It's A Kind of Magic, I suppose

We have Magic FM on at work at the moment. We need something that can fade into the background and everyone can agree on so Magic FM, like most of commercial radio to be fair, fits the bill. You can be certain what you hear wont be too controversial because it's the same songs that were on at that time yesterday only with slightly different topical DJs comments in between. Today he said "its' the wettest January since 1870, if you can believe that." *looks out the window, remembers all the news has been banging on about since the Queen's, Pope's and Archbishop's Christmas messages* yeah I actually can believe that.

It's good background stuff though, the most modern and controversial they get is the soundtrack to Despicable Me 2. Now that is a good song. Gotta love Pharrell. Was anyone else slightly disappointed that Peter Capaldi's costume didn't include that hat?

There are traffic and travel updates every 20 minutes as well, which is nice because you know the customers got home from the pub safe when you don't hear anything on the news.

The actual news is also a good in the pub because it gets an animated conversation started around the bar, usually one about paedophiles or flooding at the moment. Does anybody else wonder, if God sent the floods because of gay marriage what the heck's gonna happen when he finds out what Ken Barlow got up to? I'm building an ark from the blueprints they discovered, according to the news, just in case.

Yesterday they told us that: if you want to get a catchy song out of your head you should hum another song "like 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' or the national anthem" and that will get the first song out of your head.That was on the news. The actual news for the 31st January 2014 was that. The actual fucking news. I could have told them that. We were told "scientists have found that" as if that immediately makes it news! It wasn't some experiment, they just happened to notice it in the course of their day! They could equally have reported that "chef's have discovered that," of "antiques dealers have discovered" or "convicted housebreakers have discovered" we've all bloody discovered! Scientists are slow on this one. And even if we didn't know it already: STILL NOT NEWS! How greatly is the world being improved by that? The reason I've never had a great novel published isn't solely coz I've got an awful song stuck in my head and if it was replacing it with 'The Final Countdown' would not fix that!

We need to find something to replace the adverts too. In one ad break on Magic FM we went through adverts reminding you to write your will, an advert offering services to help you through a divorce (legal services, not a hooker) and an incredibly dodgey advert from the NSPCC called 'The Underwear Rule' which advises you on how to warn your kids about paedophiles. I'm sure when I was a kid, I was told "don't talk to strangers" and "don't accept sweets", although I ignored both rules, how do you make friends if you don't talk to strangers? And more importantly, sweets! If you say no to sweets, you're a fool! Worry about your weight when you're older. This new advert though has a mother asking her child what the underwear rule is and a kid tells his mother it's that "the parts of my body that are in my underwear are private" someone should have told prince Harry, "and if anyone tries to touch me there, I should tell you."
"Very good," says the mother.
"Can I have a prize for remembering? I want a giraffe," says the child.
If I got given a pet tiger whenever I got touched up, I'd be walking down the street shouting paedophile at everyone who passed. You can't offer a prize for having your junk handled by the bloke from Corrie in the park, kids will be asking people to fondle them.

There's also an RSPCA advert now advising parents not to give giraffes as a present in any circumstances.

Back to the music. They do these sections of '40 minutes of uninterrupted hits.' Apparently 'uninterrupted' by anything apart from adverts and DJs talking, but you never read the small print do you?

I say 'hits,' the other day they played another one of Rick Astley's songs. Yeah, you heard right, there's another Rick Astley song! It's called 'Givin' Up On Love,' does that mean in your famous song you were lying to us Rick? Suddenly the world seemed like a harsher, colder, less cheesy place.

