Star Trek: Enterprise: Less is More?

I’ve used lockdown to rewatch season 3 of Star Trek: Enterprise, and it occurred to me how good this season could have been if it was a 13 part story. Unfortunately for Enterprise it came out at a time when 24 part seasons were the norm for American network television, but it was trying to do the season long story-arcs that modern TV has got so good at. As a result there’s a great story here if you look for it. Enterprise was on the edge of cancellation and were surprised to get a third series. It’s remembered as being ok, better than the first two, a sensible change of direction, but there’s also some padding, a handful of forgettable episodes, a handful of irrelevant episodes all diluting the impact of Season 3. I believe if it was a 13 or 15 episode season, as is common now, it could have been brilliant. That in mind, here’s my cut of the series. I’ve used a traffic light system: Green episodes stay. Red episodes go. Yellow episodes are good but not essential (pick 1 or 2 of your favourite yellow episodes). If you’ve not seen season 3 of Enterprise there’s spoilers ahead.

Of course you must also include The Expanse which is the finale to Season 2 and gets a lot of the set-up out of the way.

The Xindi
KEEPER: It’s a pretty solid season opening. Some typical Star Trek fayre. Reminds us what Star Trek is all about, but sets up how this series will be a little different. At it’s heart this is a classic adventure story. But also we meet a Xindi for the first time, we see the council for the first time, albeit briefly, but it sets up a lot for future episodes plus the twist at the end is interesting.

Anomaly
KEPPER: This one sets up the Expanse and the spheres. It also develops things for the characters with Archer being told he will need to bend his morals to survive in the Expanse, and we see the first glimpses of that.

Extinction
LOSE IT: It’s a pretty rubbish mid-season episode. It would be weak in any season but it adds nothing to the overall plot of The Xindi/Expanse story line. It’s definitely a filler episode. The alien city isn't fleshed out or interesting enough to justify it's inclusion, the threat isn't strong enough to sell this episode in a season that's dominated by the Xindi who are a proper threat. It's all just a bit 'meh.'

Rajiin
LOSE IT: Archer picks up a prostitute with special abilities. It’s basically a Star Trek porn parody but without the porn or the parody. It’s a shame to lose the last 10 minutes which are the first time Enterprise has a battle with the Xindi and it’s a real step up for the series’ action scenes. But it’s fairly pointless in plot terms.

Impulse
LOSE IT: I almost kept this one. It’s a good Halloween watch. Zombie Vulcans! It’s overall importance relates to how Trellium D, the substance the crew needs to help them through the anomalies, will send T’Pol mad. You could lose all references to Trellium D and not affect the plot of the season too much. Aside from the fact that later in the series T’Pol gets addicted to using Trellium as a drug, which wasn’t all that exciting as a plot twist anyway.

Exile
KEEPER: This is the one I chose to keep at the expense of Impulse. Mainly because it’s a Hoshi story and Travis and Hoshi are criminally underused in Enterprise. I think they may be the most interesting characters if they were ever given something to do. The main plot is basically Beauty and the Beast but it leads us to some information that gets us to The Shipment and gives us some more details about the spheres.

The Shipment
KEEPER: Wait? Not all of the Xindi are bastards! This episode is crucial in setting up the Xindi relationships between the five species. It forces Archer to confront his prejudice and forces us to think outside the heroes/monsters dynamic it’s too easy to fall into. Also crucially it gives them a lead on where the weapon is being built.

Twilight
MAYBE: This episode sure has an exciting opening sequence with the Earth being destroyed. I am a sucker for an alternative future story. I think there’s great drama in Archer’s inability to remember anything after his injury. There’s a nice dementia parallel here. But really alternative future is why I kept this story yellow instead of condemning it to the red pile.

North Star
LOSE IT: Every other episode of this series keeps telling us how Earth is going to be destroyed and we’re in a race against time to save the world. So let’s stop for a week to dick around in a cowboy western planet. Nope. Any other series this episode would be ok (Basically the exact same plot happens in the original Star Trek anyway) but here it’s just a boring story at the wrong time.

Similitude
KEEPER: This is a very good story. It’s kinda irrelevant in terms of the Xindi/Expanse story, but the point is that Archer is once again forced to make an unethical decision, a decision that would outright be unacceptable and dismissed in a series where Earth wasn’t at stake so if you want to tell this story it has to be part of series 3.

Carpenter Street
LOSE IT: Daniels sends Archer and T’Pol back in time to 2004 where the Xindi are making a biological weapon to attack humanity. It’s kind of a spare weapon I guess, in case the one that blows up the whole planet doesn’t work. The bio-weapon plot is a bit pointless and just padding, and the time travel element is not interesting enough. Also Daniels’s excuse for not going back in time himself is “it would take too much time to do the paperwork” which is bollocks on every level.

