Clowning Around

Since Halloween is coming up, it's time to get scary:

few years ago a mother and a father decided they needed a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town. Alcoholics. So they called their most trusted babysitter. "We won’t be back till 11, better get the trusted babysitter." "Oh but there's so many more comedy capers with the distrusted one." "No!" When the babysitter arrived the two children were already fast asleep in bed. So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children. Later in the night, the babysitter got bored and so she wanted ..............the suspense is killing me...................to watch tv oh. but she couldnt watch it downstairs because they didnt have cable downstairs That seems unusual, why would that be? (the parents didnt want their children watching too much garbage Calling this baby sitter thick are you? Congratulations to the unnamed father for this excuse to get the Pay-Per-View adult channels in the bedroom) so she called them and asked them if she could watch cable tv in the parents room "Yes, we wanted to get away for the night, just fuck off and chill will you? Couldn't have asked us while we were there?" they replied. Of course the parents said it was ok, "of course! Just stop bothering us." but the babysitter had one final request. She asked if she could cover up the large clown statue in their bedroom with a blanket or cloth, because it made her nervous. The phone line was silent for a moment, and the father(who was talking to the babysitter at the time) well either he was talking to her or he was silent, you can't have it both ways said.....take the children and get out of the house.....we'll call the police...we dont have a clown statue....Did we need to be told he was talking to the babysitter there? Who else was he going to talk to? "Take the children and get out of the house...we'll call the police...we don't own a clown statue."

"Oh shit! What the fuck? I'm outta here!! This is freaky"
"Wait. No, we were just talking to the waiter, I can see how that coulda been confusing though. Yeah, we have a clown statue, what's weird about that? I'm glad you bought the clown up though, because I would hate for you to cover it up and us not to know about it." the children and the babysitter got murdered by the clown. But that's the opposite of what the dad said to do! Can't trust teenagers with anything today. She was probably too dumb because of all that cable she watches. it turned out 2 be that the clown was a killer that escaped from jail. Pausing only to steal the clown costume, the warden was planning on wearing to the prison fun run around D-Wing; he'd foolishly left around the place. "We thought it was just the warden as he slipped through the door dressed as a clown," said a spokesman, "we had no idea."

 

In my experience, if you're the type of person who enjoys a bit of serial killing - and who hasn't been bored on a Tuesday night before - it's best to get in there, do the stabby stabby, and get out as quick as possible. Playing statues is fun, but ultimately silly.

if you dont repost this within 5 minutes the clown will be standing next 2 your bed at 3:00am with a knife in his hand.= shit myself You mean they have all these concrete details about two unnamed parents, an unnamed baby sitter, largely unmentioned dead children and they can pin it down to happening between 2009-2011 and the police still haven't caught this man?!

And you shit yourself!? How do you think I feel? It's my bed he'll be beside. I mean I stay up quite late at night (not trying to sound cool, but I am) and I have no idea how I'm gonna get passed him to get into bed. I'm sorry if this is a waste of your time, but I'm reposting it so I don't have to sleep on the sofa and be grouchy at work tomorrow.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING: The baby sitter decided not to bother the parents and threw a sheet over the clown statue. When the parents got home they paid the baby sitter and went upstairs, as they had to whenever they wanted to watch TV, "Wait...we don't have a ghost statue," said the dad.....

i P Freely.

Would you go to the toilet on your brand new £160 iPhone?

That’s what Apple wants you to do. Their new edition of the iPhone, the 6P, will be released in October – in time for the iPhone 7’s release in December – and will include a new app that allows you to urinate using your phone or tablet.

Unrinosity experts at Apple say, in a press release, that they hope to bring “the removal of bodily waste fluids kicking and streaming into the twenty-first century.”

The new iPhone – which Apple CEO Paul McIntosh describes as the “fastest most efficient iPhone yet” in a deliberate attack on companies who produce slower and less functional phones each time – will cost £160 and the app is available to download for the iPhone 5.9999(recurring) for £1.99, however McIntosh says “The app is free to use as long as you have Wi-Fi coverage, so you can be certain that you will not, literally, be pissing your money away if you buy our latest iPhone.”

Waste would be transported, in energy form, through the Wi-Fi or 5G connections where it can be recycled to make Strongbow Cider. McIntosh added that “This is the stuff of science fiction made accessible to today’s market,” and cited the often criticised episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Commander Riker is caught short on an alien world and uses his communicator to avoid having to relieve himself in some bushes which would have invoked the death penalty.

