My Problem With ITV

Hello Reader.

That's enough with the pleasantries.

Today I'd like to make the strongest case I can think of in favour of the BBC license fee: ITV.

The ITV logo is now accompanied by a caption reading "Terrestrial Channel of the Year." I am here to explain why that is wrong.

Last night, I watched the pretty damn brilliant Doctor Who on the Beeb. Afterwards I thought I'd check out this new ITV thing, Red or Black, and was surprised to find a concept that was somehow less complex than the title indicates. It was however, irritatingly, hyped up and treated as if it had the complexity of LOST mixed with Moffat-era Doctor Who. Normally, I would never blog about a show based on only seeing the closing half-an-hour of an hour-and-a-quarter program, but seriously if you expect me to watch an hour-and-a-quarter of that dire turd-fest, then you probably also didn't expect me to mention Doctor Who four times in the opening paragraph of a blog that isn't even about Doctor Who because you clearly don't know me at all.

When I turned over at the end of Doctor Who (OK, last time I promise. No more mentions), a young feller was telling us a sob story about how his young daughter/son lost his wife/fiancé/girlfriend's wedding/engagement/onion ring. I know, I sound insensitive, lazy and horrible because I didn't commit this story to memory and perhaps I would have had it not cut instantly to another person's unrelated back story. I have to admit it, by the fifth person's story, I was enjoying it. In fact I laughed out loud really long and hard. Somebody had made an excellent parody of a Simon Cowell TV program and it was just sob stories back-to-back. This is all rather amusing. By the seventh contestant's story I was shouting obscenities at the TV, was this it!?! Had the first 45 minutes of this program simply been a collection of two-minute stories of people going "I'd love to win £1million, I think it would really help me out in some way."?

After an incredible eight of these stories we return to the studio and even Ant appeared to be struggling to hide a smile at how ludicrous it all was while And-Dec introduced the game that the team would be playing. It concerned a selection of sealed brief cases that had either red or black lining. The contestants job was to guess what was in one of these suitcases. Meanwhile the pranksters who had suggested Deal or No Deal choked on their caviar and champagne. "I can't believe someone has done it again!" said one of them. "Don't you remember Golden Balls," said his pal. "No-one remembers Golden Balls," said the first prankster and they high-fived before switching to BBC Three for Doctor Who Confidential (It's a different show. I never said I wouldn't mention that one. I'm not obsessed).

To compare this to Deal Or No Deal though is frankly an insult to Deal Or No Deal's relative complexity. It emerged that what was to happen in this game was that a group of dancers would pass the fifty or so identical cases between themselves, thus randomising them, while Leona Lewis sung and looked a bit like a horse. At the end of which the eight contestants were asked to choose "Black or Red." In the event the first five contestants chose: Red, Black, Red, Red, Red" and so the final three were forced to have black to balance it out. Each of them were then forced into saying something like "Well I was going to choose black anyway so I'm happy." or "I would have gone with red, oh no!" While I screamed "IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER IT'S 50:50!!" at the television loud enough to wake the dead, apart from those in Helensburgh Cemetery who had already been woken by a strange spinning sound coming from John Logie Baird's grave. Leona then picked the suitcase and, after the kind of tedious pause normally only heard before the sentence "you've got four yeses," the colour was revealed.

Next up, a man who catches arrows fired from a bow would catch Red and Black arrows and the winner would be the person who backed the colour he caught the most of. Once again, half the contestants had the colour picked for them to balance it out, thus rendering the whole thing utterly pointless. In the end it was a draw and so the catcher simply picked an arrow out of a box that had a red tip and red's won. And I sure as hell wasn't the only one saying "Why didn't he do that in the first place?" Then there were congratulations to winner, commiserations to losers and cliches and overhype all round. And-Dec then told us that we should tune in after The X-Factor for the final while Ant told us that "history would be made, with the £1million winner." An overstatement on a par with "Tesco have sold out of a Salt and Vinegar crisps? IT'S THE END OR THE WORLD!" or "The Biggest Brother Yet. Five. 9pm" or "We have listened to what the public have said and a coalition between ourselves and the Conservative party seems to be the best way forward."