One of my favourite often repeated songs on Magic FM is Bruno Mars's latest unnoticeable snore generator 'When I Was Your Man.' In which he whines that "I should have bought you flowers and held your hand." Yeah? Well you should have thought of that before you went and did a silly thing like catch a grenade just to impress her you twit! She just wanted to hold your hand but you went and blew it up to impress a girl. Who catches a grenade Bruno? Who does that? Bat it back in the direction of the thrower! And also, if you're going out with a woman someone is chucking grenades at you've got to ask if she's really ideal girlfriend material.
So I guess you can't simultaneously hold her hand and buy her flowers, but you can still do one at a time can't you? Oh no, coz some idiot went and threw his other hand on a blade for her. You ever consider using a blade to cook for her? You are such a show off Bruno. Get the knife, chop some onions, make her a nice meal, she's yours. Don't go "hey, look what I can do. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Aren't I tough? Marry me."
Well at least you're still able to go on long romantic walks with her, well if you hadn't jumped in front of a train for her that time. It's not like in cartoons Bruno, you wont just fall off the front of the train at Kings Cross, you're gonna get fucked up and delay everyone's journey. It's one thing to do it out of depression, doing it to impress a girl who wants flowers and hand holding is frankly, selfish, stupid and not as effective as getting on a train and taking her for a day out.
Will you ever learn? Not now you've taken that bullet through the brain for her you wont. And again, who is shooting at your girlfriend Bruno? I think if assassins are after you that's really the kind of thing that you should bring up early on in a relationship. Given how callous she seems to be about using her dates as a human shield in these situations, I don't think you need to worry about whether holding her hand and buying her flowers would have saved the relationship, she sounds like a bitch.

"Coz my heart breaks a little when I hear your name, it all just sounds like uh, uh, uh."
"uh, uh, uh"? Have you forgotten her name Bruno? Not gonna lie, this is a terrible relationship you are both far better off out of it.

For balance, in case I've been too mean to Bruno Mars and coz we should end on a positive note, his video with Mr Spock is very very good. Goodbye internet.

 

 

If that's stuck in your head now, just think of 'The Final Countdown.' 

 



 

 

Blog Written On A Phone

Hello the internet.

Sorry I've been away a while, this is due to devoting more of my time to work and thinking of a better excuse not to blog.

I have, however, checked in on how you were getting on, internet, while I have been away.

I've been watching a lot of your videos, around 86% of which would totally change your opinion of me, and cause the public Wi-Fi hotspot you're using to block my blog. However pornography and animals that think they're peoples aside (those are two separate types of video before you go and make a thing) there have been some actually thought provoking videos (no that Russell Brand Newsnight interview doesn't count but we'll discuss that some other time).

In the last couple of days I've seen the following video posted on Facebook several times by my friends. The title of the blog linked to on Facebook is "After I saw this, I put my phone down and didn't pick it up for the rest of the day..." I was intrigued. Could I really be persuaded to put my phone down for a day? Let's see.

Well, first of all, I did put my phone down after watching it. If the title is a statement about the shoddy battery life on a Nokia Lumia 800, this is a pretty good video that highlights the inability to watch 2 minutes of YouTube while signed into Facebook chat.

My next thought is, bit preachy. I mean if a preacher were to get up and preach to a class about the correct way of preaching that would be a little less preachy than this video. What it's trying to say of course is that mobile phones are terrible. The fact that I watched this on my phone and, I suspect, some of my friends did and then we used our phones to spread the message is an ironic side effect charstarleneTV was probably hoping nobody would notice. I only hope for her sake this wasn't filmed on a phone too.

I find myself constantly being told that people use their phones too much or that my more mature friends are quitting Facebook because it’s boring. It's not boring. No way is it boring. It’s an interconnected database of millions of people sharing their lives, loves, opinions, sorrows, faux sorrows that seem important when you're in sixth form, campaigns for the least appropriate people to be prime minister, photos, friendships, jobs, relationships, jokes about the natural disaster or celebrity who has just died, music and films if all that seems boring to you then you probably have boring friends. Look, I think there should be rules to this. Remember if you're on Facebook, you're talking to the world (or at least the very small percentage of it you were talking to at a house party six years ago) and try to make it interesting. The cliché that we don’t need to know what Stephen Fry had for breakfast is true but if he’d rearranged his Alphabetti Spaghetti into the sentence “hold the newsreader’s nose squarely waiter or friendly milk will countermand my trousers” with a sausage and fried egg as an exclamation mark then that might be worth sharing with the world.