Chosen Realm

KEEPER: On the surface this episode might seem a bit tangential to the main plot. A group of religious zealots who worship the spheres take over Enterprise. But it’s worth including because this whole Weapons-Of-Mass-Destruction thing was Star Trek’s way of addressing 9/11. The religious dogma and suicide bombings in this episode are the most on-the-nose this series got to the issues and its worth including for that alone.

Proving Ground
MAYBE: We see a trial run of the Xindi weapon. Which is kinda exciting. This episode is not hugely necessary, but Shran is in it, and therefore I can’t justify getting rid of it. Shran! Despite only appearing in a handful of episodes Shran was one of the best characters in Enterprise, rumour is if they had got a fifth season they would have given him a bigger role.

Stratagem
KEEPER: Well this is the one where we find out the location of the Xindi weapon so it’s kind of essential. It also builds a relationship between Archer and Degra, the designer of the weapon, that will be important later. It’s a pretty good episode.

Harbinger
LOSE IT: I feel bad losing this one. It’s a Malcolm story and he’s almost as wasted as Travis and Hoshi. The conflict between Malcolm and the MACOs is interesting. It’s also the first time we meet one of the Sphere-makers and learn that they are creating the Expanse to make it habitable for their species. BUT that basically just confirms the beliefs of the guys from Chosen Realm and we learn this again from Daniels in Azati Prime, so get rid. It’s slowing things down.

Doctor’s Orders
LOSE IT: This is just a remake of the Voyager episode ‘One’ with the names changed. They probably just got that script and did a ‘Find and Replace’ function. The plot twists are the same and even if you haven’t seen the Voyager episode, the plot twists are blatantly obvious.

Hatchery
LOSE IT: Lose it fast. This one is a mess. The crew find a Hatchery full of Xindi eggs. Captain Archer gets sprayed with some Xindi goop. Captain Archer wants to protect the eggs putting the crew and ship at risk. He claims that the Xindi eggs are unborn innocents and need protecting. The crew all discuss whether he’s making the right decision. “How long are we going to be here?” “Wasting our time.” “I doubt the Xindi would care for human babies if the situation was reversed.” The crew even mutiny and it turns out the goop affected the captain’s brain and that’s fine. Problem is Captain Archer is right and the crew are wrong. The episode doesn’t act like that. But the crew are basically being racist (Archer even asks if the crew would be so happy to let the Xindi die if they looked like humans). The Xindi attacked Earth because they were told humans were savages, saving their children might have been the best way to save Earth. Archer does get a bit psychotic as the episode goes on, but it’s just all wrong. It’s annoying because it’s Star Trek using alien goop to dodge a big issue that caused interesting conflict between the main characters*
*Side note: Gene Roddenberry was always against conflict between the main characters, I understand that, but meh, I still like it, and we aint in TNG anymore. I'll take character development over alien goop any day.

Azati Prime
KEEPER: It all kicks off! Enterprise finds the Xindi weapon and Archer pilots a mission to go get it. Daniels reveals that the Xindi are being played by the Sphere Builders and that ultimately humanity and the Xindi would work together in the future to destroy the Sphere Builders. Crucial information for the plot. And lets talk about that battle scene at the end of the episode. One of Star Trek’s most impressive. Explosions left right and centre. The ship torn up. Loads of crewmembers killed. It is actually epic.

Damage
KEEPER: And the aftermath of Azati Prime. Damaged Enterprise in tatters with lots of deaths. The Captain comes back with a message, they must get to a meeting with Degra with their proof that the Sphere-Builders are behind all this. With morale at an all time low and Enterprise broken with no engines, Archer is forced to break his moral code again to raid an innocent ship and steal the warp technology he needs to make his meeting on time.

The Forgotten
MAYBE: This one is worth keeping for Trip’s dealing with grief, but that stuff is neatly addressed in ‘Home’ from Season 4 which is like the debrief after the mission, and can be fitted in elsewhere. In terms of the Xindi it’s the admin episode: Archer convinces Degra and the Arboreals to help him, but since he still has to convince the council, I would argue that you could combine the plot of this episode and The Council into one tighter, more action packed episode.

E²
LOSE IT: This might be controversial. Before I started my Enterprise rewatch I checked out a few lists of the best episodes and this was on a lot of people’s top 10, but…it’s ok…but it’s basically a remake of the Deep Space Nine episode “Children of Time” which did the same story better. Again, you won’t be missing out any plot points by skipping this episode. All it adds to the story is the Enterprise’s journey through a corridor. If you’re a deep person you’re meant to say “The journey is more important than the destination” but it isn’t really here.