Wallace Cummingham, chairman of the all-party parliamentary committee for public conveniences, called a meeting to discuss the idea and issued a statement to journalists outside the Gents at Westminster station. “We have spent a lot of time in the chamber today pondering the issue. We believe the iPhone represents, continues to represent and has always represented a direct attack on Britain’s public lavatories. While multi-millionaires like Paul McIntosh wipe their arse – forgive my French – with the millions of dollars generated by their iPhones and iPads and iPatches, people are turning away from the 30p conveniences at our train stations, meaning the train lines are hit and forced to make cutbacks. Primary London Connections, who operate commuter trains into London from the surrounding towns in Hertfordshire, can no longer afford to buy the air fresheners needed to remove the smell of piss – pardon my French – from their trains. I believe, based on the evidence I’ve seen, that this is a direct result of commuter's refusal to pay 30p when they need to make use of the facilities.”

When his points were put to Mr McIntosh, McIntosh responded that, “Actually we have seen an increase in the amount of time people spend in the toilet since the invention of the iPhone. Business meetings, arrangements to go out for the night, the lining up of candy in the correct order to be crushed can all now be carried out in the comfort of one’s toilet.”

“Oh please!! –Pardon my French,” Mr Cummingham responded. He has argued consistently that the iPhone has been an attack on the public lavatory industry since its invention in 2007. The release of the iPhone 1 with its smooth screen, provided the perfect flat shiny surfect to inhale cocaine from and took away many consumers who would previously have visited public lavatories. “Many of many fellow politicians have seen this evidence and could vouch for it”, he said libellously and in direct quotes to protect the writer of any news articles. "And many of my fellow MPs have stopped visiting public toilets all together since the invention of Grindr! - Pardon my French and raging homophobia," said the Conservative Peer.

Perhaps Mr Cummingham and the iPhone detractors will be comforted by the fact that, due to decency laws, in order to use the iPee app, users will have to go into a toilet before they remove their penis or lady parts.

The iPhone 6P will not yet allow consumers to do a number 2 - due to it being incredibly impractical to find a simple keypad on most smartphones numbers 1 and 3-9 will be quite hard to find too. “Defecation is something we’re all working on,” said Paul McIntosh, “but the problem we have encountered is how do you call your friends and poo at the same time with the same device? We have found many people like to do both simultaneously now. We
really need to find somewhere we can sit for a good long time and have a really good think about these things.”

Other changes to the new iPhone will include the removal of the camera on the front after a prototype for the 6P was given to New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner and an accident with the camera mode and iPee app put his bid in Carlossal
Danger. There will also, despite rumours, not be an iPhone 6P-Mini released just a month later as Mr McIntosh put it: “We feel the iPee app may not work if a man should find himself in a situation where he was trying to use it but caught sight of a man with a bigger iPhone urinating next to him.”

“Look,” he added as a final comment to his critics like Wallace Cummingham, “It’s not a vendetta. We just want to make life better for everyone, especially ourselves. It’s not an attack on the public toilets of Britain,” he laughed, “I’m sure we’ve also put some of those iconic British phone boxes of yours out of commission too!”

Mr Cummingham had no comment to make. Since 2007, telephone boxes had been merged into his department for public conveniences.   

The Pervert in the Petrol Station

Please read, and pass on. Ok, that's what I'll do. And I'll even add some thoughts of my own, that's how seriously I'm taking it.

An important message from the Police - please pass this along to all the women you know.....Capital P? There now follows a message from Sting, listen up.

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 FLEET SERVICES!!! I've literally never seen an official police report that starts with "This actually happened" I think that's taken as read when it's in a police report. It's almost like you're trying too hard to convince me it's true because it probably isn't. I'll read on.

It was early evening, and a young girl stopped to get petrol. That's about the usual amount of detail you'd keep on a crime victim. She filled her tank she thought driving army vehicles would keep her safe, how wrong she was! hahaa! and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her, 'Don't pay for your petrol yet......walk around the store for a while, and act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. Up-selling. A man just got into the back of your car. I've called the police, and they're on their way'. 'Looking at you, I doubt you could have a boyfriend or anything, so I just rang the cops straight away.'

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang, and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go. According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here, originating from London. The scary part of this is, because the guy didn't have a weapon on him, So far this is the only thing that isn't scary. Turns out he was unarmed, arrested and helped the police with their inquiries with no fuss. Shit-scary. the police could only charge him with trespassing....I'm now lawyer, but I'm pretty sure 'attempted rape,' 'intent to kidnap' and 'organised gang crime' are still frowned upon by the courts.

