Pointless Immigrants

Theresa May and David Davis have announced that Britain will not be adopting the Australian style points based immigration system. Whether it's because after months of debate they realised that system was originally created to encourage immigration not curtail it, or whether it's because it's foreign - and therefore terrible - is unclear. May and Davis did have an alternative system that was sure to prove popular with the British public. The new system is the complete opposite of the Australian system. May and Davis have unveiled the Pointless based Immigration System. I used the I Heard It Through The Dan Vine's annual investigative journalism budget to see a film at cineworld, but I did manage to get a transcript from border control where the system is being trialled. Transcript below.

ALEXANDER:         Hello and welcome to Pointless Immigrants, the gameshow where we’re always striving to find the most desirable people to enter the UK. Before the show we asked a sample of the British public to name the types of people they hated and the reasons the country was going to the dogs. Of course the aim of the game is to find those all important Pointless answers, those skills and people that nobody can find any objection to. Now yesterdays contestants won the jackpot so we start off today with a prize of six years before you can use the NHS and a council house in Stevenage. Right lets play Pointless.
Round 1 is jobs. We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many kinds of undesirable professions as they could and remember you’re looking for the answer none of our 100 people object to. Contestant 1 what’s your profession?

CONTESTANT 1:    I’m a doctor

ALEXANDER:         You say doctor. Let’s see if you’re right and how many people said doctor.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING

ALEXANDER:         Not bad. 3 points for doctors. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes, doctors are one of the more desirable professions to have in the country aren’t they? But there’s still some people uncomfortable taking their trousers down in front of a foreign doctor.

CONTESTANT 1:    I should say I’m a junior doctor

SOUND:                  WRONG ANSWER.

RICHARD:              Oh, that’s best left unsaid right now.

ALEXANDER:         Contestant Number 2?

CONTESTANT 2:    I’m a footballer coming to play for an English club for millions of pounds, which will probably end up back in my home country.

ALEXANDER:         Foreign footballers, let’s see if it’s right and how many people said footballers.

SOUND:                  POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING. POINTLESS ANSWER. APPLAUSE

ALEXANDER:         Congratulations thats a Pointless answer which means you’re one step closer to being granted entry into the UK. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes foreign footballers a Pointless answer. Often the most high profile immigrants of all but nobody really thinks about them that way. Strange that.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 3. What do you do for a living?

CONTESTANT 3:   Well following a similar trail of thought to the last guy, I'm a tennis player?

ALEXANDER:         Tennis player?

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING

ALEXANDER:          15 points, Richard?

RICHARD:               Yes, that's actually the lowest you can get if you're a tennis player.

ALEXANDER:        Very good indeed. Contestant 4, what do you do for a living?

CONTESTANT 4:   I work in the kitchens at Byron Burger

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING. POINTLESS ANSWER. WILD APPLAUSE

ALEXANDER:          Pointless answer. Richard?

RICHARD:               Not necessarily someone you'd expect to be top of the list, but since they were shown on the news that time, people really got behind them. Someone gave a quote to a newspaper saying "yes, we want immigrants kicked out and sent back to war-torn hellholes but we don't want to see it or think about it or be reminded that they're real people."

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Round 2 is people. We gave 100 people, 100 seconds to name the kind of people they don’t want coming over here. What kind of people are you? Contestant 1, what kind of person are you?

CONTESTANT 1:    Er...Human being.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         97 for human being

RICHARD:              Yes, that’s just not good enough for some people. Human beings cost money to look after you know. More than dogs.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 2, what kind of person are you?

CONTESTANT 2:    A child.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         75 for child.

RICHARD:              A bit more sympathy than for an adult but people prefer not to be reminded of you.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 3?

CONTESTANT 3:    A child who has been seen on the news?

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         5 for child on the news. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes, the public love you, but will very quickly forget you.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 4?

CONTESTANT 4:    A child who was on the news being held by a celebrity who visited the camp?

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING. POINTLESS ANSWER. APPLAUSE.

ALEXANDER:         Pointless answer! Which brings you one step closer to that council house in Stevenage. Richard?

RICHARD:              We love a celebrity don’t we?

ALEXANDER:         Don’t we just. Round 3 is language. We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many undesirable languages to hear in this country. Contestant 1?

CONTESTANT 1:    I speak English.

ALEXANDER:         Speaking English, let’s see if it’s right and if it is how many people said English.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         5 points for English. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes. A very good answer there. Most people say they’re happy for immigrants to come over here as long as they speak English don’t they, but it seems like a percentage of people are just using it as an excuse.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 2?

