying around in Spain!....in space!"

First Doctor: Episodes to Watch

1. An Unearthly Child – The first ever episode, introduces the Doctor and the world of Doctor Who in a clever and brave way. Four characters, one central mystery: Doctor Who? A question that still hasn’t been answered. And a purely historical tale with cavemen and a terrifying prison full of skulls. Brave and exciting stuff.

2.       The Time Meddler – The Conclusion to series 2, and the first time we meet another Timelord with a TARDIS of his own. This Timelord though has intentions that aren’t quite as honourable as the Doctors. Called The Meddling Monk he’s interfering with history in 1066 for his own profit. Big Finish recently bought him back alongside the eighth Doctor, but I can’t help but feel he’s one of the great underused characters in Doctor Who. Basically he’s just a trouble maker. This episode also has some of the best funny lines in the first Doctor’s era, including:
Doctor: “A Viking helmet.”
Steven: “Could be.”
Doctor: “What do you think it is? A space helmet for a cow?”
And the Doctor explaining the TARDIS to his new companion:

3.       The Dalek Invasion Of Earth – If you only watch one first Doctor episode make it this one. Easily the best. It’s the second appearance of the Daleks and (spoiler warning) the first time a companion leaves the show. The tale of the Daleks enslaving mankind and attempting to turn Earth into a giant spaceship is gripping if a mental plan on the Daleks part. The scenes of a deserted London as Daleks glide across Tower Bridge and the Royal Albert Hall among other London landmarks are genuinely eerie, and the story has an epic scale with The Doctor and co fighting the Daleks all over southern England.
But the subplot that has Susan fall in love with resistance fighter David and ultimately leave the Doctor is also expertly done and woven subtly around the main plot, leading to the most-remembered and emotional moment in the first Doctor’s era where he locks Susan out of the TARDIS at the end of the story, so she won’t have to choose between him and David. The Doctor’s speech disproves the theory some have that emotional exits are something unique to modern-Who.

One to avoid

The Edge Of Destruction

Not a terrible story, though it is pretty weak, but certainly not one I’d suggest you watch as your first encounter with Doctor #1. It’s a pretty radical story, for budgetary reasons. Again it features only the four main characters and is set entirely within the TARDIS. The good points of the story are that we learn a lot about the characters and their feelings towards one another. We also get our first hints that the TARDIS is much more than simply a machine. As something gets into the heads of the characters and turns them against each other. This is the one I mentioned earlier where The Doctor drugs everyone else and where Susan threatens to stab Barbara with some scissors. It’s a creepy episode, a lot of it is shot in darkness, however you never quite feel like it’s not all taking place on a cheap set in the studio – obviously not their fault, and they did their best. And at two parts it is maybe a bit long for four people on one set. After much paranoia and suspicion about the nature of the threat it turns out that SPOILER ALERT: a button on the console got stuck. That’s it. That’s what all this bitterness between the companions was about. Not really good enough. Let’s down all the clever ideas and risk-taking this episode did.

Watery Fowls

I often complain about the Daily Mail attacking the BBC. Normally it’s because they're accusing some comedy that dared to make a joke about the queen, the church, the Tories or Adele of being immoral. How dare Jack Whitehall imply the Queen has anal sex? they rant, picking on the weak and vulnerable multi-millionaire monarch who has no way to answer back. It seems from their reports that they don’t like Jack Whitehall’s privileged and wealthy upbringing and lifestyle, they prefer the Queen’s one.