He's back on the street and free to try again. Something similar to this happened at the Tesco garage on Cardiff Road in Newport recently, but luckily the cashier saw the man get into her car. Please be aware of what's going on around you, and warn your family and friends.

LADIES, you or one of your family or friends could be the next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not discard this message; it is very important that everyone knows what is happening. Please be careful when leaving your vehicle, and make sure it is ALWAYS LOCKED to prevent this from happening to you.

FROM THE MET POLICE
In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews, I I, the Met Police, think it is important to read the following info for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please take the time to read these pointers. There may be just one or two you hadn't thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Dial 999? Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. Genuinely quite interesting. Although Tae Kwon Do is a bit cheeky claiming the credit for human evolution.  If you are close enough to use it, do! Do NOT get closer just for the sake of using it. Should add that here, because if you believe some of this stuff, you might just be dumb enough to do that. I mean this is genuinely good advice tbf.

2. Dial 999? if a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you..... He is probably more interested in your handbag than you, Oh well done Sherlock. "Can I have your handbag?" "What is it you really want here?" and he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Still good advice. Although, "go fetch it" might piss him off a bit.

3. Dial 999? if you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Dial 999? Kick out the back tail lights, and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Other road users who see this will call 999 when they've stopped laughing. This is good advice and probably something you hadn't thought of, I guess coz you're not paranoid.

4. Dial 999 Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc In case you were confused as to when women might use a car, some examples., and just sit (doing their cheque book do people still use cheque books? And what are you doing in a cheque book when not writing out a cheque to pay for something? It's not like Sudoku, something to do to kill time. Stupid women or making a list Shopping's done. What next. Guess I'll make a shopping list). DON'T DO THIS! As I've pointed out it's silly. Apply some make up, adjust the chair and find that Olly Murs CD you like, it's probably in the door on the passenger side. A predator could be watching you you guys know that's just a movie right? and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. How do you leave with the doors locked? Oh I see.

5. Dial 999? A few notes about getting into your car in car park: And getting out again without showing the paps your pants
a) Dial 999? Be aware: look around you, look into your car, look at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat. And anything else that means you spend as much time outside your car as possible. Remember a killer is far more likely to be inside your car than in an open space. Warning! This may result in some overzealous petrol station attendant calling the police because it looks like you're checking over a car to steal. Also there's no advice on what to do if you find someone there. Maybe you could dial something?
b) Dial 999? If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attacker’s surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. Remember vans are evil. Don't leave yourself exposed. Crawl slowly and with difficulty across from the passenger side. The criminals almost certainly won’t think to get out and go around the car. REMEMBER: Use caution. If you accidentally sit on the gear stick trying to manoeuvre across you may accidentally be raped by your car. Might e-mail the police; ask if they need someone to proof read their warnings about attacker's. And maybe find out if they have any statistics we could use to back up their fear mongering.
c) Dial 999? Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) Certainly is better to be paranoid than dead. And you should not be afraid to look like an idiot. And remember when going back to the shop, walk backwards and don't take your eyes off the man you've just pretty much walked up to, (better to look like a mad woman than a dead woman).

6. Dial 999? ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone, and the perfect crime spot.* This post accepts no responsibility for women who become trapped in broken down lifts, either alone or with killers.

7. Dial 999? if the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT BE A VITAL ORGAN. "Well he shot me in the leg and caught up with me, but as I was being raped I thought how lucky I was to have my spleen intact." It's probably not bad advice, half the time he won’t even shoot you, but I just don't find anything terribly reassuring about the phrase "it most likely will not be a vital organ."

8. Dial 999? As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Well, that’s my new favourite sentence ever! I laughed so hard Pepsi came out of my nose, along with everything else I've eaten today. Was this written in the 1950s? "You women are always trying to be nice and pleasant to people and making them tea. Well don't. It'll end up getting your raped or killed you silly billy." Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, Yeah, but he had a dark side too. Remember women, good-looking men are as evil as the ugly ones. Good looking men, ugly men, all men really. Every man you see is out to murder you, don't you ever forget that (if I'm ever wrongly accused of murder, that bit it totally getting read out in court) who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women, ALWAYS. Not just for his murders. He got so many free drinks and queue jumps too. The prick. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" As human beings we feel an urge to help those with disabilities. Stop it. It may get you raped or killed. into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. I mean, yeah he did those things, but that doesn't mean the "met police" or "sado who wrote this stuff" have to warn a whole gender that being nice will get them killed.