The Council
KEEPER: This is the episode where Archer must convince the council to stop the weapon launch. It’s also an episode where we get some more details of the spheres. As I say we have already seen a lot of this evidence in The Forgotten (and it’s been gathered over the previous season's episodes) so I think they could have combined The Forgotten and The Council to make one bigger, better episode. But this has a nice little moment of Malcolm’s reaction to the rising body count of the series, and the launch of the Xindi weapon. So you need to keep one of The Forgotten or The Council and unless they go back and remake it with my notes, this one is more important, because it ends on a cliffhanger that runs into a tight final couple of episodes.

Countdown
KEEPER: This is the tension builder. As the name implies there’s a ticking clock element to this one. With the Reptilians taking the weapon and Hoshi, Archer must convince the aquatics to join the fight before it’s too late. In return T’Pol and Trip must promise to destroy the spheres. This one brings the sphere builders into play properly. There’s lots of action. And it moves all the pieces into position ready for a finale.

Zero Hour
KEEPER: Well you want to see how the story ends right? And this is a pretty good series finale. Action packed. High stakes. A couple of returning characters make cameos. There’s two big battles on two fronts going on simultaneously, as Captain Archer takes a team to destroy the weapon (even if at one point it does look a little bit like it could be a scene on The Crystal Maze) which is now in Earth orbit and ready to attack. Meanwhile Enterprise must honour their promise to destroy the spheres and the Expanse. There’s big explosions, high stakes, phaser fights, fist fights, a slow-mo hero run as everything explodes behind him. It’s a pretty strong finale.

If you’ve never watched it but want to, here’s the 13 episode run I think would work in a nut shell, enjoy:

0. The Expanse (Season 2 finale)

1. The Xindi

2. Anomaly

3. Exile

4. The Shipment

5. Similitude

6. Chosen Realm

7. Proving Ground

8. Stratagem

9. Azati Prime

10. Damage

11. The Council

12. Countdown

13. Zero Hour

Obviously the series doesn’t quite work with all these omissions, I think it’s better because it’s slicker, tighter and maintains an overall higher quality, but there are things in those other episodes that come up again. However in an ideal world if they had been commissioned for a 13 part series the elements of the other episodes that you need would all have fitted into the ones I kept. But in case they don’t:

Dan’s Bonus Episode Idea: Falling between Stratagem and Azati Prime. Since there’s a couple of time travel episodes I cut from this series, what might have been fun would be to make a whole episode out of Daniels taking Archer to the future where the Federation and Xindi are working together. Archer, Trip and Malcolm could be taken to the future, working as observers on the Enterprise-J and forced to work in collaboration with a future crew and also work with their enemies. They confront their prejudices and gather the evidence they need to show the council. Any gaps in the narrative caused by missing out episodes could be squeezed in here. Also what if you relocated the story time-wise to the 24^th Century and put Archer and co. on the USS Titan, Riker’s ship? Now you have a mid-season fun crossover episode, a trailer that will bring back fans whose viewership may have slipped in the first 2 seasons of Enterprise, all the design elements associated with Star Trek that Enterprise changed, and a much better use of Riker and Troi than that fucking awful season 4 episode.

What do you think? Would these cuts make it better? Would they make it worse? Would you change anything? Do you like it as a series in the first place? Will you watch it this way next time? To be honest, as long as I don’t need to watch North Star ever again, I will be happy.

Quarentine Challenge Day 3: You Don't Have To Worry

Day 3 of the Quarentine Challenge (I missed Day 2, so will probably go back and do it at the end), it was to start a story with the first line "you don't have to worry because..." This one isn't as neat as my Day 1 piece. I'm really embracing the idea of reading the thing and writing and writing and writing and keep going for an hour without planning. I might change that up and do a detailed plan or think a story through in my head later in the run. But anyway, it's not finished. It's not great. But there's some ideas and jokes in here that I like and that I might come back to

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You don’t have to worry because I’ve been in scrapes far worse than this and look at me, I’m not dead am I? I always get out alive!

The people who I am trapped with however…joking you twat! We’re going to be fine. So the way I see it we’re trapped in a bank vault with no food, no water, no phones – because someone’s kept going off during the training drills! 

I know that was me, I’m somebody. If I’d been talking about your phone I’d have said “some nobody’s phone kept going off during the training drills." Oh now, you’ve interrupted my train of thought. Don’t every interrupt me again. I was so close to getting us out of here. Now I have to start thinking of the whole plan again. Where was I?

I know! I know I’m trapped in a bank vault! We can see we’re both trapped in a bank vault. I didn’t mean geographically where am I, I meant what was I just saying.

Oh, well maybe I did just say that, did I say anything after I said about being trapped in bank vault.

Well, you are a nobody. And I am Daring Brad, bank breaker extradornaire. Famous for it. Well sort of famous. You can’t be too famous for it or they’ll arrest you. But I’m on whatever the equivalent of the Graham Norton show is for people looking to avoid being seen by the general public.