I find a lot of what they complain about to be very tame and comedy should be offensive sometimes, pushing boundaries and dealing with sensitive issues. The BBC3 comedy Way To Go about three friends who build a suicide machine and start an assisted suicide business is actually very funny, quite touching and a surprisingly traditional sitcom given it’s subject matter. Don’t get me wrong, there should be limits and sensitivity in the way comedy tackles ‘dangerous’ topics, for example, I enjoyed 8 Out Of 10 Cats and Have I Got News For You’s mockery of Jimmy Saville (and I’m sure I would have enjoyed Mock The Week’s too, had they had the balls not to edit it all out), certainly he needed taking down a peg or two following the whole Paedoing thing, but I’m not sure Cbeebies was the best place to show a parody of a paedo. If there’s anything more creepy than Jimmy Saville, it would be a Tweenie dressed as him. That, or the giggling sun baby and submarine periscopes that watch over the Tellytubbies, I seriously didn’t like those things. The fact that almost everything in the Tellytubby world sounds like it’s been named after a sexual organ doesn’t help (Tinkie Winkie, Lala, Noo-noo).

I’m not unbiased in this. I love comedy and I love comedy that’s controversial, and the Daily Mail’s position is possibly more popular with mainstream television viewers. Their opinions on TV comedy might seem old-fashioned and safe, but perhaps that’s was people want. So let’s take something that offends them this week and see if we can’t come to see it from their point of view.

Don’t worry, I’m obviously not going to do that. I’m just setting them up for a fall.

So what old-fashioned value is the Mail justly defending this week. Please tell me Buster Baxter from Hey Arthur! hasn’t been dressing up as Roul Moat. Here’s what’s getting on their festering, foot-and-mouth ridden goat this week: “It is the episode of Fawlty Towers best remembered for the line ‘Don’t mention the war’ and John Cleese’s silly walk when impersonating Hitler. The references have proved controversial before, but when The Germans, was repeated on BBC2 on Sunday evening it wasn’t our European neighbours that the corporation was worried about offending. Instead, the episode was edited to omit racist language.” How sad to see the so-called British Broadcasting Corporation running old-fashioned racism into the ground.

The scene in question involved the major (one of sitcoms best supporting characters) talking to Basil about his wife, in which he ends up rambling on about a woman he used to know who he took to see India. “India?” “At the oval.” A section of the scene in question is available to watch on YouTube and it’s very funny. The line that the BBC edited out when it aired the episode at 7:30 on Sunday was: “And the strange thing was that throughout the morning, she kept referring to the Indians as niggers. ‘No no no no no,’ I said. ‘Niggers are the West Indians, these people are wogs.’” A number of complaints have been sent to the BBC about this brutal edit. Possibly many of them not whipped up by the Daily Mail but most of them probably by readers of the Mail. You can tell by how many times they use the phrase Political Correctness.

That’s what this is all about, the BBC giving into political correctness. It has nothing to do, so far as the Mail can see, with broadcasting offensive language before the watershed. The scene isn’t actually offensive or racist. The joke is about the rambling story of a senile old man with some bigoted views. The n-word/w-bombs line is about the stupidity of racism. The Germans as a whole, if you want to analyze it and take all the fun out of a program made just to brighten your dreary Sunday night, is all about showing up silly outdated views. In the same scene the major declares he hates Germans, but loves women, and Polly even calls him out: “What about German women?” “Good card players” but the major “wouldn’t give them the time of day.” There are also sexist remarks made during the same scene that do the same.

So it’s not that the scene is racist and the Mail isn’t saying that it is, just that it shouldn’t have been edited. It’s a good bet that their main gripe is that they’d already paid the lad who does the columns to write about how awful it is that the BBC said Niggers at an hour when children would be watching and they had to scrap that entire piece. I haven’t seen that word said in a BBC comedy for a few years, but you can bet if it was the Mail would insist that it be deported. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using the word in that context. Blazing Saddles, in making it’s anti-racism point, drops more n-bombs than president Obama’s drones drop actual bombs. I think it’s fine to use that kind of language sensibly, well and in the right context, I’m just not sure that right context is Sunday night just after Countryfile when there might be kids watching. If anybody is still watching after Countryfile that is. I think the reason the BBC would choose to cut the offending words has more to do with when it was shown and who could be watching than it has to do with offence it could cause. Sex scenes are very rarely offensive, unless you know the really good websites, but on TV they’re mostly used to show love between two characters and it’s all lovely and that and you see a bit of booby, but I don’t think we should put them on after Songs Of Praise (actually…I probably do). I didn’t watch the repeat in question, but I’d be interested to know if they also edited out the b-bomb “Forgive and forget major. God knows how - the bastards,” because that might help prove this theory of mine.

