Blog Written On A Phone

Hello the internet.

Sorry I've been away a while, this is due to devoting more of my time to work and thinking of a better excuse not to blog.

I have, however, checked in on how you were getting on, internet, while I have been away.

I've been watching a lot of your videos, around 86% of which would totally change your opinion of me, and cause the public Wi-Fi hotspot you're using to block my blog. However pornography and animals that think they're peoples aside (those are two separate types of video before you go and make a thing) there have been some actually thought provoking videos (no that Russell Brand Newsnight interview doesn't count but we'll discuss that some other time).

In the last couple of days I've seen the following video posted on Facebook several times by my friends. The title of the blog linked to on Facebook is "After I saw this, I put my phone down and didn't pick it up for the rest of the day..." I was intrigued. Could I really be persuaded to put my phone down for a day? Let's see.

Well, first of all, I did put my phone down after watching it. If the title is a statement about the shoddy battery life on a Nokia Lumia 800, this is a pretty good video that highlights the inability to watch 2 minutes of YouTube while signed into Facebook chat.

My next thought is, bit preachy. I mean if a preacher were to get up and preach to a class about the correct way of preaching that would be a little less preachy than this video. What it's trying to say of course is that mobile phones are terrible. The fact that I watched this on my phone and, I suspect, some of my friends did and then we used our phones to spread the message is an ironic side effect charstarleneTV was probably hoping nobody would notice. I only hope for her sake this wasn't filmed on a phone too.

I find myself constantly being told that people use their phones too much or that my more mature friends are quitting Facebook because it’s boring. It's not boring. No way is it boring. It’s an interconnected database of millions of people sharing their lives, loves, opinions, sorrows, faux sorrows that seem important when you're in sixth form, campaigns for the least appropriate people to be prime minister, photos, friendships, jobs, relationships, jokes about the natural disaster or celebrity who has just died, music and films if all that seems boring to you then you probably have boring friends. Look, I think there should be rules to this. Remember if you're on Facebook, you're talking to the world (or at least the very small percentage of it you were talking to at a house party six years ago) and try to make it interesting. The cliché that we don’t need to know what Stephen Fry had for breakfast is true but if he’d rearranged his Alphabetti Spaghetti into the sentence “hold the newsreader’s nose squarely waiter or friendly milk will countermand my trousers” with a sausage and fried egg as an exclamation mark then that might be worth sharing with the world.

There are some things Facebook isn’t great for. “Oh no, they’ve broken up. They were such a lovely couple. Oh that must be horrible for them, nobody likes to see a relationship collapse. Oh spoke to soon, 37 people like it apparently. An odd number? Is that more of her friends or his? Better like it or she might win.” And as for your thoughts on Sherlock series 3 internet, I need to have a word with you about that sometime. But broadly speaking it’s a lot of fun with friends who I barely get to see and links to the most amusing news, views and mews (you guys are obsessed with cats!).

I’m worried that the woman in this video may be one of the boring friends that Facebook just doesn’t work for. This next bit is mostly intended for her:

In one scene in your video you go bowling and are disappointed to see all of your friends on their phones. You knocked down three pins, bitch I'm not standing up for anything less than a spare! At the start you're in bed with your boyfriend and he's checking his phone, apparently having a well-read boyfriend who catches up with the news first thing is a turn off, that's fine, but it’s not exactly like you're doing anything to hold this guy’s interest. A simple good morning kiss might get him off the phone, lying there like you're dead he probably thinks you're asleep. If you're the kind of person who gets annoyed by phone use, don't go do your dramatic sunrise watching next to a fella shouting down his phone. He was there first. At dinner with your friends, they weren't all on their phones before you started your anecdote. Sorry, you're boring.