RICHARD:              I use emoji’s.

ALEXANDER:         Emoji’s. Let’s see if its right and how many people said Emojis.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         87 for Emoji users. Richard?

RICHARD:              :(

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 3?

RICHARD:              I speak Eton Slang?

ALEXANDER:         Eton Slang. Let’s see if it’s right and how many people said Eton Slang.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         98 for Eton slang. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes, 98 out of 100 people said Eton slang was absolutely undesirable in Theresa May and David Davis’s poll. Incidentally Theresa May and David Davis took the poll to test it, so...I’m not saying we know who the two people are but...

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 4?

CONTESTANT 4:    Well since English has gone. I’m gonna say Welsh.

SOUND:                 WRONG ANSWER

ALEXANDER:         Oh no! Wrong answer. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes. Welsh not a real language I’m afraid. What you may have seen is a plate of alphabetti spaghetti that’s all Welsh is.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Round 4 is words. We gave 100 people, 100 seconds to name as many words and phrases they hate hearing, remember your job is to find the Pointless answers that none of them objected to. Contestant 1?

CONTESTANT 1:    This is one the young people use, Bae.

ALEXANDER:         You’re saying Bae. Let’s see if you’re right and how many people said Bae.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         98 for Bae. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes, not a popular word amongst some people. Again I think the two people were probably Theresa and David.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 2?

CONTESTANT 2:    I’ll go with the phrase, ‘I can see both sides of the argument’

ALEXANDER:         I can see both sides of the argument, is it right, and how many people said it?

SOUND:                 WRONG ANSWER

ALEXANDER:         Oh no! Richard?

RICHARD:              ‘I can see both sides of the argument,’ not something that comes up in immigration discussions ever I’m afraid.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 3?

CONTESTANT 3:    I know the difference between specifically/pacifically and expresso/espresso

ALEXANDER:         Sounds good to me, if it’s right I suspect this will be very desirable. Let’s see if it’s right and how many people said it.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         Ouch. 1 point. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes, it is very annoying when people get those wrong, but also for some really annoying being corrected on it.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 4, what word of phrase do you think the British people like to hear?

CONTESTANT 4:    Bake Off will be exactly the same on Channel 4.

ALEXANDER:         Bake Off will be exactly the same on Channel 4. Let’s see if it’s right and how many people said Bake Off will be exactly the same on Channel 4.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN ASCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         Well, that’s the first time the column has ever gone up. 200 points. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes. It just won't.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. The final round is reasons for coming. In this round all you need to do is score a Pointless answer and you win UK citizenship and a council house in Stevenage. We gave 100 people, 100 seconds to name as many objectionable reasons for coming to the UK as they could. You just need one Pointless answer in this round, that being a reason to come to the UK that no-one objected too. Contestant 1?

CONTESTANT 1:    To work

ALEXANDER:         To work. Let’s see if it’s right and how many people said to work.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         82 for ‘to work.’ Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes. People don’t like the idea of you stealing their jobs. Even though the 100 people we phoned up were all home during the daytime. Odd.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 2?

CONTESTANT 2:    Fleeing a warzone.

ALEXANDER:         Fleeing a warzone, let’s see if it’s right and how many people said Fleeing a warzone.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         54 for fleeing a warzone. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes. People say it’s sad and that but we didn’t start it, except in the places where we did start it.

ALEXANDER:         Very good indeed. Contestant 3?
CONTESTANT 3:    I’m dying from a debilitating and awful disease and I believe the NHS can cure me.

ALEXANDER:         NHS treatment. Let’s see if it’s right and how many people said it.

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         93 very high score for NHS treatment. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes people really don’t like the idea of healing the sick and ending suffering if it costs them money.

ALEXANDER:         Contestant 4?

CONTESTANT 4:    I’m dying from a debilitating and awful disease and I believe Noel Edmonds and his magic box of positive energy can cure me.
ALEXANDER:         Noel Edmonds' magical box of positive energy. Let’s see if you’re right and how many people said Noel Edmonds

SOUND:                 POINTLESS COLUMN DESCENDING.

ALEXANDER:         65 for Noel Edmonds healing power. Richard?

RICHARD:              Yes more popular than NHS treatment, I think because tax payers don’t have to cover it, but still the public think we have too many Noel Edmonds fans already

ALEXANDER:         Well, I’m sorry to say that you don’t win the UK citizenship but you do get to go back to your war torn homeland with a highly coveted Pointless trophy. Goodbye