So now the BBC is facing a letter writing campaign urging them to air racist insults. One complainer wrote to say that they “doubt anyone but the terminally thin skinned could be offended by the major.” Surprisingly though, I always thought the terminally thin-skinned was a category the Mail fell into. Anyone who thinks #Susanalbumparty is disgusting enough to warrant complaints to Ofcom would probably be offended by the word Fiddlest**ks. Another chipped in to defend the fictional major’s comments saying “We are all grown up you know,” well no, we’re not. Actually a considerable number of us are children (that’s the way our species works), at 7:30 on a Sunday night they may be putting off their homework for Monday morning by watching TV and they’re very creative when it comes to swearing by themselves without the need for us to be exposing them to any more of it. To be honest, I respect the BBC’s decision on this is all. I would probably defend a decision to include the offending remarks too on the grounds that really it doesn’t matter and the Mail should be finding bigger things to complain about. (Isn’t there a referendum on Europe coming up? Can’t you dig up some one-sided half stories to help voters decide which way to vote no?) As I say I would defend the inclusion of the major’s potty mouthed rant, but another of the complaints addressed to the BBC reads “Let’s face it, the whole episode, and most of Fawlty Towers is racist by today’s standards and misogynistic.” Well, no. That’s one of those times when someone joins the argument on your side and you just walk away from it because your side now looks like a joke. “Oh it’s all racist, get over it,” is not a defense and it’s blatantly untrue. Hypocritical of me though it is to suggest you should think your argument through and not just voice the first rant to come to mind, that is what I’m saying to that unnamed viewer.

Richard Littlejohn, a computer designed by the Daily Mail into which any fact can be fed and the “Richard Littlejohn 1.0” will link it to the phrase “It’s political correctness gone mad,” has terribly written a terrible piece of mock script on what Fawlty Towers might be like if it was made today in the oh-so-politically-correct climate that his paper tries to force Jack Whitehall and co. to conform to. (I think if it’s old rude comedy it’s fine, but anything post 1980, the Mail don’t really get. Someone tried to explain The Young Ones to them, but they just didn’t know why Vyvian would fly through the wall on a giant wrecking ball or how that got there.) Here are some choice low-lights from his article.

“Major: Papers arrived yet Fawlty?”
Fawlty: Absolutely Major. Ever since that wonderful Indian family took over the newsagents they’re on the doorstep at 5am prompt.”

I’m not sure if we’ve been told to say that because of PC, or if it’s just true.

“Major: I took her to see India.
Fawlty: At the oval?
Major: No, India. Wonderful country, charming people. Industrious, honest as the day is long, marvelous cooks. More billionaires than you can shake a stick at. Got their own space program too.”

Again, that seems from the documentaries I’ve seen and the always-wanted-to-go-there rubbish in my head to be, broadly speaking, true. Also I’m not sure the “forces” of political correctness would care about “at the oval” being a punch line or reassigning it to another character.

“Fawlty: A few Indian billionaires might raise the tone of this place, not like the usual riff-raff we get in here.
Major: Riff-raff?
Fawlty: Torbay Conservative Association, Women’s institute, Countryside Alliance.”

I don’t think anybody is calling the WI riff-raff (and I’ve been a waiter at their Christmas parties, loads of drunk old ladies undressing me with their eyes and then holding a raffle!). As for the other two, the Countryside Alliance website seems like they’re mostly concerned with feeding living things to packs of dogs to tear apart and shooting at other things while Torbay Conservative Association are probably just cunts, who should holiday somewhere further afield than Torquay. Think I might get a week in Hatfield this year.