There are some things Facebook isn’t great for. “Oh no, they’ve broken up. They were such a lovely couple. Oh that must be horrible for them, nobody likes to see a relationship collapse. Oh spoke to soon, 37 people like it apparently. An odd number? Is that more of her friends or his? Better like it or she might win.” And as for your thoughts on Sherlock series 3 internet, I need to have a word with you about that sometime. But broadly speaking it’s a lot of fun with friends who I barely get to see and links to the most amusing news, views and mews (you guys are obsessed with cats!).

I’m worried that the woman in this video may be one of the boring friends that Facebook just doesn’t work for. This next bit is mostly intended for her:

In one scene in your video you go bowling and are disappointed to see all of your friends on their phones. You knocked down three pins, bitch I'm not standing up for anything less than a spare! At the start you're in bed with your boyfriend and he's checking his phone, apparently having a well-read boyfriend who catches up with the news first thing is a turn off, that's fine, but it’s not exactly like you're doing anything to hold this guy’s interest. A simple good morning kiss might get him off the phone, lying there like you're dead he probably thinks you're asleep. If you're the kind of person who gets annoyed by phone use, don't go do your dramatic sunrise watching next to a fella shouting down his phone. He was there first. At dinner with your friends, they weren't all on their phones before you started your anecdote. Sorry, you're boring.

As part of the first generation that grew up with mobile phones I was always told that phones were ruining children's minds in the same way that previous generations were told the wireless set was ruining the children's minds or dancing was ruining children's minds or dying in factories during the industrial revolution was ruining children's minds and the reason everyone gave: "oh that text messaging is ruining communication skills." We were the generation that had the newest, quickest, best communication machines since (well since the fax machine but that's a bit undramatic) since ever! And we even invented our own brand new language 2 speak on it and we were told it was ruining communication. Wtf? Lol.

I'm sure there are people who said that combine harvesters were ruining people's farming ability, the wheel bred a generation of people who were less good at walking, the first generation with coins were less good at decision making. Prior to the invention of phones children's pet snakes hardly ever found their food before eating their own tails. Phones make the world better.

 

Look there are times and places where you should ignore your phone. Ignore is the wrong word. Don’t be that dick whose phone goes off at a play and tries to pretend it’s not them. You're the only person in the theatre who thinks people won't know it’s you if you ignore it. Everyone else knows already. We can’t hate you anymore for turning it off. Same goes for at a funeral, though then I would appreciate it if you answered the phone and shouted "stop!! Open the coffin!!"

Tweeting along to Question Time opens debate up and encourages political engagement, furthering Question Time's goal of holding politicians to account. If you do it wrong anyway, if you do it right its retweeting everyone's clever ways of pointing out how backwards David Starkey is, appreciating Bio-Dimbleby's tie and making fun of the glasses of the man who asked the serious climate change question. We need to tweet during #xfactor to make it bearable. I've had so many brief and meaningless chats with strangers as a result of mocking a talented youngster for the death of her granddad, if that makes the world a worse place...probably not a good example.

I draw the line at tweeting drama though. If I have to explain the plot of Sherlock to you coz you missed a bit, I'd better not then flick through your twitter and find you were loving Cumberbatch's hair this week and wanted the world to know. And can we please not tweet to BBC3? The finale of Being Human was amazeballs but nothing ruins a teary moment a writer spent ages worrying about like @SexyVampFan93 saying so over the end credits.

The whole filming a concert/comedy show is a bit of a difficult one. People always say that you should enjoy the moment rather than watching it down a screen. My tablet is HD though, so I wanna see the show as clearly as I can.

I find it kills the mood a bit when everyone has their phones out. It can never capture the mood or the atmosphere of the show and for comedians it can ruin the jokes if everyone can find them online first without the context. How am I supposed to steal jokes of acts that aren't famous yet if some twat is posting them on YouTube?

I don’t think you should post it on YouTube by the way. You look like you have Parkinson's disease and your friend singing along will sound 10 times louder than the band and not half as good - unless its Justin Bieber, downside of phones is post that on Twitter and I'll get badly written deaf freats.