9. Another safety point: Dial 999?
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last I said "what luck! I'm halfway through writing something staggeringly relevant", and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. "hmmm..." she thought, "That's odd." The police, who refer to themselves in the third person, because they forgot this is meant to be them writing, told her, 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. "hi guys, me again. You know when I said, it was a baby crying by the door, it's actually more like the sound of a baby crying by the window." The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way. Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' It could be a killer baby. He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes, thinking that someone dropped off a baby. "Hmmm, someone’s dropped off a baby, let me check my amazon history I'm sure I didn't order that. That's odd." He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls from women saying that they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. But had decided each time that it wasn't important to investigate or even verify that it was true.

I'd like to break at this point for a little play I like to call, the Baby Killers:

JOHN: "It's no fucking use Baz. I just can't get the hang of lock picking!"
BARRY: "Well, just break the door down John."
JOHN: "Owww. My fucking shoulder. This is stupid Baz. I was really looking forward to raping and murdering her too. I guess I'll just go home to the wife. But the baby will keep me up half the night....John, I've just had an idea, do you still have that tape recorder."

I'm working on a sequel where John invents a tape recorder that can crawl between the door and the window. I think I could take it to the fringe.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. Most likely, they'll think I'm some creep sending them stuff about attempted rape
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. !!!!  Send this to any woman you know who may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it, and it's better safe than sorry. I did just read that in there didn't I? A candle is not dimmed by the lighting of another candle.

"Linda, we have this rape gang case and we want to put out some advice on how young women can protect themselves."
"Finally! A chance to use my poetry A Level."
"Well, this is official police advice so we really just want the basic 'stay safe, because people be crazies' and 'don't be sympathetic to people' stuff."
"Can I at least use my candle metaphor?"
"If you must."
"And can I use the word 'crazies' in an official police document."
"Oh I guess. Just don't forget to mention dialling 999."
"I won’t."

TO ALL CAR OWNERS AND CAR DRIVERS: PLEASE READ

Warning!!!! Be aware of new car-jacking scheme ..You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift or put into reverse. That's not carjacking, that's just driving. You look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space, and you notice apiece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift the gear stick back into park or neutral, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper, or whatever it is that is obstructing your view. It probably was the paper.
When you reach the back of your car that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, Using their magic. Make them disappear again using the spells you learnt in defence against the dark arseholes jump into your car and takeoff!! Your engine was running, you would have left your purse in the car, and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. Because multiple car jackers wouldn't have a problem running you down, but would be too scared to attack you before this point.
BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN LONDON , MANCHESTER , AND MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!! "After successful trials in London and Manchester we have decided to expand our criminal activities into other areas," said a spokesman.

Just drive away, and remove the paper later! Don't worry, an obstructed view is far less dangerous than simply removing the leaflet left their by the owner of that new cafe in town and the lawyer will agree when you back into a pensioner, a good lawyer will get you off with just trespassing. It is stuck to your window, I know, you said that. If it wasn't on the window, what would be the problem? and be thankful that you read this email. I am. It's cheered me up, although I imagine it would make some people needlessly afraid to leave the house. Still better to be terrified of everyone and everything than dead. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, friends yes. Family, no, I used the word 'fuck' and my mum doesn't know I know that word especially to women! Not to women, it'll scare the shit out of them. A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys! Who does? Who's got me keys? Fuck!

Well, we've all had some fun with rape here today, but what have we learnt?

I'm not saying, don't take any of this advice, I'm just saying most of the stories contained in this are obviously bullshit and the ones that aren't, are in pretty poor taste. Just trust that the police would probably go to the papers and local authorities with a problem like this rather than suggest you repost them. Despite their bright colours and funny hats, the police aren't that attention seeking.

CREDITS (where they're due): Thanks to Zeta, Lee and Ben who joked about this with me last night and contributed all the funniest bits of this blog. Also to the people who reposted this so I saw it in the first place - I don't want to discourage you from posting more of them, because they really are terribly funny. Thanks guys.

Mothballs.

Friends, Moths, Countrymen: stand by your light bulbs. There now follows an announcement from the Queen Moth herself. May the light bulbs shine bright upon her.

My fellow moths, for too many years now we have been seen as third class citizens on this planet that we call Mothworld, that the humans call Earth and that the grasshoppers call Derek.