I don’t know who Jimmy Fallon is but I’m guessing it’s not a very funny reference. You just let me do the jokes. I’m going to cut your bits out of this anyway because you’re a nobody. Everybody knows I’m the funniest one in the crew. I’m the funniest and most handsome.

No that wasn’t an example of how funny I am.

Alright. Tell me one good joke you know.

Who’s There?

Robber Who?

Ok, that was pretty funny, but I’m still not putting you in my book.

Yeah, I’m writing a book. Because I’m also the most intelligent, funniest and most handsome one in the group. Shaun’s just called the ‘brains of the operation’ on the grounds that he’s the one who brings the chalk to the meetings.

Of course you can write a book if you’re a criminal. You just have to remember to redact certain details. For example I’m going to spell Shaun’s name the other way to how he spells it.

Well I’m not going to spell your name at all, you’re a nobody.

Now, how do we get ourselves out of here. I’m very good at breaking into banks, not so good at breaking out. But we can find a way. Something must have happened to Alann (with two N’s in case the feds are reading), he’s our engineer, he was supposed to take out the main power generator and back up. Let’s face it gold and money are no use to us in getting out. They can buy us what we like on the outside. Enough gold here for one of those scented candles that comes in a little glass jar.

But but but, people do leave valuables in bank safety deposit vaults like this one. Maybe we can find something that isn’t useless money or useless gold. I've got the codes in this notebook. Here. Quick start opening deposit boxes. How’d we get the codes to every deposit box in the city bank I hear you ask?

I’m talking to the readers now, you’re supposed to be getting busy. The codes? Well that’s where Big Steve comes in and, of course, Little Steve.

I told you kid, I’ll do the jokes, but yes it does indeed sound like the nickname Big Steve would have for his... Although I would point out that it is wildly inappropriate given the circumstances.

Big Steve gives the whole operation an air of respectability. He’s got class. He’s got style. He’s got grace. He’s a winner.

No he’s not a lady. Oh I see. Well it wasn’t a reference to that song, I’m just no good with words. How would you describe big Steve then?

That’s pretty good. Too bad nobody will hear it nobody. Now open those god damn safety deposit boxes.

Big Steve has a certain way about him. He’s well spoken. Well dressed. Nothing but the finest Armani suits. His Pyjama’s even have a tie. He drives the finest cars, eats at restaurants you have to book in advance. Rubs shoulders with the right people. Goes to the theatre, for shows that aren’t adapted from films. In short, Steve has a certain Je ne sais quoi about him.

You didn’t come up with that. You trying to claim ownership of the phrase je ne sais quoi now. I bet you don’t even know what it means. Tell me what it means then.

See told you. Now open those deposit boxes.

Big Steve is our in. He hangs around with the richest people in town. Gets to know them. Gets to know their wives, very well. Gets invited to their houses and their parties. Big Steve is like the advanced guard. Wherever we are going to do the next hit, he’s in town six months before, schmoozing. Big Steve picks the marks. Learns which banks they keep their valuables in and picks the bank we are going to target. But how do we get the codes for the safety deposit boxes? I hear you ask. That’s where Little Steve comes in. Little Steve or Steve Jnr is enrolled in the local school. Little Steve has been to so many of the UKs prestigious private schools that he is probably the real brains of our operations. What this guy doesn’t know about the years 3 to 8 national curriculum is probably not written in Latin. He infiltrates the school and makes friends. His years moving from one private school to another every six months have made him very adept at fitting in and making new friends with private school kids. Not so much with anyone else. Personally I want to smack the little git every time I see him. Imagine not turning up to a meeting because you’ve got fucking polo practice. But shortly after arriving he hands out invitations to a birthday party he’s throwing at the town’s finest restaurant. Someplace that sells Oysters and Lobsters and Scallops and says ‘bruschetta’ when they mean ‘on toast.’ He takes these invites and gives them to the oldest or favourite child of everyone who his dad, Big Steve, has identified as a potential mark. Then after what he laughingly calls a party, he declares “oh such fun, we must do this again Velmoronica! Tell me when is your birthday.” And he memorises all of the birthdays of all of the kids whose parents own these deposit boxes and that is invariably the code we need to get into them. Found anything useful yet?

You don’t mean that the minister of defence owns one of these boxes?

Why would someone else lock photos of the Defence minister in a vault.

Oh wow! These are…yeah, take them. The Sun will give us a lot of money for these. Christ. Whoever owns these must be the most powerful man in the country. I imagine whoever took them probably drinks to forget. But they won’t help us get out of here. Keep looking.