Earlier I said that to compare this to Deal or No Deal is an insult to Deal or No Deal. At least with Deal or No Deal there is some element of skill to it. Ok, so it's no Mastermind but the contestant knows what values remain, and make a vaguely informed decision on whether to accept the offer accordingly (with assistance from Noel and the East/West wings - though anyone who takes advice from people who think chanting 'blue' with their eyes closed will make it 1p is a moron). There is a modicum of skill in Deal Or No Deal and I can see why people get drawn into it. But when it's pure chance and half the contestants don't even make a choice, what’s the point? Where's the tension? We can't even play along at home! At least with Deal or No Deal we can shout "oh! Take that offer, you wont get better without the £250,000."

Simon Cowell is playing a very clever game: by sandwiching The X-Factor between two instalments of Red or Black he actually makes X-Factor look like a decent show. I think maybe he knows that Red or Black is shite and so tries to throw in every cliche he can find. The sob stories, the long-dramatic pauses, the hype, the thing where one word comes up on the screen at a time while being shouted. It's like someone has bought together everything hateful and stupid about X-Factor and BGT and got rid of the bits that matter. I wish I could just flash my light five times and lock them all in a wardrobe where I never have to see them again (What?!).

Not content with making all music generic and bollocks, Cowell is now trying the same trick with TV, and ITV and viewers seem to fall for this. I said a while ago that I use "You can't argue with that kind of success," as a way of getting out of arguing with people who like mainstream drivel (incidentally, I'm not saying everything mainstream is drivel, just a lot of it), but surely people can see that this crap they fill every program with is bad for TV and choice.

Surprisingly I'm quite in favour of The X-Factor and BGT despite the somewhat awkward day when I walked into the LGBT and tried to impress them with some dance moves. Should really have read that more clearly, though with both Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan there it's easy to see how I'd be confused. I have, as my Facebook friends and Tweeps will know, been watching The X-Factor for a couple of years now. I mocked away, but last year found myself getting quite drawn into it for the first time. I had favourites (Matt, One Direction, Cher (yes, I can be wrong too)) and people I hated and I actually genuinely like seeing a proper talent competition. I'm also not, not at all, above laughing at overconfident hopeless auditionees as much as I'd like to be. But I hate all the interviews, hype and silly over-the-topness that surrounds all that. This series I have been tweeting a lot less, because 1) I've said it all the last few years and frankly it doesn't change or evolve ever. 2) I'm actually just getting sick of it treating viewers like idiots and telling me what I should be thinking/feeling about things.

A couple of weeks ago on The Daily Show, a clip was shown and references were made to Spitting Image. An American TV show were referencing an ITV show from the 1980s. A show that politicians watched and worried about, because it was proper grown up satire, that is still respected by satirists like Jon Stewart around the world in 2011. I'm sure back in the day Spitting Image was probably followed by some silly program like You've Been Framed or Beadles About but at least ITV was producing clever and engaging content back then. Get a bit of balance between your cheesy Saturday night talent shows and gameshows and some quality entertainment.
Two points there: 1) I like a bit of Midsomer Murders, Morse, Marple or Poirot as much as the next man, but crime drama alone does not make a terrestrial channel good.
2) Cheesy TV should be on Saturday nights, - that's it's place, it works there and to some extent it's no bad thing - It should not be on all week like Red or Black is.

Tonight, ITV are showing a controversial drama about Fred West. I don't know if it'll be sensitive, challenging and brilliant or be ITV's usual crime drama schtick, and I probably wont even watch it (it's not my thing.) but I offer them my full support for tackling a challenging issue that might upset people rather than playing it safe with generic stuff. Good luck ITV. And as you are also showing Serenity tonight which is one of my favourite films, I'm slightly sorry I shouted at you.

Oh, by the way, Million Pound Drop don't think you've got away with it by being on Channel 4. You too need to cut down on the hype, long pauses and rubbish-lets-have-a-chat-with-their-family stuff, coz you've got a good gameshow there, but you're so annoying.

Next Time: My Problem with the BBC. (Don't worry Doctor Who you're safe.)