I'm not a fan of filming shows myself. I get too caught up in the moment, and at comedy gigs it must put off the acts, but I get people's desire to have a permanent reminder or a great concert. I've enjoyed a lot of unique performances, seen a lot of impro and things that went wrong, it's kinda sad that I won’t be able to see that again. But me losing my shit when Suggs joined The Horne Section was better for not having to pick up bits of my broken phone off the floor when my body had stopped working properly and just started shaking and screaming like a 12-year-old girl who got McBusted tickets for Christmas. A few days later, during The Horne Section's Edinburgh show there was a fire alarm and everyone from all the shows in the Pleasance had to be evacuated and this happened. So someone captured a unique gig that would never happen again, unless there was an arsonist who hated Alex Horne.

Recently I did a very cool thing. I went to the Shard in London. After admiring the view a bit and making some jokes which spoilt the majestic atmosphere (it’s what I do), I got out my phone and tweeted a picture of Tower Bridge. Ok, phones may have destroyed the business of the official photographer, but maybe it’s because of Snapchat and the limited life of photos these days that they can try and charge me £25 quid for a photo of myself in the gift shop, on the grounds it will last forever. Also, in the video woman’s defence, half an hour before and 310 metres lower, me and Leigh were both staring at maps on our phone discussing which way the tallest building in London was as everyone passing saw it tower above our heads. So I will concede that phones are not as good as eyes. But then eyes have been around for years and the bugs have been ironed out. Remember when we were living in the sea and we couldn’t see more than 3 megapixels?

 

Tower Bridge from The Shard. Tower. Ha. It has no idea what a tower is.

I think phones are great and I'm tired of being told otherwise. They're not worth losing your real life over, and they’re not as great as eyes, but they can complement real life nicely. They're good for sharing experiences. I have a camera on me at all times now. And if you can't appreciate the sunrise because someone is tweeting #sunriseisgay near you then that's your problem. If someone filming a concert means they're not living in the moment and letting go and having a crazy time, well judging them isn't exactly the wildest way to go either. Ignore them and dance like you don’t care if you do end up a YouTube sensation and practice on the Wii before you go bowling next.

 

Please note: all opinions in this blog are true (or funnier than the truth) at time of writing. They are all subject to change next time I hear that Samsung message tone that's like someone whistling. Seriously that freaked me out for months before I realised it was a phone, still I like my baggy clothes and thicker curtains now.

 

 

Sent from my Windows Phone

Clowning Around

Since Halloween is coming up, it's time to get scary:

few years ago a mother and a father decided they needed a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town. Alcoholics. So they called their most trusted babysitter. "We won’t be back till 11, better get the trusted babysitter." "Oh but there's so many more comedy capers with the distrusted one." "No!" When the babysitter arrived the two children were already fast asleep in bed. So the babysitter just got to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children. Later in the night, the babysitter got bored and so she wanted ..............the suspense is killing me...................to watch tv oh. but she couldnt watch it downstairs because they didnt have cable downstairs That seems unusual, why would that be? (the parents didnt want their children watching too much garbage Calling this baby sitter thick are you? Congratulations to the unnamed father for this excuse to get the Pay-Per-View adult channels in the bedroom) so she called them and asked them if she could watch cable tv in the parents room "Yes, we wanted to get away for the night, just fuck off and chill will you? Couldn't have asked us while we were there?" they replied. Of course the parents said it was ok, "of course! Just stop bothering us." but the babysitter had one final request. She asked if she could cover up the large clown statue in their bedroom with a blanket or cloth, because it made her nervous. The phone line was silent for a moment, and the father(who was talking to the babysitter at the time) well either he was talking to her or he was silent, you can't have it both ways said.....take the children and get out of the house.....we'll call the police...we dont have a clown statue....Did we need to be told he was talking to the babysitter there? Who else was he going to talk to? "Take the children and get out of the house...we'll call the police...we don't own a clown statue."