Of course Little Steve very nearly ended up behind bars in juvenile prison himself. Luckily they only caught Ricky. You see where Big Steve was the brains of the operation, Ricky was never sure if he was the arse or the elbow of the operation. One day he came up with a hairbrained scheme to win the lottery. See at the time the lottery was being hosted by Eamon Holmes. So in comes Ricky with a little idea. A very little idea. He sends Little Steve to the school where Eamon Holmes’ children go. He reckons see that most people who do the lottery pick the birthdays of their nearest and dearest and since Eamon Holmes picks the numbers on the show, if he can find out Eamon Holmes’ kids’ birthdays, he can predict what numbers are going to come up. So three months Ricky and Little Steve put into this project. And Ricky wants to win big so he spends £100 on lottery tickets all with the same six numbers – “that’s not how it works mate” was becoming something of a catchphrase for the rest of us – and of course, lost on all of them. He went out that night to drown his sorrows and ended up heading to ITV South Bank studios in quite a state with the plan to drown Eamon Holmes instead. He made it all the way to the studio too! Accidentally exposed himself to Denise Robertson during a commercial break and was arrested while Phil and Holly tried to calm her down.

Found anything?!

You wont believe the stuff that some people leave in safety deposit boxes. Look, this one guy just has all the instruction manuals to everything in his house in case he needs them. A collection of Pokemon cards. Here we’ll take these. These’ll be worth a few bob on ebay. The addresses of all the heads of government in the world and what appears to be a list of codenames. Might just leave that one alone. What’s in this one? What do you suppose these numbers are?

Someone’s locked up all their PIN numbers on a bit of paper including the number for this safety deposit box. A first edition Jane Austin…five pound note. Wait a minute? Wasn’t she on the tenner? Some dodgy people about.

Ok, look, we’ve got to start seriously thinking about getting out of here. Give me that list. Now somewhere in any bank safety deposit box vault, the bank manager will have a box. If we can find that maybe there’ll be some thing in there that we can use…

Quarantine Challenge Day 1: I Was Lying Before...

By way of introduction: I signed up for a 14-day quarantine writing challenge. The first days of which was to write a thing with the first line "I was lying before, the truth is..." I set myself an hour and just typed and typed for that hour. Here's the result

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I was lying before, the truth is boring isn’t it? The truth is so much more boring. Nothing interesting happened in the truth, there’s no winners when it comes to telling the truth. “Oh well done, you’ve told the most truth, here have a trophy.” If anything history has proven that liars often get further. Now I’m not saying all liars are dicks. That’s not the case. JRR Tolkein wasn’t a dick was he? But then he wasn’t entirely truthful in his writing either. Or maybe he was a dick. Maybe he was one of those people like Churchill who we think was all good because he did a lot of good things but then it turns out he was actually a bit of a dick too. I wonder if he was a dick.

SANDRA, MAKE A NOTE TO FIND OUT IF JRR TOLKEIN WAS A DICK! THANKS LOVE.

I don’t even have a secretary called Sandra. She’s called Lucy.

Not true either. I don’t have a secretary or a PA. And that intercom I pushed…just a tape recorder. But admit it, I seemed more interesting when you thought I had a PA called Sandra. I don’t think I’ve ever even met a Sandra. Not knowingly. I met an Eileen once at the supermarket but she was like 20. I assume she just forgot her name tag that day and had to borrow one from an older colleague. Now that’s interesting. She sounds interesting. What happened there? But it’s not true. Nothing I’ve told you so far really happened.

And if you thought the opening line “I was lying before the truth is…” was gonna make me tell you the truth. You’re wrong! That line just came to me off the top of my head as a good opening, thought it up all by myself while I was out cleaning the Porsche. And you should know, I’m not going to tell you the truth. Not one thing contained in the following text really occurred. It is entirely bullshit.

Hello. You’re still here. That’s interesting isn’t it? Why are you still here? I’ve told you nothing you could possibly read below will be the truth and yet you’re still here. Unless you’re not still here. I kinda hope you stopped reading otherwise when I said “you’re still here” just now that would be true. And now there’s a truth in here. Oh fuck. If you’re still reading it then there must be something true in here. You’d better not be reading it still? Are you? Are you? Go away! Stop reading it! Stop it! You’re making my head hurt!

Right lets assume for a moment that nobody is reading this, but also if you are you need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror. Go on do it now. I’ll wait.

Done it?

No you haven’t. Now you’ve lied to me and I’ve lied to you and yet we’re all still here. What do you expect to find? What are you hoping for? Are you more interested in lies than the truth? I can do lies. Lies are easy. Erm…I did not just eat all six packs from a six pack of six packs of Jaffa Cakes. See anyone can lie. I actually really like Billy Rae Cyrus. Lie. Easy right? Perhaps you’re hoping that my lies may reveal some truth? Do you now think for example that I am the type of person who would eat six packs from a six pack of six packs of jaffa cakes? I told you I did not do that just now, but I could have done it hours ago, or maybe it was a four pack. Who is to know? I could really like Billy Rae Cyrus for all you know. Unless you’re the one person in the world who loves Billy Rae Cyrus you can’t prove me wrong.

