This morning, I received a lovely letter from Haart estate agents, just one of a number of estate agents who, apparently, have a load of people just waiting to buy my flat. (Or indeed any flat in my area, they're not picky).
We get letters like this fairly often, from a whole load of estate agents in the area.
So after receiving such a lovely letter, and after forgiving them for the direct approach, I felt it was a only nice to write back.
Hi there
Thank you for your recent letter about the successful sale
of a flat on our street. Congratulations on the sale and the “good price” you
got for it. It’s lovely to hear from you about your good day at work. I had a
decent day too. Finally caught up on Wandavision, wrote a pub quiz for zoom and briefly opened a word document in which I wrote the title The Red Moss, which will be the title of my hit literary novel just as soon as I have an idea what it means.
Anyway, if you’ll forgive the direct approach. You have a
nice office right? I’ve seen it. It’s lovely. There’s a load of people who out
there who would love to work in your office. Accountants and legal firms and
that. And your office is great. Were it not for you selfishly working there!
Would you mind not working there so I can give it to someone
else to work there? That would be really useful for me. Come on, move out, pack
up and let someone else have a go. Quit hogging your home guys! There’s people
out there who want it.
Yours faithfully
Dan Vine
Sarcastic Guy
PS. I noticed in your letter that you had buyers looking to
buy my flat. Please let me know who, I might sell it to them if they turn out
to be really nice. But my policy on my home is – and this might seem a little
racist – I will not sell to hypothetical people. I’ve had enough of
hypothetical people! You notice they never tell you their names. Imagine how
annoyed my neighbours would be if someone hypothetical moved into our flat. “Are
they alive or dead?” “Well as long as they stay in the box room, unobserved,
they’re actually both until someone opens the door to the box room.”
Bloody hypothetical people, coming over here, behaving
however is necessary to make the point I want to make to win the argument.
If you have a non-hypothetical buyer in mind, send me over
some details and how much they’re willing to pay for the flat – I hope it’s
more than the one down the street, you had to market that and everything but it
seems like someone is actively searching for mine – and we’ll do business.
Otherwise, and please forgive me for the direct approach, they'll just have to wait until we move out and put the flat on the market. Tell them (and I appreciate it's not you saying this but these rude people out there eyeing up my flat) my home is my home and not just some commodity I will be made feel guilty for living in by some person who may or may not even exist.
No hypothetical people, or metaphorical pets.