"Oh shit! What the fuck? I'm outta here!! This is freaky"
"Wait. No, we were just talking to the waiter, I can see how that coulda been confusing though. Yeah, we have a clown statue, what's weird about that? I'm glad you bought the clown up though, because I would hate for you to cover it up and us not to know about it." the children and the babysitter got murdered by the clown. But that's the opposite of what the dad said to do! Can't trust teenagers with anything today. She was probably too dumb because of all that cable she watches. it turned out 2 be that the clown was a killer that escaped from jail. Pausing only to steal the clown costume, the warden was planning on wearing to the prison fun run around D-Wing; he'd foolishly left around the place. "We thought it was just the warden as he slipped through the door dressed as a clown," said a spokesman, "we had no idea."

 

In my experience, if you're the type of person who enjoys a bit of serial killing - and who hasn't been bored on a Tuesday night before - it's best to get in there, do the stabby stabby, and get out as quick as possible. Playing statues is fun, but ultimately silly.

if you dont repost this within 5 minutes the clown will be standing next 2 your bed at 3:00am with a knife in his hand.= shit myself You mean they have all these concrete details about two unnamed parents, an unnamed baby sitter, largely unmentioned dead children and they can pin it down to happening between 2009-2011 and the police still haven't caught this man?!

And you shit yourself!? How do you think I feel? It's my bed he'll be beside. I mean I stay up quite late at night (not trying to sound cool, but I am) and I have no idea how I'm gonna get passed him to get into bed. I'm sorry if this is a waste of your time, but I'm reposting it so I don't have to sleep on the sofa and be grouchy at work tomorrow.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING: The baby sitter decided not to bother the parents and threw a sheet over the clown statue. When the parents got home they paid the baby sitter and went upstairs, as they had to whenever they wanted to watch TV, "Wait...we don't have a ghost statue," said the dad.....

i P Freely.

Would you go to the toilet on your brand new £160 iPhone?

That’s what Apple wants you to do. Their new edition of the iPhone, the 6P, will be released in October – in time for the iPhone 7’s release in December – and will include a new app that allows you to urinate using your phone or tablet.

Unrinosity experts at Apple say, in a press release, that they hope to bring “the removal of bodily waste fluids kicking and streaming into the twenty-first century.”

The new iPhone – which Apple CEO Paul McIntosh describes as the “fastest most efficient iPhone yet” in a deliberate attack on companies who produce slower and less functional phones each time – will cost £160 and the app is available to download for the iPhone 5.9999(recurring) for £1.99, however McIntosh says “The app is free to use as long as you have Wi-Fi coverage, so you can be certain that you will not, literally, be pissing your money away if you buy our latest iPhone.”

Waste would be transported, in energy form, through the Wi-Fi or 5G connections where it can be recycled to make Strongbow Cider. McIntosh added that “This is the stuff of science fiction made accessible to today’s market,” and cited the often criticised episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Commander Riker is caught short on an alien world and uses his communicator to avoid having to relieve himself in some bushes which would have invoked the death penalty.

Wallace Cummingham, chairman of the all-party parliamentary committee for public conveniences, called a meeting to discuss the idea and issued a statement to journalists outside the Gents at Westminster station. “We have spent a lot of time in the chamber today pondering the issue. We believe the iPhone represents, continues to represent and has always represented a direct attack on Britain’s public lavatories. While multi-millionaires like Paul McIntosh wipe their arse – forgive my French – with the millions of dollars generated by their iPhones and iPads and iPatches, people are turning away from the 30p conveniences at our train stations, meaning the train lines are hit and forced to make cutbacks. Primary London Connections, who operate commuter trains into London from the surrounding towns in Hertfordshire, can no longer afford to buy the air fresheners needed to remove the smell of piss – pardon my French – from their trains. I believe, based on the evidence I’ve seen, that this is a direct result of commuter's refusal to pay 30p when they need to make use of the facilities.”

When his points were put to Mr McIntosh, McIntosh responded that, “Actually we have seen an increase in the amount of time people spend in the toilet since the invention of the iPhone. Business meetings, arrangements to go out for the night, the lining up of candy in the correct order to be crushed can all now be carried out in the comfort of one’s toilet.”

“Oh please!! –Pardon my French,” Mr Cummingham responded. He has argued consistently that the iPhone has been an attack on the public lavatory industry since its invention in 2007. The release of the iPhone 1 with its smooth screen, provided the perfect flat shiny surfect to inhale cocaine from and took away many consumers who would previously have visited public lavatories. “Many of many fellow politicians have seen this evidence and could vouch for it”, he said libellously and in direct quotes to protect the writer of any news articles. "And many of my fellow MPs have stopped visiting public toilets all together since the invention of Grindr! - Pardon my French and raging homophobia," said the Conservative Peer.

Perhaps Mr Cummingham and the iPhone detractors will be comforted by the fact that, due to decency laws, in order to use the iPee app, users will have to go into a toilet before they remove their penis or lady parts.

The iPhone 6P will not yet allow consumers to do a number 2 - due to it being incredibly impractical to find a simple keypad on most smartphones numbers 1 and 3-9 will be quite hard to find too. “Defecation is something we’re all working on,” said Paul McIntosh, “but the problem we have encountered is how do you call your friends and poo at the same time with the same device? We have found many people like to do both simultaneously now. We
really need to find somewhere we can sit for a good long time and have a really good think about these things.”

Other changes to the new iPhone will include the removal of the camera on the front after a prototype for the 6P was given to New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner and an accident with the camera mode and iPee app put his bid in Carlossal
Danger. There will also, despite rumours, not be an iPhone 6P-Mini released just a month later as Mr McIntosh put it: “We feel the iPee app may not work if a man should find himself in a situation where he was trying to use it but caught sight of a man with a bigger iPhone urinating next to him.”

“Look,” he added as a final comment to his critics like Wallace Cummingham, “It’s not a vendetta. We just want to make life better for everyone, especially ourselves. It’s not an attack on the public toilets of Britain,” he laughed, “I’m sure we’ve also put some of those iconic British phone boxes of yours out of commission too!”

Mr Cummingham had no comment to make. Since 2007, telephone boxes had been merged into his department for public conveniences.   

The Pervert in the Petrol Station

Please read, and pass on. Ok, that's what I'll do. And I'll even add some thoughts of my own, that's how seriously I'm taking it.

An important message from the Police - please pass this along to all the women you know.....Capital P? There now follows a message from Sting, listen up.

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 FLEET SERVICES!!! I've literally never seen an official police report that starts with "This actually happened" I think that's taken as read when it's in a police report. It's almost like you're trying too hard to convince me it's true because it probably isn't. I'll read on.

It was early evening, and a young girl stopped to get petrol. That's about the usual amount of detail you'd keep on a crime victim. She filled her tank she thought driving army vehicles would keep her safe, how wrong she was! hahaa! and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her, 'Don't pay for your petrol yet......walk around the store for a while, and act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. Up-selling. A man just got into the back of your car. I've called the police, and they're on their way'. 'Looking at you, I doubt you could have a boyfriend or anything, so I just rang the cops straight away.'

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang, and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go. According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here, originating from London. The scary part of this is, because the guy didn't have a weapon on him, So far this is the only thing that isn't scary. Turns out he was unarmed, arrested and helped the police with their inquiries with no fuss. Shit-scary. the police could only charge him with trespassing....I'm now lawyer, but I'm pretty sure 'attempted rape,' 'intent to kidnap' and 'organised gang crime' are still frowned upon by the courts.

He's back on the street and free to try again. Something similar to this happened at the Tesco garage on Cardiff Road in Newport recently, but luckily the cashier saw the man get into her car. Please be aware of what's going on around you, and warn your family and friends.

LADIES, you or one of your family or friends could be the next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not discard this message; it is very important that everyone knows what is happening. Please be careful when leaving your vehicle, and make sure it is ALWAYS LOCKED to prevent this from happening to you.

FROM THE MET POLICE
In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews, I I, the Met Police, think it is important to read the following info for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please take the time to read these pointers. There may be just one or two you hadn't thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Dial 999? Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. Genuinely quite interesting. Although Tae Kwon Do is a bit cheeky claiming the credit for human evolution.  If you are close enough to use it, do! Do NOT get closer just for the sake of using it. Should add that here, because if you believe some of this stuff, you might just be dumb enough to do that. I mean this is genuinely good advice tbf.

2. Dial 999? if a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you..... He is probably more interested in your handbag than you, Oh well done Sherlock. "Can I have your handbag?" "What is it you really want here?" and he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Still good advice. Although, "go fetch it" might piss him off a bit.

3. Dial 999? if you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Dial 999? Kick out the back tail lights, and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Other road users who see this will call 999 when they've stopped laughing. This is good advice and probably something you hadn't thought of, I guess coz you're not paranoid.

4. Dial 999 Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc In case you were confused as to when women might use a car, some examples., and just sit (doing their cheque book do people still use cheque books? And what are you doing in a cheque book when not writing out a cheque to pay for something? It's not like Sudoku, something to do to kill time. Stupid women or making a list Shopping's done. What next. Guess I'll make a shopping list). DON'T DO THIS! As I've pointed out it's silly. Apply some make up, adjust the chair and find that Olly Murs CD you like, it's probably in the door on the passenger side. A predator could be watching you you guys know that's just a movie right? and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. How do you leave with the doors locked? Oh I see.

5. Dial 999? A few notes about getting into your car in car park: And getting out again without showing the paps your pants
a) Dial 999? Be aware: look around you, look into your car, look at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat. And anything else that means you spend as much time outside your car as possible. Remember a killer is far more likely to be inside your car than in an open space. Warning! This may result in some overzealous petrol station attendant calling the police because it looks like you're checking over a car to steal. Also there's no advice on what to do if you find someone there. Maybe you could dial something?
b) Dial 999? If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attacker’s surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. Remember vans are evil. Don't leave yourself exposed. Crawl slowly and with difficulty across from the passenger side. The criminals almost certainly won’t think to get out and go around the car. REMEMBER: Use caution. If you accidentally sit on the gear stick trying to manoeuvre across you may accidentally be raped by your car. Might e-mail the police; ask if they need someone to proof read their warnings about attacker's. And maybe find out if they have any statistics we could use to back up their fear mongering.
c) Dial 999? Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) Certainly is better to be paranoid than dead. And you should not be afraid to look like an idiot. And remember when going back to the shop, walk backwards and don't take your eyes off the man you've just pretty much walked up to, (better to look like a mad woman than a dead woman).

6. Dial 999? ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone, and the perfect crime spot.* This post accepts no responsibility for women who become trapped in broken down lifts, either alone or with killers.

7. Dial 999? if the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT BE A VITAL ORGAN. "Well he shot me in the leg and caught up with me, but as I was being raped I thought how lucky I was to have my spleen intact." It's probably not bad advice, half the time he won’t even shoot you, but I just don't find anything terribly reassuring about the phrase "it most likely will not be a vital organ."

8. Dial 999? As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Well, that’s my new favourite sentence ever! I laughed so hard Pepsi came out of my nose, along with everything else I've eaten today. Was this written in the 1950s? "You women are always trying to be nice and pleasant to people and making them tea. Well don't. It'll end up getting your raped or killed you silly billy." Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, Yeah, but he had a dark side too. Remember women, good-looking men are as evil as the ugly ones. Good looking men, ugly men, all men really. Every man you see is out to murder you, don't you ever forget that (if I'm ever wrongly accused of murder, that bit it totally getting read out in court) who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women, ALWAYS. Not just for his murders. He got so many free drinks and queue jumps too. The prick. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" As human beings we feel an urge to help those with disabilities. Stop it. It may get you raped or killed. into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. I mean, yeah he did those things, but that doesn't mean the "met police" or "sado who wrote this stuff" have to warn a whole gender that being nice will get them killed.

9. Another safety point: Dial 999?
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last I said "what luck! I'm halfway through writing something staggeringly relevant", and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. "hmmm..." she thought, "That's odd." The police, who refer to themselves in the third person, because they forgot this is meant to be them writing, told her, 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. "hi guys, me again. You know when I said, it was a baby crying by the door, it's actually more like the sound of a baby crying by the window." The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way. Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' It could be a killer baby. He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes, thinking that someone dropped off a baby. "Hmmm, someone’s dropped off a baby, let me check my amazon history I'm sure I didn't order that. That's odd." He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls from women saying that they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. But had decided each time that it wasn't important to investigate or even verify that it was true.

I'd like to break at this point for a little play I like to call, the Baby Killers:

JOHN: "It's no fucking use Baz. I just can't get the hang of lock picking!"
BARRY: "Well, just break the door down John."
JOHN: "Owww. My fucking shoulder. This is stupid Baz. I was really looking forward to raping and murdering her too. I guess I'll just go home to the wife. But the baby will keep me up half the night....John, I've just had an idea, do you still have that tape recorder."

I'm working on a sequel where John invents a tape recorder that can crawl between the door and the window. I think I could take it to the fringe.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. Most likely, they'll think I'm some creep sending them stuff about attempted rape
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. !!!!  Send this to any woman you know who may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it, and it's better safe than sorry. I did just read that in there didn't I? A candle is not dimmed by the lighting of another candle.

"Linda, we have this rape gang case and we want to put out some advice on how young women can protect themselves."
"Finally! A chance to use my poetry A Level."
"Well, this is official police advice so we really just want the basic 'stay safe, because people be crazies' and 'don't be sympathetic to people' stuff."
"Can I at least use my candle metaphor?"
"If you must."
"And can I use the word 'crazies' in an official police document."
"Oh I guess. Just don't forget to mention dialling 999."
"I won’t."

TO ALL CAR OWNERS AND CAR DRIVERS: PLEASE READ

Warning!!!! Be aware of new car-jacking scheme ..You walk across the car park, unlock your car and get inside. Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift or put into reverse. That's not carjacking, that's just driving. You look into the rear-view mirror to back out of your parking space, and you notice apiece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift the gear stick back into park or neutral, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper, or whatever it is that is obstructing your view. It probably was the paper.
When you reach the back of your car that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, Using their magic. Make them disappear again using the spells you learnt in defence against the dark arseholes jump into your car and takeoff!! Your engine was running, you would have left your purse in the car, and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. Because multiple car jackers wouldn't have a problem running you down, but would be too scared to attack you before this point.
BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED IN LONDON , MANCHESTER , AND MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!! "After successful trials in London and Manchester we have decided to expand our criminal activities into other areas," said a spokesman.

Just drive away, and remove the paper later! Don't worry, an obstructed view is far less dangerous than simply removing the leaflet left their by the owner of that new cafe in town and the lawyer will agree when you back into a pensioner, a good lawyer will get you off with just trespassing. It is stuck to your window, I know, you said that. If it wasn't on the window, what would be the problem? and be thankful that you read this email. I am. It's cheered me up, although I imagine it would make some people needlessly afraid to leave the house. Still better to be terrified of everyone and everything than dead. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, friends yes. Family, no, I used the word 'fuck' and my mum doesn't know I know that word especially to women! Not to women, it'll scare the shit out of them. A purse contains all identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys! Who does? Who's got me keys? Fuck!

Well, we've all had some fun with rape here today, but what have we learnt?

I'm not saying, don't take any of this advice, I'm just saying most of the stories contained in this are obviously bullshit and the ones that aren't, are in pretty poor taste. Just trust that the police would probably go to the papers and local authorities with a problem like this rather than suggest you repost them. Despite their bright colours and funny hats, the police aren't that attention seeking.

CREDITS (where they're due): Thanks to Zeta, Lee and Ben who joked about this with me last night and contributed all the funniest bits of this blog. Also to the people who reposted this so I saw it in the first place - I don't want to discourage you from posting more of them, because they really are terribly funny. Thanks guys.