Most Haunted
Ghost Adventures
Ghost Diaries
When Ghosts Attack
Most Haunted USA
Ghost Adventures UK
Most Haunted UK
Most Haunted International
Ghost Adventures International
Help! My Parents are Ghosts
My house is Haunted
Haunted Homes Under The Hammer
My Creepy Abandoned Red Neck Farm is Haunted
All of these essentially boil down to two formats. Either some night vision footage where presenters scream and shout of the excitement and horror of seeing 'orbs.'
The other format is slightly mad women who live in the outback and heard a strange noise at night recounting their gripping story. They simultaneously tell us that it was the most psychologically scarring experience of their lives, while program makers force them to participate in accurate recreations.
And of course it's all very American. A genuine quote "I dint never believe in no ghosts before this, just the lord God almighty!" She may as well have added "Uncle Sam Guns."
All this got me worrying about these poor people and the crap they have to put up with every day, so I thought about what I could do to help. I decided I could redress a balance in the world by posting
The Top 10 Places To Visit AFTER You Die
1. The Most Haunted Pub In Britain
Many pubs now have ladies nights, or singles nights or gay nights to make it easier to meet like minded people in this busy modern world. So why don't we organise a night at Britain's Most Haunted pub to meet other ghosts, swap stories, catch up on the latest ghost gossip and randomly move a few pint glasses around. Plus it seems you guys love a bit of nightlife as you never come out during the day.
The only problem with this is there is some debate about what actually is the most haunted pub in Britain, but I've done some googling and narrowed it down to about 30% of pubs in Britain which claim to be the most haunted.
In fact, the pub I work in has claimed to be haunted, because it's next to the railway tracks and after a rail crash, the bodies were stored in the cellar before being transported to the hospital. I question this story, as health & safety wont let us keep any food with the beer as it makes it go bad so I question the landlord who went "yeah, sure mate, just dump them with all the booze."
2. The Morgue
People are always doing drugs to achieve that out of body experience, well now you can experience that without the need to stick anything in your arm, which is good because your arm is now just a cloud of ether. Play amateur sleuth as you uncover evidence that condemns the sister you wrote out of your will, or remove the bits of orange from your teeth and massage the rope marks out of your neck if you died in embarrassing circumstances.
There's something for every dead person at the morgue, if you're a ghost there's closure or there's the simple pleasures like brains and blood if you're a vampire or zombie, and nobody except the hospital administrators will mind you taking it.
3. This Place
Because who'd notice.
Yeah, there's an election on and I felt this post lacked satire.
It still does.
4. Literally Anywhere Other Than The Place You Died.
We are all familiar with that big problem for estate agents: that your eyes look to the left when you're lying.
But there's also the problem of not being able to find a buyer because you can still see the chalk outline on the kitchen floor or it's built on an Indian burial plot. I've never been horrifically murdered in my home - although the responses I get when I post a light hearted joke on social media accounts, suggest its a growing possibility - but if I had, I think I'd move. The spirits are always disturbed and usually move things about and smash things up. Move out! Get away! Of course you're going go be miserable if you hang around the same place. Start a new life (insensitive term, I'm sorry), you'll find you're happier in a new location, one where you weren't horribly murdered. Plus you're driving down house prices which the Daily Telegraph tells me is the worst thing ever in the world!
Another thing you hear is "I could smell those cigarettes he used to smoke!" Stop that too! It's already killed you once! Some people never learn. Packets of fags should come with the warning 'Caution: This smell will freak out your kids when you're gone.'
And while I'm at it, stop visiting your graves! The 00s are over guys! Goth's aren't cool anymore.
5. Counselling
Again, how often do you dead guys go around yellin' "LEAVE THIS PLACE!" and begin smashing things up when some new person dares to move into your house. You need to talk through that anger with someone. Learn to let go of that anger, like you let go of your life or your friend's hand. Being a ghost can be the coolest experience, it has to be because of the effect you have on a room, but think of the fun you can have: walking into places through walls (you wouldn't have to pay silly prices for the cinema again), you can fly, you can probably teleport, and you carry your head under your arm which can lead to all sorts of japes. On top of that, it's only a matter of time before they start bringing out novels where a dull girl has to decide whether she loves a ghost or a zombie, you'll be trendy (albeit a younger, cooler version of you with none of the consequences usually associated with being dead). So just get some help with your anger and look on the bright side of death.
And Vampires, they can help you too! Hypnosis! It can help you give up that blood addiction. I don't know why you keep drinking blood. Do you think it will help your stupid pale complexion? It wont. Give it up. You'll learn to love salads and water. And people will like you more as a result.
Zombies, ok, psychology probably wont help you as you're already basically completely brainless, unthinking morons now, have you considered homeopathy and alternative medicine? You're pretty much their target market. And it might help you get better if you have a tiny bit of amygdala in a pint of water.
6. Get Into The Opera, and go see The Meistersinger Von Nürnberg the four and a half hour opera
Because life's too short for that shit. But now...
Plus phantoms love the opera.
7. Paris. But definitely not Garfunkel's Restaurant
This is one for the vampires. You know the British way to eat steak, "I want it very very well done please, is there a button for burnt? No blood. No Flavour." In France they know how to cook a proper rare steak. If you ask for it rare, you might have to chase the bloody cow around a field first.
I'm sure France aren't the only country who know how to make a decent steak, but they are the closest, and I would advise taking a night trip on the Eurostar, so you can be back the following day to sleep in soil from your own country, as customs can be very fussy about bringing soil into other countries. As if our filthy British soil is going to make a mess of their nice clean dirt.
A trip to France has to be better than murdering virgins right? As fun as I'm sure that is.
But Dan, I hear the two of you still reading cry, why have you singled out Garfunkles? It would be weird not to say. Specifically because they refused to cook a steak for me under medium because of 'health and safety.' Now I don't believe this is 'elf and safety gone mad! (It sounds like 'elf, hahahahaha, Richard Littlejohn readers will get why that's hilarious. Please explain it to me). I believe it's either a case of the chef not knowing how to do it, or the meat being a bit off. In which case it's probably fine for zombies. Yeah, zombies go to Garfunkles. I wouldn't want to be responsible for anywhere being left unhaunted.
8. The Scene of a Recent
Disaster
Team up! Who said all
superheroes had to be living? You guys are like a deceased Avengers! Ghosts:
Get in there, teach the new ghosts how to teleport and stuff and show those
remaining alive that its not the end. You need that blood clearing up? Never fear
this Vamps brought his straw! You lost an Arm? Here, just tear one out of this
zombie, its a bit rotten but better than crushed under a pile of rubble. Oh did
you cut your finger? Here, unravel a bit of this mummy.
9. The Letters Page of the
Daily Telegraph
You guys were alive in the
old days, the very old days! So you are ideally placed to tell the world how
much better it all was. This is an idea to fill the time of both ghosts and vampires, but I feel it's especially important for Vampires, because you hear about ghost writers all the time. Lets redress the balance.
Oh but, by the way, stop writing those shitty e-mails threatening to turn up in my room if I don't pass them on to 10 people. Jesus, you already gave it a clickbait title, like that's not going to get enough attention. My point is, it's a negative whiny tone about how someone ignored your Facebook message and you died, it doesn't help the image of Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies and Mummies as a bit evil. There's a reason the friendly ghost was worthy of a film. It's seen as rare by the living!
10. G-A-Y
Because isn't that where you always go when you can't get into Heaven.
Boom! LOL!