The Humans put themselves above all others, believing themselves to be the most intelligent of all of Mothworld’s inhabitants, although the Tigers can, and do, eat them so a moth must ask themselves who is cleverer there: The creature who invented torches or the creature that devours them? The Humans allow our enemies, the cats, into their homes, they allow dogs and gerbils and even sometimes snakes to live with them while we moths - who ask for only a bit of light - are flung out in glasses with a bit of cardboard underneath like we were no better than those paedophile spiders. Statistics back up that accusation. They show that many spiders are paedophiles, a scandal that goes right to the top of the eight-legged community however the tarantulas work hard to cover up the wrong doings of their smaller cohorts. As many as one in three children have found spiders lurking in their baths when they get undressed or building webs above their shower cubicles. They are bigger perverts than the millipedes who are, after all, just the centipede equivalent of the Human-centipede. They’re centipede-centipedes. Sick.

But enough of this casual insectoid racism. I say no more! No more will we moths be made to feel like third class citizens on our own planet. It is time we fight back. Sure today we may think that a glass is the humane way – or as we say mothane way – to be treated when we enter a Human dwelling, but that is probably how it started with the fish and now they are placed in whole glass bowls by the Humans and drowned, alongside tiny Human divers - deemed too small to contribute anything to society they are buried at the bottom of the bowl with their tiny castles.

I tell you now moths, I will not let this happen to my people!

As you are all good God fearing moths, you will know that we worship Him, the one we call the one, the one true guiding light. That omnipresent light that binds us all and shows us the way. The light that is in our hearts. MothGod.

But there are those who would turn their backs on the MothGod’s teachings: Those that would not turn the other wing or would worship the false light of the moon. Our society cannot adopt them, we cannot let ourselves be tainted by these kuffar morons and so we have, regrettably and with great pleasure, cast them out.

The worst offenders of all though, those that we simply cannot allow to wreak havoc on our moth principles are the gays. For is it not written in the book of Lepidoptorus that he who paints his wings many colours should be banished from society to “flutter by” into the darkness of the daytime where they will find no electric light bulbs for sustenance and will surely die alone in the dark. Surely that is the only reasonable punishment for a wing-painter who would insist that Moth and Grace is a sitcom that has something to say and that dance music is “actually kinda ok.” These creatures bring shame to the name moth and so we name them butterflies after our two least favourite things; flies that go around feeling superior and spreading their disease and butter with its bright yellow false light that lives in cold cabinets full of trick light that expires the moment we are inside.

Recently however, there have been calls for us to be more lenient on the butterfly community and so we sent two investigators to spy on their lifestyle and report back on whether the wing-painting butterfly radicals should be allowed to get married.

These investigators were asked to stay up all day and report on the butterfly behaviour they observed. They never returned. There is a transcript of what they found. Some of its content may shock you. At times they may seem delirious though lack of sleep or light but we have confirmed every bit of this report is true. Here is the transcript:

Oh my light! Sweet bulb!

Is it really…?

It totally is…!

It’s amazing…!

I don’t know if you can see this. Probably not as we don’t have camera’s but there is light!

Praise be to bulb!

Praise be to bulb!

You won’t believe how bright it is.

There’s like a big bulb, way up high. Higher than the moon (spits) and it is so bright.

Yeah. I mean it took a bit of time to light up but, Torch All Mighty, it’s bright.

It’s like the one true light if that wasn’t probably a metaphor.

If this is what daytime is like, I like boys now.

Me too. I want to be a butterfly.

F*ck me. Fu*k me hard.

Er…No.

Wing painter!

Shocking stuff, but the top moth scientists have confirmed the presence of a giant light bulb in the sky, which apparently lights up gradually in the morning, but then what energy saving light bulb doesn’t these days? I spit on energy saving light bulbs (spits) and it appears there is some evil dimmer switch applied at dusk, but it is still the brightest light we have seen. The Humans name it Sun after the newspaper they would swat us with, but that is an insult! To name such a beauty after a newspaper is unforgivable. It is our saviour, our God, our Guardian.

The report filed by our scientists suggests that the idea needed to make such a light bulb as this appear can only have come from a “God-like” brain and that below it must surely be the head of the MothGod.

My Moths we can reach The Sun…I mean the Guardian. By day humans have employed an army of birds to fly between us and the light and put something called space in between the birds and the Guardian, but we shall get there. Here is what we must do. We must fly into the homes of mankind’s women who will shriek and send their men to get the glass and the piece of cardboard before they can go to bed. Do not expend too much energy for we have a long flight ahead and once the light bulb, window and head of the Human had been bumped into a few times, the mere knowledge of our presence will so rattle the Human that she will feel compelled to deal with us before she can sleep peacefully.