So why are you interested? Why are you interested in reading this if I am not going to tell you the truth? The most frustrating lie any of us have been told is that old one “the truth’s stranger than fiction.” Is it bollocks! I didn’t masturbate through the whole of the Human Centipede trilogy only to see ‘based on a true story’ and that’s the strangest thing I can think of. (Work out which bits of that sentence definitely had to happen to count it as a lie).

Is the truth really stranger than fiction? Sure it’s more confusing but that’s not the same as being stranger?

When I was a girl, we were living in a small house right near the very northern most part of mainland Wales. A small cottage on a farm. You can picture it right – even though, as I say, it definitely wasn’t real? On that farm we had some chickens (ee-eye-ee-eye-oh) and every morning we’d wake up and have eggs for breakfast. Fresh eggs from the farm. I think I was about 6 when I realised that eggs came from a chickens bum, 7 when I realised they weren’t chicken poo and 8 when I realised they had baby chickens inside them (sort of), and so in this tiny Welsh farming village I became the only vegan. This is back before vegans were everywhere. I think understanding the food chain was fine for some of the older farmers but for me growing up it really shocked and sickened me. I vowed from that day that I would never again eat any animal product. My parents were still working the farm of course and this was not a problem. Each to their own I said. I wasn’t going to do anything drastic. You do you mum and dad, I’ll do me. And so I grew up knowing my parents did this for a living. Killing animals. Artificially impregnating animals and taking their milk. And just generally being kinda mean to animals. All the time I ate my kale like a good little girl and complained when we were out of Soya milk. (If I spotted it, I know my mum put cows milk in my tea when she couldn’t be bothered (is tea vegan? I should know but I don’t. Maybe I should have researched it before I started this lie, but I didn’t because when I totally off my own back came up with the idea of writing this, I thought I should disconnect my writing machine from the internet so I did. I haven’t checked Twitter once)).

Since we’re doing bits in brackets here: (would now be a good time to point out that Jaffa Cakes are not vegan? You didn’t spot that. You’re lying too now if you said you did. We’re both lying. What a madcap world this is).

When I grew up, around the age of 13, my parents made another attempt to get me started working on the farm. You know the best form of a lie? Jokes. Jokes are all lies. None of them really happened. Doctor Who never showed up at anyones front door. The chicken had no reason to cross the road. In fact, I began to experiment down on the farm. I set up reasons why a chicken might cross the road and monitored the results. I got some grain. Put it the other side of the main road outside the farm and guess what, it didn’t cross right in front of a truck that ultimately didn’t crush it to death. So maybe grain isn’t why the chicken crossed the road.

Next I set up a to-scale film set and dressed another chicken up like that fella from Pride and Prejudice (obviously I didn’t dunk that chicken in a pond to make it’s shirt wet, almost drowning it, that would be cruel) and got a hen the other side of the main road. Again, no articulated lorry splashed that chickens brains all across the road, and you can rest assured that had any blood landed on my face I wouldn’t have licked it off. So maybe sex appeal wasn’t why chickens crossed the road.

Final chicken experiment, and this is a bit of a weird one, especially for a vegan such as myself. I set up a small frying pan, took some eggs and printed a recipe for an omelette. I wanted to test if the chickens motivations were to save it’s young or if chickens were all bastards who deserved to be made into Thai Green Curry after all. I’m sad to report that on this occasion the chicken did not cross the road. Which is lucky. Because had the chicken in fact crossed the road, it could have knocked a motorcyclist off his bike and sent limbs flying all over the road, which I would have had to dispose of or make into a stew or something and I didn’t want that. My parents would definitely have sensed something was up if my cooking contained meat. I don’t know if I could succeed at pulling that off. “Oh, well as it’s your wedding anniversary, I thought I would do a special dish just for you. Well maybe I’ll just have a little bit…beef actually.” I don’t know if I could have pulled off that innocence. I’m not that much of an actor. (Did you believe I had a secretary at the start? I’m interested).

Now those are the only jokes I would experiment with. I certainly wouldn’t try to, say, get a sheep pregnant with kangaroo DNA to find out what happens if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? (Actually there’s a thought: that monsters still out there. I wonder if it killed again. If you’re thinking of moving to north Wales don’t get too attached to your cat that’s all I’m saying).

My parents were happy for me to stay at the farm for ever and ever and ever. But I wanted to move on. I went to the big city: Aberystwyth. While there I applied my chicken psychological experiments to a somewhat larger animal. My parents paid for me to have a dedicated team of psychiatrists on which I could experiment in the hope of learning how psychiatrists’ worked. I can tell you this about psychiatrists: 9 in every 17 of them will cross the road for a chicken dressed as Colin Firth. I later retried the idea with a chicken dressed as the fella from Poldark. The results were disappointing but nobody was hurt. The chicken was inhumanely destroyed. NOT with a miniature scythe.

In the end all of my psychiatrists let me go home. Which is odd because I was the one in charge of that situation. How does that work? Why did they let me go? That doesn’t make any sense. Did I eat jaffa cakes? No I didn’t. I didn’t not eat jaffa cakes. I didn’t not not eat vegan jaffa…fuck. Sorry. 

What was the question again?

The most frustrating lie is that truth is stranger than fiction.

The best jokes are all lies.

SANDRA!!

Lies.

I was lying before, the truth is…The psychiatrists DID let me go. But I didn’t want to. That’s how it works. Worked. I didn’t choose to leave. I wanted to stay. I’d made the psychiatrists my friends. In fact one right ugly bloke who worked there chose to spend a long weekend as my guest (if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge) in my non-padded office from which I ran operations. But eventually I was forced to leave against my will. I don’t think the psychiatrists wanted me to stay. My practical experiments with Freud’s more oedipal theories were getting a little boring and mundane for them. They wanted to see my fly the nest, like a chicken motivated by grain or the chance to save it’s young from an omelette. It was easy for some of them to see me go. Others found it harder on account of the fact they had suicided themselves with a scythe that someone else must have left on display in a very obvious place like on top of someone else’s tongue, so they found it hard to see anything. I could barely look them in the eyes because I didn’t take their eyes with me.

From that day, I roamed around Wales but I never once went back to visit the farm where my parents had raised me and fed me unborn baby animals. It never occurred to me how cruel the world was. And how awful the truth can sometimes be. I know for a fact that my parents both lived long and happy lives and as their animals remained forever in their farm, trapped, unable to escape across the land and roam free. I also know that the threshing machine was always kept clean the way my father liked it.

Aaaand now you’re backing away. I told you you should have earlier. I don’t know why. I already told you. Nothing I will reveal about myself here is true. But if you come back tomorrow, I’ll tell you a lovely story about the adult man I have living on the ground floor or upstairs of my house. And maybe, if you’re very lucky, I’ll explain where I got the kangaroo seaman. My story tomorrow will definitely reveal that. I hope my lies haven’t entertained you.

JRR Tolkien was definitely a dick. I hope I offended someone with that bit.

I was lying before, the truth is the most frustrating lie is “this is a lie.”

________________________                                                                           

Dan Vine                                                                                                                 

Suspect. Charged.

_

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____________________

DCI Richard Stewart

Inverness Constabulary

I Don't Like Transformers

I have been meaning to do a blog post about my thoughts and feelings on Brexit and the possibility of a second referendum for a long while now, but as it seems to be still such a divisive issue I've instead opted to tell you about a 2017 trip to the cinema...

You see my generic and fictional mate Dave got on the What'sApp group chat and posted "Does anyone want to go to the cinema tonight?" Gotta say I was well up for it. My equally generic mate Tom was up for it, Dick less so, Harry really hates the cinema, Tim not a fan but felt it was better than just lazing in front of the TV all night thinking about how his Polish girlfriend has left him, Doc up for it, Barry never text back. Terry meanwhile did not want to go to the cinema at all. So just about, most of us decided we'd go to the cinema.

Dave immediately left the What'sApp group and made Terry the admin.

Few minutes later Terry texts the group chat again. "Ok guys, I've got tickets to Transformers: The Last Knight at 6:30."

Woah woah woah! I know I was up for going to the cinema but now I have to see Transformers, that's fucking mental!

"You have to respect the will of the What's App Dan!"

Harry is fuming. He doesn't even like films and now he's got a ticket for fucking Transformers. Tim is fine with it. He says the film is shit but anything is better than that whore of a Polish girlfriend who dumped him. Barry's like "well if I knew it was Transformers I would have text back 'no' and then we wouldn't have gone" No one cares Barry, you had your chance! Tom's still up for it, but oddly Dick is coming around to it as he's heard Anthony Hopkins is in this one so it's got to be good right? (Spoiler: its really not)

Guys, settle down. This group chat is getting out of control. Terry! What the hell do you think you're doing? There's so many good films out at the moment, why did you pick Transformers?

In this very simple of circumstances you'd think deciding to go to the cinema is one question, but if people say yes, you should find a list of the films on and then ask what film people want to see.

And here's the thing...what Tom? Yeah I know the ticket prices are stupid and popcorn is a rip off...well we've got the tickets now because you said you wanted to come to the cinema. You knew the price of popcorn before you texted back 'yes' that information was readily available, there's no point in complaining about it now.

Ooh, new message from Tim: "If we're going to the cinema tonight, I guess we're not going to Mick and Larry's joint birthday party tonight." No chance. We don't mind Mick but we don't really like Larry tbh. "Oh, ok, it's just Tam, who is organising the party, says we still have to pay for our share of the cost of the stripper because at the time we agreed to all put money in, we hadn't decided to go to the cinema instead...is that unfair?"