As part of the first generation that grew up with mobile phones I was always told that phones were ruining children's minds in the same way that previous generations were told the wireless set was ruining the children's minds or dancing was ruining children's minds or dying in factories during the industrial revolution was ruining children's minds and the reason everyone gave: "oh that text messaging is ruining communication skills." We were the generation that had the newest, quickest, best communication machines since (well since the fax machine but that's a bit undramatic) since ever! And we even invented our own brand new language 2 speak on it and we were told it was ruining communication. Wtf? Lol.

I'm sure there are people who said that combine harvesters were ruining people's farming ability, the wheel bred a generation of people who were less good at walking, the first generation with coins were less good at decision making. Prior to the invention of phones children's pet snakes hardly ever found their food before eating their own tails. Phones make the world better.

 

Look there are times and places where you should ignore your phone. Ignore is the wrong word. Don’t be that dick whose phone goes off at a play and tries to pretend it’s not them. You're the only person in the theatre who thinks people won't know it’s you if you ignore it. Everyone else knows already. We can’t hate you anymore for turning it off. Same goes for at a funeral, though then I would appreciate it if you answered the phone and shouted "stop!! Open the coffin!!"

Tweeting along to Question Time opens debate up and encourages political engagement, furthering Question Time's goal of holding politicians to account. If you do it wrong anyway, if you do it right its retweeting everyone's clever ways of pointing out how backwards David Starkey is, appreciating Bio-Dimbleby's tie and making fun of the glasses of the man who asked the serious climate change question. We need to tweet during #xfactor to make it bearable. I've had so many brief and meaningless chats with strangers as a result of mocking a talented youngster for the death of her granddad, if that makes the world a worse place...probably not a good example.

I draw the line at tweeting drama though. If I have to explain the plot of Sherlock to you coz you missed a bit, I'd better not then flick through your twitter and find you were loving Cumberbatch's hair this week and wanted the world to know. And can we please not tweet to BBC3? The finale of Being Human was amazeballs but nothing ruins a teary moment a writer spent ages worrying about like @SexyVampFan93 saying so over the end credits.

The whole filming a concert/comedy show is a bit of a difficult one. People always say that you should enjoy the moment rather than watching it down a screen. My tablet is HD though, so I wanna see the show as clearly as I can.

I find it kills the mood a bit when everyone has their phones out. It can never capture the mood or the atmosphere of the show and for comedians it can ruin the jokes if everyone can find them online first without the context. How am I supposed to steal jokes of acts that aren't famous yet if some twat is posting them on YouTube?

I don’t think you should post it on YouTube by the way. You look like you have Parkinson's disease and your friend singing along will sound 10 times louder than the band and not half as good - unless its Justin Bieber, downside of phones is post that on Twitter and I'll get badly written deaf freats.

I'm not a fan of filming shows myself. I get too caught up in the moment, and at comedy gigs it must put off the acts, but I get people's desire to have a permanent reminder or a great concert. I've enjoyed a lot of unique performances, seen a lot of impro and things that went wrong, it's kinda sad that I won’t be able to see that again. But me losing my shit when Suggs joined The Horne Section was better for not having to pick up bits of my broken phone off the floor when my body had stopped working properly and just started shaking and screaming like a 12-year-old girl who got McBusted tickets for Christmas. A few days later, during The Horne Section's Edinburgh show there was a fire alarm and everyone from all the shows in the Pleasance had to be evacuated and this happened. So someone captured a unique gig that would never happen again, unless there was an arsonist who hated Alex Horne.

Recently I did a very cool thing. I went to the Shard in London. After admiring the view a bit and making some jokes which spoilt the majestic atmosphere (it’s what I do), I got out my phone and tweeted a picture of Tower Bridge. Ok, phones may have destroyed the business of the official photographer, but maybe it’s because of Snapchat and the limited life of photos these days that they can try and charge me £25 quid for a photo of myself in the gift shop, on the grounds it will last forever. Also, in the video woman’s defence, half an hour before and 310 metres lower, me and Leigh were both staring at maps on our phone discussing which way the tallest building in London was as everyone passing saw it tower above our heads. So I will concede that phones are not as good as eyes. But then eyes have been around for years and the bugs have been ironed out. Remember when we were living in the sea and we couldn’t see more than 3 megapixels?