Allow yourself to be captured. I know, but patience. Once inside the glass, the old beer mat or bank statement will seal you inside, trapping not only you but also the air around you.

Next we shall need a distraction. You see it is my plan that we fly away in our airtight glass pods through the vacuum of space to the Guardian, but we must distract mankind from our actions, but due to our intense hypnotism as long as we are in the room the Humans will be able to focus on nothing but us and will not let us escape with the glass.

Fortunately there is one who can break our spell over the Humans; a bringer of chaos, who wallows in anarchy and is the only thing powerful and distracting enough to draw the Human brain away from us. I have spoken today with Old Father Long Legs, he and his fellow kind will come outside the windows of the Human hovels and jump in when they are opened leaving us to fly away and soar up to the Light.

Old Father Long Legs asks nothing in return for they simply delight in anarchy and chaos and they just love bouncing.

If all goes to plan, my people, I will see you at the Light. God speed, or as we say, Light speed to you all.

(The Moth National Anthem: There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths plays)

Cut To Black

James Gandolfini last week experienced the final cut to black. 

Oh Spoilers if you haven’t seen it by the way. But you should have seen it by now. In fact I should have seen it before last year, when I eventually did. My initial instinct when I heard the news about Gandolfini was to make some joke about him being clipped by the New York families, but I resisted – at any rate I did two meaningful upset tweets with YouTube clips of him being brilliant – before I made the final cut to black reference. 

The Sopranos was such a massive part of my life last year – for some reason I still think in academic years (probably because I’m not that academic) so I’m talking from July 2011-July 2012 – actually it would have been around this time a year ago that I was sitting down to watch the last ever episode of The Sopranos. In July 2011 I was moving in for a year with some friends and three of us decided to invest in a box set we could spend our evenings watching. The Sopranos was always on, and often top of, lists of the greatest television shows ever and so it didn’t seem too foolish to spend £60 on the complete box set in the HMV sale without having seen a single episode. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect, I probably thought I wanted to see what the fuss was about, but didn’t expect to like it. A lot of the praise poured on The Sopranos was similar to that lavished on The Godfather trilogy from the same genre, and when I eventually gave into the hype and watched those films I was never really a fan. I sat through one and two and cultivated a mild interest in the events that were unfolding on the screen, but to be honest I couldn't really give two fucks about those people. I was interested but not engaged with the characters. That’s the problem with Mafia types they do come across as dicks, largely on account of how much dickishness goes on in their line of work. 

That’s why I love The Sopranos because Tony Soprano wasn't a dick. Well he was a dick. But he wasn't a dick. I mean he obviously was. I mean...oh I don't know. And that's why James Gandolfini, and of course the writers and supporting cast, are so good. I honestly don't know. I spent a year watching this man commit countless murders but damn I wanted him to get away with them. That’s a hard thing to pull off. I was too morally uptight to carry on watching Dexter when I realised I wanted everyone to succeed except that repugnant cold blooded killer. (Yes, I know he has a code. That’s what 98% of the worlds truly evil people tell themselves). 

The Sopranos tagline is "Family Redefined" and that's really quite apt. Really it’s a show about family and Tony's attempts to balance his biological family life with his mafia family is the heart of the show. Roughly equal screen time is given to each and the characters are all strong. Both sides have a range of characters and storylines that are almost as complex as Tony's. Both have people you love and people you hate. I mean, if I'm honest, I find the murderers of the mafia vile, but Id far rather see Tony's fucking sister whacked than any of them. 

James Gandolfini's job is to stride across these two plot lines. He jumps from proudly showing Meadow around uni open days to clipping an FBI informant in the space of an episode, that moral ambiguity is where Gandolfini is amazing. Is his heart in the right place? 

James Gandolfini's death is like so much of The Sopranos all the more horrible because you don't see it coming. For six seasons it's some of the most shocking television I have ever seen. That’s shocking as in surprising, not shocking as in shit by the way, unless you include the scenes with Tony's fucking sister. In any scene where there’s rising tensions between two characters you have to start wondering how long it is before someone gets shot. Christopher being shot is a total WTF moment (apologies for that moronic sounding sentence but its true) and even when you’ve read this, you won’t be expecting it. Leading characters get clipped left, right and centre. Nobody, literally, is safe. And the deaths are brutal. The penultimate episode, which sees shit get real and the characters go into hiding, is the most tense I've been watching TV, because you know someone big is going to die. You know because someone you thought would be around at the end was brutally dealt with weeks before with four episodes left and so nobody was safe to be still alive by the end of it. Edge of your seat is a cliché that's only ever really true of Doctor Who and Deal or No Deal but I watched a lot of The Sopranos resisting the urge to jump right up off the sofa - because I am British, it wouldn't be seemly and we had low ceilings in our basement living room. 