"Look we're going to see Transformers: The Last Knight at 6:30 ok!" texts Terry.

That's really soon Terry, doesn't give us much time to get in and eat after work. Why did you just arbitrarily decide to get the earliest showing? Surely we should have decided on the film before you just randomly set a time to go.

"6:30 is fine, there's plenty of time. By the way, is everyone happy with me as Admin of this group? I think we should spend at least an hour deciding if you're all still happy with me as Admin."

Christ Terry we don't have time for this! You're wasting time that could be spent getting a refund and tickets to a better movie.

Turns out most of us don't want Terry to run the group but we now have to run for the bus because he's pissed about with his stupid popularity contest this whole time. "Ok guys," he texts, "I'm going to make Patrick an admin on the group too."

Not racist, homophobic Pat! He's racist and homophobic and only has like 2 friends!

"None the less, I need him to give me a lift to the cinema tonight, so he's a group admin. Also is there a money tree/cash point en route guys as I owe him £100 for petrol?"

I thought you were skint! Mate you should have just cut across that wheat field out the back of your house, you'd be at the cinema in minutes.

"Oh Dan, you're so naughty."

I have to say Terry, I really think we should have been told you were going to see Transformers when you asked about the cinema and let us choose the films.

Here's the thing Terry, if there's no good films out, it might have been better for us all to stay at home watching a repeat of Mock The Week thinking about Tim's ex-girlfriend.

"You have to respect the will of the What's App Dan, we wanted to go the cinema!"

Yeah, I do, and even if I didn't want to go to the cinema, I would say "hey it'll be a nice night out, I'll get behind it, if there's a half decent film on offer, but if it's Michael how-can-I-fuck-up-ninja-turtles Bay the cost is too damn high. None of us voted for Transformers. Deciding to go somewhere and deciding what you do when you get there are two different things Thers---Terry!" Asking a follow up question doesn't ignore the first question or insult the people who asked it, it just gets us closer to choosing a film that everyone is happy with. I don't understand how you've managed to make asking the What's App group "Is everyone happy with the film I've chosen?" sound like it would be an insult to the What's App group members.

It's not a best of three situation. We accept that going to the cinema is what most people want to do. But I really wish we could all have chosen a film together. Wonder Woman and Baby Driver were both out that week, and I just realised the first series of GLOW came out that week too, something I didn't know at the time Dave asked the original question because it turns out as time moves on we learn more things, so I really should have stayed in.

I should say in all of this Jerry was on my side, but since his argument seemed to basically be "Well, we let all of our granddad's in the group and it was them who chose to go to the cinema and not to be nasty but they'll probably be dead before the end of the trailers," I thought, wow Jerry is a real cunt and I don't want him on my side.

Has anyone seen Dave by the way?

MAN DEVELOPS REPETATIVE STRAIN INJURY AFTER TAPPING ‘NEXT PAGE’ ON CLICKBAIT STORY

Frank Davies claims that as his day started he hadn’t even thought about 1999 teen romantic comedy She’s All That once this century.

But when one journalistic website offered him the chance to see what the cast of She’s All That looked like now, Mr Davies said “I just had to know.

“I knew that it would be unbelievable, because it said it would right there in the link to the article, so how could it not be?”

Upon clicking the link, Mr Davies was disappointed to discover simply a picture of what Freddie Thingy and The-Woman-Whose-Name-He’d-Forgotten looked like on the original VHS cover. After scrolling past the image and several adverts, he found hope for more with a ‘next page’ button.

Mr Davies pushed the button only to find a brief summary of the film’s plot, and all of the same adverts again. After closing the large advert that covered the majority of the page, he uncovered another ‘next page’ button.

The following page just contained the same advert multiple times over and a ‘next page’ button. “By now, my interest in what they looked like now was well and truly piqued. This was a mystery I had to get to the bottom of,” said Mr Davies. “Of course, it occurred to me I could have just googled it at any point in the last eighteen years, but I was too deep now,” he said so he clicked a ‘next page’ button again only to find a brief and factually inaccurate summary of Rachael Leigh Cook’s career outside of the film.

Mr Davies first became aware it was a problem when his wife returned from work to find him glassy-eyed and tapping at an iPhone whose battery had long since died. Mrs Davies took the iPhone from his hand and lead him to bed. Only to find his hands doing the same series of motions in his sleep.

“It was the perfect pattern,” she said, “Close the pop-up, scroll, click next, close the pop-up, scroll, click next.”

A statement on New-Media Advertising Corp website reads, “There’s one simple change that you can make to rid your life of clickbait.

“The simple change takes just two minutes [read more].”

The cast of She’s All That look around two decades older than they did at the time of the movie.