 

Tower Bridge from The Shard. Tower. Ha. It has no idea what a tower is.

I think phones are great and I'm tired of being told otherwise. They're not worth losing your real life over, and they’re not as great as eyes, but they can complement real life nicely. They're good for sharing experiences. I have a camera on me at all times now. And if you can't appreciate the sunrise because someone is tweeting #sunriseisgay near you then that's your problem. If someone filming a concert means they're not living in the moment and letting go and having a crazy time, well judging them isn't exactly the wildest way to go either. Ignore them and dance like you don’t care if you do end up a YouTube sensation and practice on the Wii before you go bowling next.

 

Please note: all opinions in this blog are true (or funnier than the truth) at time of writing. They are all subject to change next time I hear that Samsung message tone that's like someone whistling. Seriously that freaked me out for months before I realised it was a phone, still I like my baggy clothes and thicker curtains now.

 

 

Sent from my Windows Phone

Clowning Around

Since Halloween is coming up, it's time to get scary:

few years ago a mother and a father decided they needed a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town. Alcoholics. So they called their most trusted babysitter. "We won’t be back till 11, better get the trusted babysitter." "Oh but there's so many more comedy capers with the distrusted one." "No!" When the babysitter arrived the two children were already fast asleep in bed. So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children. Later in the night, the babysitter got bored and so she wanted ..............the suspense is killing me...................to watch tv oh. but she couldnt watch it downstairs because they didnt have cable downstairs That seems unusual, why would that be? (the parents didnt want their children watching too much garbage Calling this baby sitter thick are you? Congratulations to the unnamed father for this excuse to get the Pay-Per-View adult channels in the bedroom) so she called them and asked them if she could watch cable tv in the parents room "Yes, we wanted to get away for the night, just fuck off and chill will you? Couldn't have asked us while we were there?" they replied. Of course the parents said it was ok, "of course! Just stop bothering us." but the babysitter had one final request. She asked if she could cover up the large clown statue in their bedroom with a blanket or cloth, because it made her nervous. The phone line was silent for a moment, and the father(who was talking to the babysitter at the time) well either he was talking to her or he was silent, you can't have it both ways said.....take the children and get out of the house.....we'll call the police...we dont have a clown statue....Did we need to be told he was talking to the babysitter there? Who else was he going to talk to? "Take the children and get out of the house...we'll call the police...we don't own a clown statue."

"Oh shit! What the fuck? I'm outta here!! This is freaky"
"Wait. No, we were just talking to the waiter, I can see how that coulda been confusing though. Yeah, we have a clown statue, what's weird about that? I'm glad you bought the clown up though, because I would hate for you to cover it up and us not to know about it." the children and the babysitter got murdered by the clown. But that's the opposite of what the dad said to do! Can't trust teenagers with anything today. She was probably too dumb because of all that cable she watches. it turned out 2 be that the clown was a killer that escaped from jail. Pausing only to steal the clown costume, the warden was planning on wearing to the prison fun run around D-Wing; he'd foolishly left around the place. "We thought it was just the warden as he slipped through the door dressed as a clown," said a spokesman, "we had no idea."

 

In my experience, if you're the type of person who enjoys a bit of serial killing - and who hasn't been bored on a Tuesday night before - it's best to get in there, do the stabby stabby, and get out as quick as possible. Playing statues is fun, but ultimately silly.

if you dont repost this within 5 minutes the clown will be standing next 2 your bed at 3:00am with a knife in his hand.= shit myself You mean they have all these concrete details about two unnamed parents, an unnamed baby sitter, largely unmentioned dead children and they can pin it down to happening between 2009-2011 and the police still haven't caught this man?!

And you shit yourself!? How do you think I feel? It's my bed he'll be beside. I mean I stay up quite late at night (not trying to sound cool, but I am) and I have no idea how I'm gonna get passed him to get into bed. I'm sorry if this is a waste of your time, but I'm reposting it so I don't have to sleep on the sofa and be grouchy at work tomorrow.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING: The baby sitter decided not to bother the parents and threw a sheet over the clown statue. When the parents got home they paid the baby sitter and went upstairs, as they had to whenever they wanted to watch TV, "Wait...we don't have a ghost statue," said the dad.....

The Pervert in the Petrol Station

Please read, and pass on. Ok, that's what I'll do. And I'll even add some thoughts of my own, that's how seriously I'm taking it.

An important message from the Police - please pass this along to all the women you know.....Capital P? There now follows a message from Sting, listen up.

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 FLEET SERVICES!!! I've literally never seen an official police report that starts with "This actually happened" I think that's taken as read when it's in a police report. It's almost like you're trying too hard to convince me it's true because it probably isn't. I'll read on.

It was early evening, and a young girl stopped to get petrol. That's about the usual amount of detail you'd keep on a crime victim. She filled her tank she thought driving army vehicles would keep her safe, how wrong she was! hahaa! and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her, 'Don't pay for your petrol yet......walk around the store for a while, and act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. Up-selling. A man just got into the back of your car. I've called the police, and they're on their way'. 'Looking at you, I doubt you could have a boyfriend or anything, so I just rang the cops straight away.'

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang, and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go. According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here, originating from London. The scary part of this is, because the guy didn't have a weapon on him, So far this is the only thing that isn't scary. Turns out he was unarmed, arrested and helped the police with their inquiries with no fuss. Shit-scary. the police could only charge him with trespassing....I'm now lawyer, but I'm pretty sure 'attempted rape,' 'intent to kidnap' and 'organised gang crime' are still frowned upon by the courts.

He's back on the street and free to try again. Something similar to this happened at the Tesco garage on Cardiff Road in Newport recently, but luckily the cashier saw the man get into her car. Please be aware of what's going on around you, and warn your family and friends.

LADIES, you or one of your family or friends could be the next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not discard this message; it is very important that everyone knows what is happening. Please be careful when leaving your vehicle, and make sure it is ALWAYS LOCKED to prevent this from happening to you.

FROM THE MET POLICE
In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews, I I, the Met Police, think it is important to read the following info for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please take the time to read these pointers. There may be just one or two you hadn't thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Dial 999? Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. Genuinely quite interesting. Although Tae Kwon Do is a bit cheeky claiming the credit for human evolution.  If you are close enough to use it, do! Do NOT get closer just for the sake of using it. Should add that here, because if you believe some of this stuff, you might just be dumb enough to do that. I mean this is genuinely good advice tbf.

2. Dial 999? if a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you..... He is probably more interested in your handbag than you, Oh well done Sherlock. "Can I have your handbag?" "What is it you really want here?" and he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Still good advice. Although, "go fetch it" might piss him off a bit.

3. Dial 999? if you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Dial 999? Kick out the back tail lights, and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Other road users who see this will call 999 when they've stopped laughing. This is good advice and probably something you hadn't thought of, I guess coz you're not paranoid.

4. Dial 999 Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc In case you were confused as to when women might use a car, some examples., and just sit (doing their cheque book do people still use cheque books? And what are you doing in a cheque book when not writing out a cheque to pay for something? It's not like Sudoku, something to do to kill time. Stupid women or making a list Shopping's done. What next. Guess I'll make a shopping list). DON'T DO THIS! As I've pointed out it's silly. Apply some make up, adjust the chair and find that Olly Murs CD you like, it's probably in the door on the passenger side. A predator could be watching you you guys know that's just a movie right? and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. How do you leave with the doors locked? Oh I see.

5. Dial 999? A few notes about getting into your car in car park: And getting out again without showing the paps your pants
a) Dial 999? Be aware: look around you, look into your car, look at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat. And anything else that means you spend as much time outside your car as possible. Remember a killer is far more likely to be inside your car than in an open space. Warning! This may result in some overzealous petrol station attendant calling the police because it looks like you're checking over a car to steal. Also there's no advice on what to do if you find someone there. Maybe you could dial something?
b) Dial 999? If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attacker’s surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. Remember vans are evil. Don't leave yourself exposed. Crawl slowly and with difficulty across from the passenger side. The criminals almost certainly won’t think to get out and go around the car. REMEMBER: Use caution. If you accidentally sit on the gear stick trying to manoeuvre across you may accidentally be raped by your car. Might e-mail the police; ask if they need someone to proof read their warnings about attacker's. And maybe find out if they have any statistics we could use to back up their fear mongering.
c) Dial 999? Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) Certainly is better to be paranoid than dead. And you should not be afraid to look like an idiot. And remember when going back to the shop, walk backwards and don't take your eyes off the man you've just pretty much walked up to, (better to look like a mad woman than a dead woman).

6. Dial 999? ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone, and the perfect crime spot.* This post accepts no responsibility for women who become trapped in broken down lifts, either alone or with killers.

7. Dial 999? if the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT BE A VITAL ORGAN. "Well he shot me in the leg and caught up with me, but as I was being raped I thought how lucky I was to have my spleen intact." It's probably not bad advice, half the time he won’t even shoot you, but I just don't find anything terribly reassuring about the phrase "it most likely will not be a vital organ."

8. Dial 999? As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Well, that’s my new favourite sentence ever! I laughed so hard Pepsi came out of my nose, along with everything else I've eaten today. Was this written in the 1950s? "You women are always trying to be nice and pleasant to people and making them tea. Well don't. It'll end up getting your raped or killed you silly billy." Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, Yeah, but he had a dark side too. Remember women, good-looking men are as evil as the ugly ones. Good looking men, ugly men, all men really. Every man you see is out to murder you, don't you ever forget that (if I'm ever wrongly accused of murder, that bit it totally getting read out in court) who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women, ALWAYS. Not just for his murders. He got so many free drinks and queue jumps too. The prick. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" As human beings we feel an urge to help those with disabilities. Stop it. It may get you raped or killed. into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. I mean, yeah he did those things, but that doesn't mean the "met police" or "sado who wrote this stuff" have to warn a whole gender that being nice will get them killed.

9. Another safety point: Dial 999?
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last I said "what luck! I'm halfway through writing something staggeringly relevant", and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. "hmmm..." she thought, "That's odd." The police, who refer to themselves in the third person, because they forgot this is meant to be them writing, told her, 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. "hi guys, me again. You know when I said, it was a baby crying by the door, it's actually more like the sound of a baby crying by the window." The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way. Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' It could be a killer baby. He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes, thinking that someone dropped off a baby. "Hmmm, someone’s dropped off a baby, let me check my amazon history I'm sure I didn't order that. That's odd." He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls from women saying that they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. But had decided each time that it wasn't important to investigate or even verify that it was true.

I'd like to break at this point for a little play I like to call, the Baby Killers:

JOHN: "It's no fucking use Baz. I just can't get the hang of lock picking!"
BARRY: "Well, just break the door down John."
JOHN: "Owww. My fucking shoulder. This is stupid Baz. I was really looking forward to raping and murdering her too. I guess I'll just go home to the wife. But the baby will keep me up half the night....John, I've just had an idea, do you still have that tape recorder."

I'm working on a sequel where John invents a tape recorder that can crawl between the door and the window. I think I could take it to the fringe.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. Most likely, they'll think I'm some creep sending them stuff about attempted rape
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. !!!!  Send this to any woman you know who may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it, and it's better safe than sorry. I did just read that in there didn't I? A candle is not dimmed by the lighting of another candle.

"Linda, we have this rape gang case and we want to put out some advice on how young women can protect themselves."
"Finally! A chance to use my poetry A Level."
"Well, this is official police advice so we really just want the basic 'stay safe, because people be crazies' and 'don't be sympathetic to people' stuff."
"Can I at least use my candle metaphor?"
"If you must."
"And can I use the word 'crazies' in an official police document."
"Oh I guess. Just don't forget to mention dialling 999."
"I won’t."

TO ALL CAR OWNERS AND CAR DRIVERS: PLEASE READ

Warning!!!! Be aware of new car-jacking scheme ..You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift or put into reverse. That's not carjacking, that's just driving. You look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space, and you notice apiece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift the gear stick back into park or neutral, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper, or whatever it is that is obstructing your view. It probably was the paper.
When you reach the back of your car that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, Using their magic. Make them disappear again using the spells you learnt in defence against the dark arseholes jump into your car and takeoff!! Your engine was running, you would have left your purse in the car, and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. Because multiple car jackers wouldn't have a problem running you down, but would be too scared to attack you before this point.
BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN LONDON , MANCHESTER , AND MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!! "After successful trials in London and Manchester we have decided to expand our criminal activities into other areas," said a spokesman.

Just drive away, and remove the paper later! Don't worry, an obstructed view is far less dangerous than simply removing the leaflet left their by the owner of that new cafe in town and the lawyer will agree when you back into a pensioner, a good lawyer will get you off with just trespassing. It is stuck to your window, I know, you said that. If it wasn't on the window, what would be the problem? and be thankful that you read this email. I am. It's cheered me up, although I imagine it would make some people needlessly afraid to leave the house. Still better to be terrified of everyone and everything than dead. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, friends yes. Family, no, I used the word 'fuck' and my mum doesn't know I know that word especially to women! Not to women, it'll scare the shit out of them. A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys! Who does? Who's got me keys? Fuck!

Well, we've all had some fun with rape here today, but what have we learnt?

I'm not saying, don't take any of this advice, I'm just saying most of the stories contained in this are obviously bullshit and the ones that aren't, are in pretty poor taste. Just trust that the police would probably go to the papers and local authorities with a problem like this rather than suggest you repost them. Despite their bright colours and funny hats, the police aren't that attention seeking.

CREDITS (where they're due): Thanks to Zeta, Lee and Ben who joked about this with me last night and contributed all the funniest bits of this blog. Also to the people who reposted this so I saw it in the first place - I don't want to discourage you from posting more of them, because they really are terribly funny. Thanks guys.

Halloween Special

Before we start, I must tell you now not to read this blog. I don't want to come across all Marge Simpson at the start of a Treehouse of Horror episode of the simpsons where she comes out at the start and goes "this is going to be really scary," obviously it's going to be scary, it's a halloween special, and they have to put that there for the kids, even tho as kids we loved the scary episodes even more and as grown ups we all think the simpsons isn't really a kids program anyway. BUT NO! I'm serious. I've never been more serious about anything in my life (apart from a comment I left on a website that gave Asylum of the Daleks a bad review.). The story that I will impart to you over the coming blog is very very very scary indeed. and it's all the more scary because it's all true! Yes, look, I am well aware that all halloween and ghost stories start like that but...Id say read the evidence for yourself, but you don...--

let me put it like this:

A girl called Hannah read this blog, she assumed it was some sort of joke or amusing parody of a ghost story. 3 days later she was dead. An incident with a flat burning bought about by ghostly interference.

A guy called Alex read this blog. He found the whole thing laughable. He wasn't laughing 24 hours later when he was dead.
Nobody can laugh when they're dead and I haven't made that up to scare you on halloween, science has proven it.

The scientist I asked to look over this thought it seemed highly scientificly impossible and said anybody who believed it was a complete numbnuts (his words not mine). Well he didn't look so clever when EXACTLY 24 hours later (give or take an hour) he stood on a plug....

BAREFOOT.

Arthur read this blog, he ignored it's message proclaiming "well I'll believe it when I see it." He certainly saw it when 24 hours later he was blinded.

Malcolm went to look into how his friend Jon had died and stumbled across this blog. "It can't really be cursed" thought he, but he wasn't thinking that 24 hours later when the newsagents had sold out of the paper he usually bought...

So do stop reading now, for the tale I am about to impart is not for the faint hearted and you ignore it at your cost.

*********************
********************

It was halloween and it is thundering outside. Dan, a boy, was at home on his own and is sat at his computer and is trying to write a blog.

it's night.

he cant think of whatt to write about, when suddenly and slowly he thinks about
those old chain-letters that you see some  times on the interweb and that used to pop up on My

Space from time to time. He always enjoyd parodying them back in the day/ Maybee Dan would look
for 1 of them to mock the grama of now, he thought.

Suddenly a chat window appeared on his screen.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.

This was most odd thought Dan, four he did not know anybody with that many x's in her name.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Want to no some thing fun!

She asked and/or exclaimed. Must bee 1 of those porno pop-ups about girls looking for sex in his area now. Dan herd these contained viruses so didn't click on them, on the basis that if there in the area hed run in2 them in Tecsos sooner or later.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I have no eyes.
Boy: How ironic is the mad spelling of your name then?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Huh!
Boy: Grammar joke! dw.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: wear was i?
Boy: "No eyes."
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: O i get it now. no i didn't mean that...I me....
Boy: Obvz. bad tayst jk sozzy. start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi sexy.
Boy: Start again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hi Se...o i see wat ur doin. fukk yu this is imprtnt.
Boy: Sorry.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I hav no eyes & i am dead.

Dan was begginning to doubt her nickname (SeXi) but beggening to understand her nickname for him (sexy).

Boy: Oh right, soz abt that.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: do u wnt 2 kno how i died.
Boy: ideally not.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well...its a long story
Boy: in that case ***8**dan closed the window****

he leanned backk in his chair and returned to thinking about his blogs. wuld he rite a parody of one of thse chain letters? or not? wuld peepl still get them? he hopped they wud. those things were lyk super scary. mayb he wouldn't. just then a conversation window popped up.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: yu cant silence me lyk that.
Boy: Aaaaaaaahhhh! (too make it clear, he said that rather than typed it) **he fell off his chair in horror** (again, he did it, not typed it).
Boy: **falls off chair in horror** he typed byway of explanasion

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx then patiently explained that you must signout of chat rather than just closing the window.
Boy: Oh fanx. ***he signed out of chat and closed the window**
Just then their was a knock at the door. Boy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! (see above) ***he fell of his chair***
Boy: I really need to fukking fix that bak weel.
There was the same loud knock at the door. he went down the stairs and opened the door and Saw a young girl standing there, he didn't recognize.

"YOU IGNORED ME ON THE INTERNET AND NOW IM GOING TO FUKKING

RAPE YOU YOU MOTHER FUKKER!" she exclaimed by way of introduckshion.
"What? But you mean that your..."
"yes..." she explained herself.
Lamenating the loss of innocence in childrens fancy dress costumes these days, dan handed over some sweets. "I fink all the smarties are gone," he apologised. "if yu want a tip stick to the usual 'trick or treat' opening line from now on."
"I THOUGHT THE RAPE LINE WAS PUNCHIER!"
"nO. pEOPLE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE BY THE TRACKSUIT, THE MEDALLION AND THE SACK OF CHILDRENS LETTERS FROM THE 70s" said Dan wisely.
Thanks Mr. said the sweet stealing girl (to clairify: she was stealing sweets, she was neither sweet nor a theif) NICE COSTUME she added.
dAN slamed the door in2 her face and she walked on to the next house. How dare she call his onesie a halloween costume? he was just chillin. she was barely even looking at him any way. idk wat the world is cumming to, fort dan.
He went back up to his room 2 mak a start on his chain-leter parody blog. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! he screamed and sat on his chair in order to fall off it.

wat he saw on the screen was truly disturbing.
.......................................
...............................................
..............................
.......................
....................

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
...................................



...........

He made a MENTAL note to change his screensaver from "My Pictures" to "windows default" and delete all evidence of that mental night out.

.............

He sat in his chair and touched the mouse to re-move the screensaver. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *He fell off his chair*

Putting a book under the back weel of his seat 2 balance, it, he returend 2 the horrror on the screen. The conversation window was open again.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You can't stop me just lyk tht.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Theirs no way yu can stp me
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cann always talk too you.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Hullo?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: You their?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: .................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ...................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ......................
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Cinema Times, Taken 2, November 3rd.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sorry, ment to type that into google. mybad.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: ..........................
Boy: Sorry, had to answer to the door. Trick & treaters.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I know.
Boy: Howd u no?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I watched you.
Boy: Hu? He checks his webcam and threw a sock over it**
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I can always see you.
Boy: Oh sheeeet! Th...wait a minute...didn't you say you had no eyes.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Well, I guess i did, but wat i mean is...
Boy: how u seein me then. im not available in fucking brail.
Boy: though im happy for you to have a quick rub if it helps you identi...no wait...eewww...
Boy: how necro is it if you're all ready having a convo with them first? Do you have photo of yourself?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: I cnt tak a photo. I'm dead!
Boy: Right, but you can use Facebook. There's wi-fi in hell is there?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Listen yu stoopid litto shit. I have no eyes. I'm dead. I was killed by my bf who was meant to luv me. he killed me nd hid my body under the floorbords of my house. then i killed him. now I'm contacting you from beyond the grave. Stop picking holes and be afraid. Be very afraid. 4 i gonna kill you. are you home alone tonight daniel?
Boy: Er....no.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: r u home alone if yu dont count yur cat as a person?
Boy: Er...yes. But hes' got lots of personality and hes' almost like a person.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then y dont i come over and kill yu tonite.
Boy: Er....traffic? its very cold outside. and the telly is good.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: The TV is shit these days and yu kno it.
Boy: Fair point.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Right, I'm coming over.

Dan got up and ran away from the computer.
Boy: excuse me a minute, got to run away from the computer a second. he typed.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Sure thing.

I got up and ran around the house locking all the doors and windows until he was certain that nobody could possibly get in. A ghoulish face appeared at the window in the front door. "Just take them and fukk off!" Dan shouted as he through sweets threw the catflap before boarding it up...er...with some wood...that I keep by the cat door for just such an emergency as this.

SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Feel all safe now.
Boy: Yes thanks.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Remember aaaaaaages ago wen i aksed 'wear was i?' well.... i didnt mean it like

that. i meant wear was i wen i died!
Boy: Where?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: my house
Boy: Well thats cleared that up, thanks. if theres nothing else, i was sort of trying to right an blog.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: then u moved in to my house. iv always been here. and u just locked urself in w/me. lmfao. u cnt.
Boy: then why are you using facebook to contact me?
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: dont know. just feels better really. you can really express urself better sometimes when your not face-2-face w/someone ya kno watt i mean?
Boy: Cool.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: anyway, point is, i died here 25 years ago and now i am back to kill u.
Boy: WTFukk did i do? Thats hardly fair.
SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx: Is it fair that i had to die?
Boy: You are quite annoying, tbh.

Dan felt the book under the wheelless foot of his chair be kicked out and fell back off my chair.
Boy: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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since u read this blog, yu now hav to tell at least 10 of ur friends abt it or Dan and/or SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx will cum in the night (childish) and kill u 2.*

*to clarify, yu will be killed, not the popular smug irish band. i dnt kno if it will be SeXiLiliii<3xxxxxxcxx or myself that kills yu, im not sure of the ettiquette here. im new too this u see, ive only just died on halloween 2012 and then i had to write all this up so i dnt kno the rules. i kno ur thinkin, "but i dont live in dans house, surely that was the point there" bt....er....its complicated. stop aksing questions abt my logic. right, thats it, im coming to kill u. jst tell ur friends now and hav a happy halloween or ill kill u.

actually, hav a fukking shit scary halloween and whatever u do, dnt turn around right now.