But then there were so many moments of The Sopranos where we were sat back in our seats, tempted to look at our Facebook’s. Sopranos moves fast but knows when to develop slow. So much of The Sopranos is slow and will focus on conversations, meals, family get-togethers and mafia sit-downs. Sometimes they seem to be discussing irrelevancies - a restaurant they like, or a place they've always wanted to visit - but not a word is wasted, it all goes to character development. Nobody is left 2D. The real quiet moments come between Tony and Doctor Melfi his psychiatrist who is helping him deal with his inevitable stress. These would be so easy to make like the interview segments in Parks and Recreation or any other number of audience asides (that's my A Level in drama talking there), you know where they go "of course I think The Sopranos is a totally brilliant and in depth show," and then it cuts to them alone going "I’m totally just watching it because Tony’s daughter is hot." But these are scenes all about restraint. It differs between the totally restrained and the all out "lets fuck" sexual tension. Half the time Tony appears to only be there to play mind games with Dr Melfi, or because he’s bored. Sometimes he wants to discuss his problems, sometimes he doesn’t, and sometimes he wants to have sex with her senseless. So intriguing and deep are Tony’s therapy sessions that eventually Dr Melfi ends up seeing a psychiatrist! (Who, by the way, is a total arse but entertainingly so. He’s pretty well developed for such a minor and knobbish character).

The scenes between Tony and his families can be equally tense, loving, angry, violent and oddly full of sexual chemistry. Long running storylines include him dealing with his daughter moving to college and falling in love with a black(ish) boyfriend, his son’s falling grades at school while acting the big man because of who his dad is and falling in love with a woman with a baby. His constant lies and hiding details of his mafia life and money from his wife and their on/off arguing that ends with him living in the summer house for most of a season is another major story thread. There’s even a suicide attempt in there (another minor spoiler, but again an “Oh shit” moment that’s perfectly done) oh and a bear casually wandering around the garden on a few occasions plus of course his fucking arse-ache of a sister and his controlling mother who, in the first two seasons, seems to be the real manipulative power behind both his families. Not to mention Carmella fancying the effortlessly beautiful Furio.

Meanwhile in Gangster life he has to deal with FBI informants and investigations, Christopher’s drug use, his (quite sensible) trust issues with all of his crew, his senile uncle junior whose carer Bobby is going out with his fucking sister, his numerous affairs with many exotic foreign women, the gangs of New York and Carmine Lupertazzi and lil’ Carmine (which sounds like a ventriloquist act but is far more threatening in the show) and Phil Leotardo, Vito being gay, numerous murders and sit downs and debts to be repaid. Oh and being shot by his own senile uncle. Probably the best quiet slow moment from the mafia side of things – and there are loads to choose from – is the FBI listening in to  Pussy crying in the toilet at Tony’s house party because he’s wearing a wire and supplying them with evidence. I feel like I should say for crying in the toilets he lives up to his name, but he really doesn’t, he’s actually quite a brave but weak character and Tony’s best friend, who is crippled with guilt and shame because of what he’s doing and overcome with fear, so rather than make any kind of cheap joke, I’m just going to celebrate this awesome character and say I love Pussy. Damn.

A lot has been written about how violent and sweary The Sopranos is, which is wrong because they missed out the huge amount of fucking that goes on. And a lot of people have talked about how deep and developed the characters are, but there is yet even more to The Sopranos. At times, it can be just plain weird. A couple of episodes take place almost entirely in dreams, which like dreams are complicated, full of imagery and make less sense than the decision to put Russell Brand on Question Time. One memorable image that turned up haunting my dreams afterwards is Pussy reincarnated as a talking fish (a sentence not used often since Salvador Dali’s attempt to write erotica). Of course these all delve deep into the psychology of the dreamer and push forward how we see Tony – the talking fish Pussy really pushes forward our understanding of their relationship and makes what happens next more interesting and bloody – we just need a commentary track from Sigmund Freud or an English student who paid more attention than me, to get through some of this imagery. When Tony is shot and spends three episodes in a coma, he has a weird Life On Mars type experience where he learns to live life as Kevin Finnerty, a travelling salesman – Gandolfini playing Finnerty but not really knowing whether he’s Tony or Kevin is pitched brilliantly by the way, since I was meant to be praising Gandolfini when I started this now seems as good a time as any to mention his name again.