“Fawlty: Complained about the view from her room.
Major: The view?
Fawlty: What do you expect to see from a Torquay hotel window: Sydney Opera House? The Hanging Gardens Of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically?”

Well there you’ve just copied out an actual Fawlty Towers quote to get a laugh. You can’t do that. Unless it’s like when I did it just then.

“Sybil: Why are all those caravans cluttering up the car park, Basil?
Fawlty: I’m glad you asked that, dear. I’ve agreed that the travelling community can use the car park until they find an alternative to dale farm.”

That’s not stupid coz PC is stupid, it just makes no business sense for a hotel manager.

Basically to spoil it all for you, it turns out the hotel is open to all guests regardless of race, class or sexuality. Some choice phrases include: “Why didn’t you use those nice Polish builders?” (instead of O’Reily. Apparently Irish immigrants are better than Polish on the Mail scale of panic).
“Major: Don’t tell me you’re lifting the ban on ladies wearing trousers?

Fawlty: No, I’m lifting the ban on men wearing dresses…Fawlty Towers is becoming Torquay’s first Trans-friendly hotel.”

A common theme you might notice is words like friendly or nice or being nice to people come up a lot. I agree this makes for terrible comedy, but as a case against political correctness, it actually makes it sound quite nice.

So to sum up: Keep the bad words in, or cut them out. Either way the Mail would have complained. Either way it wouldn’t have mattered much. But just to piss them off, lets respond by putting a lot more foul language in pre-watershed comedy. That’s the keynote point of the whole argument.

Halloween Special

Before we start, I must tell you now not to read this blog. I don't want to come across all Marge Simpson at the start of a Treehouse of Horror episode of the simpsons where she comes out at the start and goes "this is going to be really scary," obviously it's going to be scary, it's a halloween special, and they have to put that there for the kids, even tho as kids we loved the scary episodes even more and as grown ups we all think the simpsons isn't really a kids program anyway. BUT NO! I'm serious. I've never been more serious about anything in my life (apart from a comment I left on a website that gave Asylum of the Daleks a bad review.). The story that I will impart to you over the coming blog is very very very scary indeed. and it's all the more scary because it's all true! Yes, look, I am well aware that all halloween and ghost stories start like that but...Id say read the evidence for yourself, but you don...--

let me put it like this:

A girl called Hannah read this blog, she assumed it was some sort of joke or amusing parody of a ghost story. 3 days later she was dead. An incident with a flat burning bought about by ghostly interference.

A guy called Alex read this blog. He found the whole thing laughable. He wasn't laughing 24 hours later when he was dead.
Nobody can laugh when they're dead and I haven't made that up to scare you on halloween, science has proven it.

The scientist I asked to look over this thought it seemed highly scientificly impossible and said anybody who believed it was a complete numbnuts (his words not mine). Well he didn't look so clever when EXACTLY 24 hours later (give or take an hour) he stood on a plug....

BAREFOOT.

Arthur read this blog, he ignored it's message proclaiming "well I'll believe it when I see it." He certainly saw it when 24 hours later he was blinded.

Malcolm went to look into how his friend Jon had died and stumbled across this blog. "It can't really be cursed" thought he, but he wasn't thinking that 24 hours later when the newsagents had sold out of the paper he usually bought...

So do stop reading now, for the tale I am about to impart is not for the faint hearted and you ignore it at your cost.

*********************
********************

It was halloween and it is thundering outside. Dan, a boy, was at home on his own and is sat at his computer and is trying to write a blog.

it's night.

he cant think of whatt to write about, when suddenly and slowly he thinks about
those old chain-letters that you see some  times on the interweb and that used to pop up on My

Space from time to time. He always enjoyd parodying them back in the day/ Maybee Dan would look
for 1 of them to mock the grama of now, he thought.

Suddenly a chat window appeared on his screen.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.

This was most odd thought Dan, four he did not know anybody with that many x's in her name.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Want to no some thing fun!

She asked and/or exclaimed. Must bee 1 of those porno pop-ups about girls looking for sex in his area now. Dan herd these contained viruses so didn't click on them, on the basis that if there in the area hed run in2 them in Tecsos sooner or later.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I have no eyes.
Boy: How ironic is the mad spelling of your name then?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Huh!
Boy: Grammar joke! dw.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: wear was i?
Boy: "No eyes."
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: O i get it now. no i didn't mean that...I me....
Boy: Obvz. bad tayst jk sozzy. start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Se...o i see wat ur doin. fukk yu this is imprtnt.
Boy: Sorry.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I hav no eyes & i am dead.

Dan was begginning to doubt her nickname (SeXi) but beggening to understand her nickname for him (sexy).

Boy: Oh right, soz abt that.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: do u wnt 2 kno how i died.
Boy: ideally not.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well...its a long story
Boy: in that case ***8**dan closed the window****

he leanned backk in his chair and returned to thinking about his blogs. wuld he rite a parody of one of thse chain letters? or not? wuld peepl still get them? he hopped they wud. those things were lyk super scary. mayb he wouldn't. just then a conversation window popped up.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: yu cant silence me lyk that.
Boy: Aaaaaaaahhhh! (too make it clear, he said that rather than typed it) **he fell off his chair in horror** (again, he did it, not typed it).
Boy: **falls off chair in horror** he typed byway of explanasion

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx then patiently explained that you must signout of chat rather than just closing the window.
Boy: Oh fanx. ***he signed out of chat and closed the window**
Just then their was a knock at the door. Boy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! (see above) ***he fell of his chair***
Boy: I really need to fukking fix that bak weel.
There was the same loud knock at the door. he went down the stairs and opened the door and Saw a young girl standing there, he didn't recognize.

"YOU IGNORED ME ON THE INTERNET AND NOW IM GOING TO FUKKING

RAPE YOU YOU MOTHER FUKKER!" she exclaimed by way of introduckshion.
"What? But you mean that your..."
"yes..." she explained herself.
Lamenating the loss of innocence in childrens fancy dress costumes these days, dan handed over some sweets. "I fink all the smarties are gone," he apologised. "if yu want a tip stick to the usual 'trick or treat' opening line from now on."
"I THOUGHT THE RAPE LINE WAS PUNCHIER!"
"nO. pEOPLE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE BY THE TRACKSUIT, THE MEDALLION AND THE SACK OF CHILDRENS LETTERS FROM THE 70s" said Dan wisely.
Thanks Mr. said the sweet stealing girl (to clairify: she was stealing sweets, she was neither sweet nor a theif) NICE COSTUME she added.
dAN slamed the door in2 her face and she walked on to the next house. How dare she call his onesie a halloween costume? he was just chillin. she was barely even looking at him any way. idk wat the world is cumming to, fort dan.
He went back up to his room 2 mak a start on his chain-leter parody blog. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! he screamed and sat on his chair in order to fall off it.

wat he saw on the screen was truly disturbing.
.......................................
...............................................
..............................
.......................
....................

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
...................................



...........

He made a MENTAL note to change his screensaver from "My Pictures" to "windows default" and delete all evidence of that mental night out.

.............

He sat in his chair and touched the mouse to re-move the screensaver. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *He fell off his chair*

Putting a book under the back weel of his seat 2 balance, it, he returend 2 the horrror on the screen. The conversation window was open again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You can't stop me just lyk tht.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Theirs no way yu can stp me
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cann always talk too you.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hullo?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You their?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: .................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ...................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ......................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Cinema Times, Taken 2, November 3rd.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sorry, ment to type that into google. mybad.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ..........................
Boy: Sorry, had to answer to the door. Trick & treaters.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I know.
Boy: Howd u no?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I watched you.
Boy: Hu? He checks his webcam and threw a sock over it**
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I can always see you.
Boy: Oh sheeeet! Th...wait a minute...didn't you say you had no eyes.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well, I guess i did, but wat i mean is...
Boy: how u seein me then. im not available in fucking brail.
Boy: though im happy for you to have a quick rub if it helps you identi...no wait...eewww...
Boy: how necro is it if you're all ready having a convo with them first? Do you have photo of yourself?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cnt tak a photo. I'm dead!
Boy: Right, but you can use Facebook. There's wi-fi in hell is there?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Listen yu stoopid litto shit. I have no eyes. I'm dead. I was killed by my bf who was meant to luv me. he killed me nd hid my body under the floorbords of my house. then i killed him. now I'm contacting you from beyond the grave. Stop picking holes and be afraid. Be very afraid. 4 i gonna kill you. are you home alone tonight daniel?
Boy: Er....no.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: r u home alone if yu dont count yur cat as a person?
Boy: Er...yes. But hes' got lots of personality and hes' almost like a person.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then y dont i come over and kill yu tonite.
Boy: Er....traffic? its very cold outside. and the telly is good.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: The TV is shit these days and yu kno it.
Boy: Fair point.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Right, I'm coming over.

Dan got up and ran away from the computer.
Boy: excuse me a minute, got to run away from the computer a second. he typed.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sure thing.

I got up and ran around the house locking all the doors and windows until he was certain that nobody could possibly get in. A ghoulish face appeared at the window in the front door. "Just take them and fukk off!" Dan shouted as he through sweets threw the catflap before boarding it up...er...with some wood...that I keep by the cat door for just such an emergency as this.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Feel all safe now.
Boy: Yes thanks.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Remember aaaaaaages ago wen i aksed 'wear was i?' well.... i didnt mean it like

that. i meant wear was i wen i died!
Boy: Where?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: my house
Boy: Well thats cleared that up, thanks. if theres nothing else, i was sort of trying to right an blog.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then u moved in to my house. iv always been here. and u just locked urself in w/me. lmfao. u cnt.
Boy: then why are you using facebook to contact me?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: dont know. just feels better really. you can really express urself better sometimes when your not face-2-face w/someone ya kno watt i mean?
Boy: Cool.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: anyway, point is, i died here 25 years ago and now i am back to kill u.
Boy: WTFukk did i do? Thats hardly fair.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Is it fair that i had to die?
Boy: You are quite annoying, tbh.

Dan felt the book under the wheelless foot of his chair be kicked out and fell back off my chair.
Boy: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**********************************
***************************
*******************************
***************8**************
********


since u read this blog, yu now hav to tell at least 10 of ur friends abt it or Dan and/or SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx will cum in the night (childish) and kill u 2.*

*to clarify, yu will be killed, not the popular smug irish band. i dnt kno if it will be SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx or myself that kills yu, im not sure of the ettiquette here. im new too this u see, ive only just died on halloween 2012 and then i had to write all this up so i dnt kno the rules. i kno ur thinkin, "but i dont live in dans house, surely that was the point there" bt....er....its complicated. stop aksing questions abt my logic. right, thats it, im coming to kill u. jst tell ur friends now and hav a happy halloween or ill kill u.

actually, hav a fukking shit scary halloween and whatever u do, dnt turn around right now.

A Rapey Blast From The Past

Gonna post a new blog tomorrow about Halloween, but while going through the hard-drive on my old pre-uni laptop I can across some proper old blogs from my myspace days. This is, as far as a I recall, the first one of these that I did. One of those chain letter things. My comments are in red. (I've made some minor changes to fix my own grammar and update some references).

One night these five girls were having a sleepover when they heard



chaos at the end of her street.



they went down to find out what was happening.



they learned that a woman was



raped and the man was on the loose.



so they quickly run home very sensible! Girls if this happens to you always leave the place you're safely inside and run home



and bolt everything down. There was no need to bolt stuff down, the rapist wont nick anything, just lock the doors, don't start bolting stuff down.



everything settles down for a while



then they started hearing weird noises



coming from outside.



they let their minds go wild well not that wild really, I mean they are told a rapist is on the loose on their street and hear a noise outside and think it's a rapist, that's not that wild. If they thought it was Mitt Romney singing the hits of T-Rex, that would be wild.



so they got scared and hid inside a closet. Good sized closet to hide 5 girls, obviously a nice house



the man was really outside so not really letting their minds go that wild and



found a window that had a broken bolt. Well why didn't they check this when they bolted everything down!?When rapists are concerned take basic safety precautions and check things and report any broken locks.



he crept in quietly.



the girls were scared crapless.



he walked into the room



and opened the closet,

"Nice sized closet" he said looking at the five of them.

the girls screamed and ran in separate directions. My God! This closet really is massive! It has separate directions! I'm assuming the girls didn't run towards the door coz that's where the man was so that would be stupid. So there are six separate exists in total! Also incidentally when you say “the girls ran home” do they all live together? In which case why the heck were they going to a sleepover somewhere else?



four of the girls went downstairs and



locked the cellar door, Good idea, leave yourselves no method of escape and leave one of your friends stranded with a rapist! Always a good move. "Sorry mate but this is a cellar, its not as big as a wardrobe that we could all fit into.” Are there really 5 other exits from the closet? That seems unlikely. That four of the six doors would lead to the same place too just seems a bit…you know what I’m saying. How many doors does one wardrobe need?

that was right above the bathroom. Right ABOVE the bathroom! So they have the room with the closet, then below that they have a cellar then they have a bathroom below that! Any more underground floors? Btw, below the bathroom is where they keep the Batmobile and below that is the Hammersmith and City line, and below that is the girls’ kitchen.



He caught the fifth girl



and took her into the bathroom, if the cellar is above the bathroom, why did he not catch the other girls on the way passed.



raped her,



and skinned her alive. Bit harsh! He left the person raped in the street alive to tell her story to the 5 girls, this is not fairness.



her friends heard her die that night Well they would



but couldnt do anything about it. Well they could have let her come into the cellar with them where they were safe or reported it to the police as soon as they discovered there was a rapist on the loose but apart from those very obvious things there’s nothing they could do about it.



they listened to her scratching the door to get out.



in the morning when he had fled,



the remaining went into the bathroom.



There engraved into the wall was her message:



"how could you have let me die" That's holding a grudge! Having been skinned alive you get some sort of cutting implement and engrave a strongly-worded letter of complaint on the wall, rather than roll around the floor in agony at not having any skin and being in the kind of pain its just unnatural to be alive after



they looked up to get the tears out of their eyes



and saw her flesh dangling from the knife that skinned her.



If you dont repost this (pass the story on) Thanks I know what repost this means



the man will skin you alive too, but if I repost it he knows I know the story, If I keep quiet he'll have no reason to skin me alive, 



because they havent caught him yet.



And the girl will make sure you will die, She's hardly in a position to make sure of anything really.



so she can pass on the tale. Again not really in a position to pass it on.



Fact: A girl died in 1933 by a homicidal murderer. Well that proves it then. All the facts add up. Well one of the facts adds up. Well is possibly a coincidence. Also the “because they haven’t caught him yet” bit: if you’re saying this happened in 1933 the “yet” bit displays a frankly unrealistic element of optimism.

He buried her in the ground when she was still alive. Sorry, where's this bit from and what relevance does it have to the above tale? I thought she was dripping from the ceiling and writing on walls and shit in the story. Was all that just irrelevant warm up? Like “haha just kidding, but seriously there was this horrific murder.”

The murderer chanted "Toma soto balca" as he buried her.

Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl.  Couldn't have used some asterixes to blank it out and save us some trouble could you?

In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. I don't care I'll be asleep

She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. Well that's unfair, I didn't do it!

If you send this on, she will not bother you. Well she's bothered me already with this frankly threatening e-mail

Your kindness will be rewarded Oh yes! It had better be

Sadly the person who wrote this was attacked by the girl and as a result went

Mad, his madness caused him to leave

Big gaps halfway through sentences like a

Tit.