The one thing I wasn’t really expecting to be as present in The Sopranos before I saw it, and the thing it seems people still don’t talk about much now, is how bloody hilarious it is. As early as episode two Silvio Dante does his first “Just when I thought I was out….they pull me back in” impression. In a first series where you don’t really know which characters you can trust or like, that brilliant scene pretty much meant that whatever Sil did over the next six years I would be on his side – and to be fair, Sil is by far the most loyal character in there. In one series three episode Christopher and Paulie get lost in the forest when they are sent to do a routine collection for Sil while he is ill. Paulie, angry at having to do Sil’s work kicks off and in the fight they believe they have killed the Russian they were sent to collect from so drive him to the woods to dispose of the body, only to discover he isn’t dead. They force him to dig his own grave but while Paulie and Christopher are arguing he attacks them and  runs off. While looking for him Paulie loses a shoe and won’t shut up about it, while Christopher hasn’t eaten yet today. The whole episode is a hilarious argument between the two of them who think they are going to die out there in the woods. It’s silly and hilarious and witty and one of the most character defining episodes for the two of them.

Christopher is often involved in the funny plotlines. His desire to be a writer is a continuing story and in series six he travels to LA to make Cleaver his movie idea that’s The Godfather meets Saw. Ben Kingsley does a brilliant Extras-worthy performance as himself when Christopher tries to cast him in the film. From that point on, its fun watching the number of times a piece of Cleaver merchandise turns up in the background, or the number of mentions it gets. It’s a wonderful running joke. It’s tragic because it sounds like a terrible film and is Christopher’s hope for a way out of the mafia life, but it’ll never happen because it’s not good enough or because the realities of his mafia life always bring him back down.

Also, the Curb Your Enthusiasm scene is as funny as anything Curb has done itself.

The best scene of The Sopranos comes in series four in a story where Christopher’s drug use gets out of hand. The crew gather to stage an intervention and it’s less than sympathetic. As always Tony, Sil and Paulie steal the scene.

Obviously I can’t talk about The Sopranos without mentioning the end. I’m going to steer clear of any big plot spoilers but I am going to talk about the last scene and the big thing that happens. It’s been parodied everywhere – in fact I saw the Family Guy two part episode Lois Kills Stewie halfway through watching The Sopranos so thanks for that McFarlane you fucker. What I’m saying is, if you already know the thing that happens at the end, then you don’t need to worry, I won’t reveal more than that. If you don’t know it, skip to the bottom where I’ll post a video of James Gandolfini in In The Loop just for you.

So, that last scene, I have to talk about it. At the end of the episode Tony goes to a diner to meet his family and puts Don’t Stop Believing by Journey on the jukebox. You have to remember that this is before it was cheesy overplayed oh-you-know-the-song-from-Glee and watching six seasons of The Sopranos is the best cure for anyone who is sick of hearing that song. Everything is over, the story is largely rounded off and Tony sits there and orders some onion rings. A number of dodgy looking customers come through the door and Tony has his eye on them all. Then he is joined by his wife and son and they have a normal little chat about life and their plans. Meadow is on her way, but has been to see the doctor about her birth control – ooh, clearly setting up something. Typical woman, she is struggling to park her needlessly large car outside. Meanwhile Tony, AJ and Carmela shoot the breeze a bit more about AJ’s entry level job, as Tony keeps an eye on the suspect customers, one of whom enter the toilets. Meadow has finally parked the car. Inside at the table the onion rings arrive. Outside Meadow crosses the road to the restaurant. Inside Tony, AJ and Carmella tuck into the onion rings and then

End credits roll.

First time it was shown half of America thought their TV’s had broken in the middle of the most important bit of TV drama of the decade. Some love it. Some hate it. Some think it was a waste of six years of their lives. I love it. After six years of stunning, shocking twists they did the one thing that could still shock us. They could have had them having a lovely meal and vowing to live a normal life – that would have been a lovely and we kinda want to see that, but it would hardly be exciting. They could have killed Tony and garnished the onion rings with a side of brain meat in front of his screaming family – it would have been what he deserved, it may have felt right, or wrong, but it would hardly have been gripping. Nothing happens, it about the most dramatic and risky twist any TV show can pull and The Sopranos has the cahonas to do it.

And now, as promised, James Gandolfini in In The Loop vs. Malcolm Tucker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwGZinTeodc